:-(

[Nevertruetomyself]

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

[Charbon]

I think you need to look at games in the context of TA before you discount that.

This thread is a game within that context.

What would be really helpful is to find out why you play them and how to operate more instinctively from the adult ego state.

[Nevertruetomyself]

I dont understand what you mean?

[Nevertruetomyself]

If there was any 'game' to be played about this thread it would prhaps be that I knew I would get a lot of stick for it and maybe I think I deserve that?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

I think, OP, that you could easily find a way to be "true to yourself" and that would be by replacing the "can't" in your posts with "won't" because, that, essentially, is what you mean, isn't it. You just need to explore why you won't end it.

[IslaValargeone]

Why would the 'game' be about you thinking you'd get a lot of stick because you are having an affair with a married man?
A game would suggest there would be more than one outcome surely? No one was ever going to condone what you are doing.
Forget the naval gazing and do the right thing.

[pickledsiblings]

Nevertrue, how would you feel if this man said that he was leaving his wife for you? I know you've said that you know it won't happen, but if it did, how would you feel? Elated? Scared?

[Charbon]

No, if you were posting this thread to get a flaming you think you deserve, you wouldn't be replying the way you are. Have a look at how many of your posts use the word 'sorry' when you don't mean that word at all. "Sorry I am not perfect" is a passive-aggressive statement. You are not sorry. You don't feel any responsibility to be 'perfect'. This statement doesn't advance the conversation other than to piss respondents off.

Look up Transactional Analysis.

[Nevertruetomyself]

It wasnt me that said I was playing a game, Isla. I was saying if there was one perhaps that would be it.

Pickled, I would like to be with him if he said that he was leaving I would be scared (for him) and I would be worried about how it would work but ultimately I would be pleased

[Squitten]

The most enlightening thing you can do is to try very hard to see this man for who he really is.

Ask yourself what kind of man, married to a very nice woman (by your description) with small children, chooses to have sex elsewhere and SHIT all over his marriage? Is that a nice man? What kind of man goes about his family life, living an utter lie to the face of his wife without a flicker? Is that a nice man? What kind of man has an affair with someone he knows to have strong feelings for him and watches her put her own life on hold for him, knowing full well that he will eventually drop her when she becomes a threat to his home life or gets boring or he finds someone else who interests him? Is that a nice man?

You have to see him for the scumbag that he is and you have to truly understand and accept that that is exactly what he is. That will provide you with the motivation to put an end to it, if you really are so in thrall to this utter monster that you can't do it now.

[Xmasbaby11]

You have to really want to stop, and believe it is for the best. Do you?

You can be happy with someone else. You should not expect an immediate spark though - give it time if you meet someone new.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

But, OP, I wouldn't kid yourself that if, and it's a big if, he did leave his wife for you that he wouldn't ultimately get bored and shit all over you as he is with his current wife.

[Fleecyslippers]

How utterly sordid. He continues to fuck you because you live up to his fantasy of some porn star who has no limits sexually. He could get exactly the same by paying someone. Yet you give him all he wants for free. No wonder he won't dump you. You are deeply deluded and I agree that this thread is totally attention seeking. There are plenty of forums for women who have affairs because I really don't think you're going to hear what you want to hear here.

[onenutshortofasnickers]

Never I do not know why you posted- you don't even want to change.

You say you have tried and list you pathetic excuses and you haven't tried at all- you care more about getting laid that some innocent children and his wife who didn't deserve any of this.

Either way the wife has to know- she married a prick. The prick that you are shagging.

It isn't fair on her. Or her and _the married man with kid's that you are shagging's CHILDREN

He is disgusting and so are you. I hope to god you are just a troll.

If your not, stop posting for 'advice' you don't want to hear.

YOU ARE WRECKING PEOPLES LIVES.

You are just another skank shagging a married man- that's how everyone will look at it, even your family and you kids, great example you set btw- doing anything to get a shag! (Which you are by using a spineless married man with a family instead of dating single people.)

You really are infuriating me with your attitude. You ar being heartless and you are doing this for the thrill and 'excitement' shudders of it all.

End it and see a councillor.

