:-(

[Nevertruetomyself]

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

[Thisisaeuphemism]

What I've noticed is that grown women who have affairs with married men tend to have 'issues' with women, stemming perhaps from their relationship with their mother or sisters.

They want to be better than the wife and that's what they really get off on.

You sound like that too: talking about how amazing your connection is with this guy, the sex is so extraordinary, yet his wife is ...nice.

I think you should explore this competitiveness you have with women.

[HawthornLantern]

Never I wish you well, I really do. I hope that you can find some way to talk with someone who can help you.

[Nevertruetomyself]

Hawthorn

[HRH008]

Never I have an actual, practical solution for you. Move.

I´m not joking.

If you are serious about stopping this affair.
If you want to build up your own life.

Get a new job, and move.

It´s not simple, it´s not easy, but it will work. Physically move away from him. Do not tell him where. Change your phone number. These steps are all possible and they will force you to be away from him. You can choose to do this and remove yourself from temptation.

[Lueji]

There's no other way.
You cut contact. Delete addresses, phone numbers, etc.
Even change numbers if necessary.

And try to find someone else who is not attached.

[NonnaMai]

I think I understand where you are coming from op.

I had the same sort of amazing sexual relationship with my ex. The sex truly was mind blowing. However he also belittled me, beat me and humiliated me throughout our whole 8 year relationship. After he beat me black and blue while our 8 month old dd sat watching I left him. But for two years after that I would meet him for sex whenever I could. It only ended when he got another woman pregnant and I finally saw the light.

The point of my story is I did meet someone else. I will be honest the sex is great but not as mind blowing as it was with the ex. What is amazing is being with someone who truly loves me, who puts me above everyone else. Someone who wanted to build a life and a family with me. The greatest sex in the world can't beat the feeling of knowing you are truly loved.

Give yourself a chance. Only you can do it.

[MrsHoarder]

I've been there OP, the only difference was we were younger and had less to loose. Sometimes it is just the chemistry.

You're not a passenger in your life, you can make choices to change things. Sometimes those choices are hard, but they are your choices to make. The rest of "why we do things" is window dressing. It might influence how you make choices, but you can still make the harder ones without understanding why the other option is the attractive one.

As for the practical advice and flaming, you appeared to be asking for advice on how to motivate yourself to go. That was your motivation.

[merryvixen]

OP if you have decided to end it but fear being sucked back in, why not keep posting on here? I bet you'll get some amazing support once you're on "the road to recovery". You've been flamed for sure but the shock of that might have jolted you out of your numbed conscience maybe? Just a guess, I don't want to be patronising. But come back for support in staying away from him, please! This could be your chance at life and freedom from this controlling, sleazy man (and you'll see him as he is one day).

[hilbobaggins]

Your post is so sad. You sound so lonely, OP.

The not being true to yourself, not being able to open up, conducting this affair you have to keep secret... it's all part of the same picture. You are running the same script over and over again.

I know you've tried therapy, but please try again. Telling a good therapist about what's going on will let some light into this dark claustrophobic world you've constructed.

And do keep posting. I agree that the support you'll get here will be second to none.

[KoalaFace]

I'd also like to offer support when you've made your brave first step!

Good luck OP you deserve better than you've got.

[littlesongbird]

By all means castigate the OP for her liaison with a married man.

But please let's not peddle the nonsensical old message that there are so many amazing single men out there that one will drop into her lap in an instant. Because there really aren't many single, decent men without huge numbers of issues. Trust me, I've looked. I can entirely see how hard it is to give up mindblowing sex, indeed any sex at all, when there is a very real prospect of years of celibacy ahead.

I was involved with a married man. Belated I did the right thing and ended it. It is now almost a decade later, I have not had another relationship since, and barely any sex either. Certainly none that could even be described as good.

If I could go back in time, I expect for my conscience I would still make the same decision nonetheless, but I do understand why the OP is conflicted.

[olgaga]

there really aren't many single, decent men without huge numbers of issues

That's right. But married men who are prepared to deceive their wives and children, and use available single women for sex, also have "issues".

They're certainly not decent. The decent married men, the ones who are loyal to their wives, are unavailable.

[daytoday]

Sex is great right, but then one day it will just fizz out. Great sex is like beauty - its all in the eye of the beholder. It really will fizz out.

And you will look back on all those wasted years and wish you had moved on quicker. You will be older but not wiser. You will also be full of self disgust for the affair. Will you be able to tell your kids about the affair? A new partner?

Can you really enjoy yourself knowing you are part of such a fundamental betrayal of another person?

[Distrustinggirlnow]

It's the excitement of it all isn't it. The thrill of the secret, it so wonderful and sexy, illicit and daring. Champagne and strawberries not tea and hot cross buns

That's because it's not real. You know it's not real. He doesn't actually want you. Sure he likes the sex as do you. You are free to pursue sex with whoever, he however, is not.

