:-(

[Nevertruetomyself]

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

No 4 weeks is the longest.. in fact it was almost 5. He had contacted me during that time and I contacted him just before Xmas (last Xmas) thats the only time we have ever gone longer than a week or so though.

I dont have a strategy, I was just going to take one day at a time.

I just think if you were as hard faced as some of the posters on here think you are, you wouldn't be wanting to end it. Especially since you've said all you want out of it is the sex.

If you were totally heartless you'd be happy to carry on forever while getting what you want with not a care in the world about his wife and family.

But as it is, you want to be strong enough to stay away. So carrying on telling you how horrible you are is pointless.

I think you know. You know its wrong. You know its selfish. You know its unfair to put your sexual desires above his wife and family.

Thats why you've cut contact.

I hope you can now carry on being strong and lead a life you can be proud of.

This

I wasnt 'comparing it with a single man shagging around, I meant that it wasnt so shocking that someone was having sex with two different people, as I said it doesnt make it RIGHT, only that it happens!

Admit it though, you would still give me the same amount of shit whether I knew he was sleeping with his wife or not? or whether I thought she was fat and ugly and a bitch? (she absolutely isnt) its no better or worse that I think she seems nice and I know that they have a marriage that she probably thinks is OK?

To be honest I think she knows. There are lots of things he has said that makes me think that, but she has never confronted him. Again that doesnt make things better or OK or JUSTIFYABLE.

I did have my kids very young and I am also not niaive enough to think that life is perfect and rosy or that I am going to run off into the sunset with this man.

I am trying to take steps to move on.

Apart from telling him yesterday that it's over, what steps are you taking to move on?

Are you going to actively engage in something else so that if he does call you, there will be less of a void so the temptation will be less?

Isla

I dont know yet, to be honest I have spent the last 48 crying so I havent given it much thought as to what to do with myself, I am wallowing in self pity at the moment, which is probably all I can manage at the moment, but the kids are back from their Dads tomorrow so I am going to have to pull myself together.

Have you deleted his numbers and blocked his email?

And how dare you say that you think his wife knows "based on lots of things he has said". The man is a liar, where do you think his wife thinks he is when he is with you? He is not just a liar, but an accomplished one - but of course, he is always completely honest with you, isn't he?

Oh dear

Long thread so not sure if this tack has already been mentioned, but as you initially said the amazing sex is hard to go without and you fear not finding it as good with others, I thought I'd just mention that I thought that once, in a relationship that had no future (neither of us were attached).
Turns out that you can have great sex with others, the thing that changes as you get older (for some women), that makes it better is yourself. Somehow when you get to 30's/40's (I'm guessing you are around that) the body just gets more responsive to everything and combined with knowledge and experience it's always better and yes you can and will be able to have it just as good with others most likely.
Take some heart from knowing that you will have as good a sex life with others, and how much better it will be without the guilt too :-).

annh

'And how dare you say that you think his wife knows "based on lots of things he has said". The man is a liar, where do you think his wife thinks he is when he is with you? He is not just a liar, but an accomplished one - but of course, he is always completely honest with you, isn't he?'

Please insert your own answer, you choose, as it wouldnt matter what I said anyway :-)

How many of the angry women on here are thinking only from the perspective of the wife? Its near-impossible to make life-changing decisions to protect the emotions of a stranger, the OP isn't the person who has chosen to break marriage vows in this situation.

Good luck on sticking to it this time OP. More time and energy for the kids and a chance to move on in life. Can you make plans to go out with a friend next time you would otherwise have time to see him?

Thanks Mrs Hoarder :-)

I have just texted my friend to see if she wants to go out atthe weekend and I have texted my Mum to see if she wants to come for dinner on Sunday.

I might go back on the SUnday /Mum one though, she is a pain in the bum and I think it might make me feel worse :-(

Can you not see how fucked up this is that you have spent 48 hours crying over someone else's husband?

Stop waiting to see if he contacts you. If you are serious be pro active. Block any means of contact he has for you.

He has no respect for his wife or vows why will he have any for your desire to end things?

Yes, cancel your mother if there's any chance she will make you feel worse.
I know I mentioned this yesterday, but I really would make every effort to change your phone number even though it will cause some inconvenience.
I think the psychology of knowing he really can't contact you would be great stepping stone in you moving forward.
There can't be any chance of him being able to mess with you. You deserve better.

I honestly cant change my number, I am self employed. I also have several numbers, he has them all.

Contact your provider and ask them to block his numbers.

Xales

I think it would be more fucked up (although a lot easier) if I didnt have any feelings for him after 2 years.

I have blocked his numbers as I did in the past, but he has before used a different phone to contact me (as I have him)

I need to be strong for when he contacts me

Its fine OP. You just need to learn one line:
"I have nothing more to say to you. Goodbye."

Then hang up. Practise saying it a few times if you're not usually assertive.

It would be better to change your number but its very difficult to be impossible to be contacted in this day and age (especially if being SE means you need an on line presence).

I have been in your situation. I really loved the married man I was with. I met plenty of other men but none measured up even remotely. I really and truly hear what you are saying and understand.

I gave up the relationship by moving abroad. The work opportunity arose and I took it. I got over it pretty quickly once I was gone. But it was hard, initially.

You are not a bad person by the way, just addicted.

Ah so there are 'mother' issues...;)

I don't know if I would have given you shit if you had said she was a nasty piece of work. I could understand it more I suppose if you had. She seems a very undeserving victim of your high sex drive.

I have found your tone quite belligerent at times on this thread but I admire you for the honesty of your responses and your desire to change the situation. It will take balls but I think you have them.

I dont mean to be belligerent, I just say it how it is.

Yes you do need to be strong and tell this guy to fuck off when he calls (which he will and you know it). He has strung you along for 2 years and you are crying over him like a teenage girl when you are a grown woman.

He is Bad News. Get rid. Move on.

And there arent any 'mother' issues, I am not a woman hater :-)

My Mum is deaf and going a bit doolally, she is very hard work.

You know full well what I meant by it being fucked up to cry over someone else's husband for 48 hours.

You are being disingenuous to say I think it would be more fucked up (although a lot easier) if I didnt have any feelings for him after 2 years.

As he will never leave his family I assume then the relationship is only based on sex for him?

Doesnt that upset you that he has no desire for a "proper" relationship but saves all that for his wife and you are merely a shag on the side , two whole years later ?