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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

311 replies

houseworkhater · 04/04/2013 15:40

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/04/2013 16:36

Perhaps OW is not free for 3 months ?

BalloonSlayer · 06/04/2013 16:37

Can you have his bags packed by the time he arrives?

Or at least have the suitcases down from the loft...

Angelico · 06/04/2013 16:44

So sorry OP. I am so angry on your behalf. He does not get three months to fuck you about. Tell him he has till next weekend. Get to a solicitor on Monday. He's a bastard.

pinkypig · 06/04/2013 16:57

I really feel for you House.

He really has to leave now to give you some space and time to sort out how YOU feel about your life, your kids, and reflect on what has happenend over the last couple of years.

I think if you step back and look you will see that he is not the man you thought he was/he used to be. He has said he wants to leave. Make him go now.

So sorry for what you're going through but you will be ok and you and your kids deserve MUCH better.

pinkypig · 06/04/2013 16:58

Agree find yourself a family law solicitor as soon as you can next week to discuss in theory at least where you stand.

Troubledjo · 06/04/2013 17:00

At the moment this is all very new and you must be feeling very emotional. I really would try to focus on one step at a time - you don't need to decide all your childcare arrangements right now. I would try to get some space so you can think about it all a bit more calmly. The best way to do that for now is to get him out of the house - at least for a while. I would try to be very calm (easier said than done I know) and just tell him you need some space and you think it is best if he moves out for the time being.
You don't need to issue any ultimatum or make this a permanent thing - it's a perfectly reasonable request. Once he is gone then you can decide how YOU want to move forward. As for the children, it's really hard but try not to get them too involved. Maybe just tell them something fairly neutral like 'mum and dad haven't been getting on very well and you both need some space while you try to work things out'. I don't think you need to do that together if he isn't around. Or if you want to make it more about him then you can say 'dad isn't happy' but then you run the danger of sounding like a victim.
And, unfortunately, the reality is that you can't make him do his fair share of parenting if he doesn't want to. Sadly my daughter's dad has done very little but I have always made it a priority to make sure that they could have a good relationship regardless of how much or how little he did in practical terms. I have never made excuses for him but at the end of the day he is her dad - you don't want your kids to feel torn between the two of you. Children are very perceptive and they will see how it is and who does what for them without you having to say anything.
It takes time to work all this out though and you have lots of stages to go through - as I said at the beginning, don't try to race ahead too much, just take one step at the time and make decisions when things are a bit calmer. Good luck.

Gigondas · 06/04/2013 17:01

Hang in there houseworker- keep that anger and kick him out.

He can find somewhere else to live.

And you are completely right to respond that if you are seperated, that is it . Not there to do his errands.

I predict ow wont last cos he sounds like a fucking tool.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 06/04/2013 17:06

Three months? I'd want to tell him he has three hours!

No. No. No. And no again. He cannot just announce he's had enough of family life and doesn't like being married, and then hang around like the proverbial bad spell for three fucking months!

What is giving him the impression he is in charge of how this goes? I believe the op is about to enlighten him about that one!

ivykaty44 · 06/04/2013 17:20

Is this normal?

it is very very normal for a man to want to seperate and then expect everything to stay the same - this is it seems how a lot of men work. They think they can leave and the mother will just carry on the same picking u after them and texting them to nag them.

it comes as a bit of a shock to many on both sides that this is what is thought to be the carry on.

My advise would be to spell it out loud and clear and sick to your guns - if he texts to say you must do pick up - you text back and say

Can't do that as I am over the limit to drive as not my weekend - you will need to sort out your own arrangements for your dc

Don't back down and get it straight from the start

Disengage - what he does or doesn't do is no concern of yours - don't get drawn into an argument and remember the good ole mms saying

no is a complete sentence

if he wants to go out drinking with his buddes and playing band thats fine

but on your weekend off you do what you want to do -and don't answer calls from him - let him text which gives you time to work out how to text n and o

if you give an inch he will take a mile and carry on playing in the band and having a carefree life when he really has three children that are also his responsibility

SundaeGirl · 06/04/2013 17:33

Pack his bags and drop them off at the pub for him.

Finola1step · 06/04/2013 17:36

Wow House. So let me get this straight. He wants out of the marriage. He isn't sure if family life is for him. He wants to play "band practise" as and when it suits him. He decides if the house is clean and tidy. He decides if there is or isn't enough sex in the marriage. He decides your schedule by making himself unavailable for the children. He decides when he wants to parent.

And now he gets to decide that he will stay for another 3 months!

Why? Because that's what suits him and his plans, whatever they may be.