You won't though, you don't want to. I don't even get why you set up this thread.

This will all come out and you have played a part in ruining a family.

[Nevertruetomyself]

I was just going to post more details about why I 'think' I might be doing this, but after the comment from Fleecy then I think it is pointless.

This is exactly why I couldnt open up in counselling sessions :-( I feel dirty and wrong.

I dont want to go onto a forum where affairs are encouraged. I dont want to 'hear' anything I have never said that.

[IslaValargeone]

Erm, nobody is interested in 'why you think you might be doing this'.

If you want to document this, write a diary.

You couldn't open up in counselling sessions because you feel dirty and wrong.
I don't think you'll have anyone disagree with you there.
You said you posted here because something needed to cjange but you didn't know where to start.'
Well people have given you advice which you have either 'but this, but that' or chosen to ignore.

[Charbon]

Okay then. If you think that it's pointless, that's your decision. Anyone who tried to persuade you would be merely joining in the game.

[Buzzardbird]

I wonder if you would be saying "I can't" if you lived in Saudi or somewhere similar where you would face stoning or corporal punishment for what you are doing? (not that any rational person agrees with that punishment)

I bet you "could" then?

You are just being pathetic.

Is this what you wanted to hear?

[uberalice]

Somebody like you had an affair with my dad when I was a teenager. I will never properly get over what my mother and I went through. I think you should end it now.

[MrsHoarder]

It is your life and you are entirely free to dedicate it to a man who cannot and will not put you in the same place. If you want to continue like this then no-one can stop you except him. If you don't want to then its simple, you tell him its over and not to contact you again. If he does then you tell him that repeated contact will be considered as harassment. Then just stop taking to him. Cry, eat to much chocolate and get over him. It can be done.

Think about when he gets older is sick and in hospital. You might not even be told and if you ate you won't be able to see him. Likewise if you are ill he won't be able to spend any more time with you.

Basically you have a fuck buddy you've got too emotionally attached to and you need to give yourself space to get over him because he isn't that into you whatever he may claim.

[Nevertruetomyself]

Thanks I wont post again.

[Buzzardbird]

I thought you posted because you wanted to stop?
I think you will find that everyone was trying to give you the reasons to do just that?
or did I mis-understand?

[HawthornLantern]

Never I think that the best "leads" or help you've had on this thread come from Charbon. She's giving you some way in to understanding what is going on in your situation and you getting control of it - if that is what you really want.

You say you can't open up in front of a counsellor but, I'll say it once more and then stop, you should try and try again.

On one level it looks as if you are trying to open up - why else come to mumsnet and try to start a conversation? Well, there could be many answers to that and I imagine that Charbon would have more knowledge and insight there but....the thing that frightens you - that thing about opening up and facing the ugliness - that's where you need to go looking. That's what you need to get a grip of to get yourself out of this destructive behaviour.

Because it is destructive, to you, to others and you have free will here to stop that, if you choose to use it. Please give yourself a chance. You are in a bad situation and you don't need to be.

[Nevertruetomyself]

Hawthorn

I said I wouldnt post again but didnt want to ignore you.

I have tried a few times to open up to a counsellor, I just cant do it.

I thought being able to do it anonymously on here might help but it hasnt really. I know all the REASONS that I should end it, but if it were that simple it wouldnt even have begun.

But here I am going around in circles again. I will be ending things today, and I will hope that tomorrow, or the day after, or next week I dont cave in..

Im not playing 'games' with anyone, I would have tried to open up further on here but I cant do it, I will just try and deal with this on my own and hope for the best.

Thanks for all the replies.

[Dryjuice25]

What a very frustrating thread.

I hope you sort this as I think you deserve better that this. Posting about it means you have a conscience. Do the right thing.You know what you need to do. Good luck and I hope you find someone who will give you all that you deserve. This man will just create emotional problems for you.

[dingdong75]

actually I don't see why you cant just enjoy this affair. it sounds like it gives you a lot of excitement and fun.
I know people who have carried on an "afternoon affair" for years. they do it for lots of reasons - lust, love, friendship - But sometimes don't want to breakup their families or their real lives
lets be a little more French about it....