Time to get angry OP. Time for black bags on doorstep. Because OP you may have forgotten this but you get to decide who lives with you. You can decide that enough is enough. Good luck.

Ahhhcrap · 06/04/2013 17:40

3 months!!!! He us taking the piss big time... So your expected to put your life on hold and live in a horrid atmosphere.. Sod that.. Pack his bags and tell him to pick up this afternoon .

ATouchOfStuffing · 06/04/2013 17:43

Why would you bother supporting him in the band when that seems to have been a major factor in him wanting to leave his family? Let him play with the kids and then in a few years when they all get married and have kids he will have to face the consequences of what he has lost.
You deserve better than this and, being a single parent myself, I actually believe you would be happier on your own - you do everything anyway so just one less person to worry about and clean up after!

LibertineLover · 06/04/2013 17:47

Cheeky twat. Tell him, no sorry, 3 months of this will be death by a thousand cuts, piss off now please. you will feel so much better when you take some control back. Take care x

ATouchOfStuffing · 06/04/2013 17:48

sorry seem to have missed a page.
He said before his band mate could have him - tell him he has to leave today as you aren't living with someone who has checked out and you are not a maid in a hotel.
You must be strong here - he is being an arse so don't beg or bend to his whims. He needs to grow up and the only way he might appreciate you i by living on his own and seeing that the grass isn't greener.

IAmNotAMindReader · 06/04/2013 18:12

Right he has told you its over, nothing you do is good enough. His band comes before his children and he has somewhere else to go and is still treating the home as his own.
He wants you to crawl over broken glass and jump through his impossible hoops while he lives the life of a carefree teenager.
Mid life crisis, affair or him ramping up emotional abuse (which is what this now is) by setting you up to fail and constantly moving the goal posts and telling you how unreasonable everyone else thinks you are it doesn't matter he is going to damage your mental health the longer he stays and he doesn't care so he needs to leave now.

ClaireDeTamble · 06/04/2013 18:17

Pack his bags for him and boot him out. Seriously. Do it tonight and put the deadlock on the door when you have collected the girls.

3 months indeed. Pffffft.

50shadesofknackered · 06/04/2013 18:47

What a tosser! 3 months Shock Please take control of this situation and stand up for yourself, he is treating you like a fool. Why should you leave your home and more importantly your children? Why should his actions and treatment of you possibly affect your relationship with them? Pack his bag and lock the door! You deserve better! I know you would like your marriage to work (why is beyond me when he has treated you so badly) but this will never happen until he is forced to face up to the realities of being single. I do really think op, that even if he suddenly changes his mind, declares undying love for you and begs forgiveness, that you are just setting yourself up for future heartache if u take him back. He will do this again and again, and again and again..... I also think there is probably another woman, so please be strong and kick his sorry arse out.

Corygal · 06/04/2013 18:49

Honestly...

"YOU'VE GOT THREE HOURS NOT THREE MONTHS".

Start packing the stuff.

Messandmayhem · 06/04/2013 19:03

Who the fuck does he think he is? 3 months? Is he high?

Tell him he has 3 hours before you pile his stuff in the garden and torch it to pack whatever he wants and fuck off to his bandmates sofa.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 06/04/2013 19:13

No no no. Pack his stuff. Leave it outside. Tell him his bandmates can help him move his stuff. Tonight. Maybe his OW could help too?

Sorry this is happening to you.

QuintessentialShallots · 06/04/2013 19:32

3 MONTHS?
What planet is he on?

cjel · 06/04/2013 19:47

Sorry he is behaving like this, it must be a nightmare for you, you had wanted to save this relationship, Now is the time to start saying how you want things. He must leave now and understand that you will not be dictated to by him any more. You will be lovely company for your friends at the gym, you will be able to choose to go out or stay in. This next little while will seem like hell - it will improve when you have your own head space to consider what you want without him telling you what you must do anymore.

MadBraLady · 06/04/2013 19:48

Is he having a bloody laugh??

Three months is very precise isn't it. Almost like the kind of timescale somebody (an OW, say) would have on moving out of whatever their current domestic arrangement is. Hmm

He needs a wake-up call up the arse preferably.

carabossse · 06/04/2013 19:48

For your own sanity and for your children's sake you must close this off this weekend. Tonight or tomorrow is plenty of time. The idea of three months is ridiculous. He believes that he can live in your home with you doing all the work while he lives like a teenager.

No more asking. Tell him that as of hh:mm o'clock you no longer live together and that if he hasn't collected his things by then you'll leave them in bags outside. Or if youre up to it say that you're leaving at that time and he'll need to be home for the kids.