He is a liar and a cheat. He is disloyal to someone who loves him, his wife. Oh it's jolly big of him to be nice about her, isn't it. Maybe you two could be friends.....

Do you think that if he left her he wouldn't do this to you? Cheat on you.

She does know, of course. You deserve so much more and I think you know this. He is not the only man who is amazing in bed. Go and find one who is available. Find a fwb if you don't want the whole relationship thing.

It will end in tears, namely yours and his wife's and he will stroll away, hands in pockets looking for the next woman shag

You could have so much fun, rather than skulking around behind closed doors. Go on, delete his number and start living rather than being someone's secret.

[TanteRose]

HRH funny, I was going to suggest exactly the same thing! Move to the other end of the country...

[Nevertruetomyself]

Thank you for the posts last night offering encouragement.

I have come back because I got so many PM's and may not have time to reply to them all so I wanted to say thanks for that too.

littlesongbird your post made me cry because it is so true :-( I have been divorced for years and every man I meet has some serious issues. As pointed out, MM who have affairs also have 'issues' but in all this time at least I have known where I stood. However hard it is to hear from the ones who say hes lying to me, hes sleazy etc. etc. I did hold half the cards, I didnt lie to him and I dont think he had any need to lie to me. Its hard to let go of something that is so good.

I dont think I will ever look back on these years as wasted, because I have enjoyed every second of his time and company. If someone else came along, I could move on whenever I liked, im not being held back :-)

Anyway, I dont think that I will be posting for support, although that is a very nice offer :-) I will see how I get on. We havent contacted each other yet :-)

[Nevertruetomyself]

I cant move away because of ties with the house, kids, etc. but a very nice idea :-)

[MrsHoarder]

Some warning though op, I recommend you read the disclaimer at the top about the firm not being able to offer counselling. It is unwise to put more if yourself than you can afford onto a website. Mumsnet is good for getting a second point of view but not for discussions that are best carried out with a counsellor.

[badinage]

What made me roll my eyes in this thread was this:

when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

It never fails to amaze me how many OW fall for a man completely desexualising his wife and damning her with faint praise.

Or that OW see other women in such one-dimensional terms.

He won't tell you about the amazing sex they've also had/still have, or that she's got a wicked sense of humour, or that she's quick-witted with a sharp brain, or about the quirks that he loves and couldn't be without. Because that would be to present her as a whole person and not just some kind, maternal sap.

These are the lies of omission told in an affair.

If it's been two years and he's still there, what he's also not telling you is that he loves this whole person more than you and because he's selfish, has worked out that he would rather lose you, than her.

Cop yourself on here. There is a great deal he's not telling you and pretending to himself that silence about that, isn't actually lying. He's simply chosen to tell you qualities about his wife that are 'safe' for you to hear and which don't threaten your role as his sexual and romantic partner. He can big himself up because in his book he hasn't dissed his wife and you can big yourself up because you've got her down as a kind mother earth figure and yourself as a sex siren who he can't resist.

He doesn't love the whole you and he's not telling you what he loves about that whole person he wants to stay with.

[Nevertruetomyself]

Sorry had to reply to that.

I have not gone into any detail about what he says about his wife, but I can assure you that I dont see her as 'one dimensional'

Actually he has gone into some detail about their sex life, im not sharing it on here, but I am not some dilusional child, I know that they have sex and I know that it is obviously good otherwise they wouldnt bother :-) I know that she is a good Mother and wife and that she has lots of friends, so I am presuming that she speaks/laughs/has fun.

He doesnt have to tell me he loves her more than me, of course he does. He loves his family, he loves his life, he probably loves me a little bit too, but not enough to leave what he has. I have never asked him to and never would.

I know that you are trying to 'shock' me, telling me these 'truths' but I have been in a 'relationship' with this man for 2 years, I think I know him quite well :-)

I have never said that I was a sex siren and she a mother earth type either, I dont know where you picked that up from, apart from that I said she was nice. Should I have elaborated how nice??

Im not an idiot.

[badinage]

Oh yes you are if you think you know him well.

You know nothing about a whole chunk of his life because you're not there to see it. You can't see how he is with his wife and family, his mates, his birth family.

You see the bits he feels safe to show you. You see his wife from what he's prepared to tell you about her; you don't know her at all and you don't know their relationship.

[Nevertruetomyself]

And he doesnt know a whole chunk of my life for the same reason.

Doesnt mean we dont know each other.

As I said, I know you wanted to 'shock' me. You cant, im not stupid, I know the score (or should i say KNEW the score)

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Oof, so you actually know that when he has sex with you he might have been with her one hour before. You're not even pleading ignorance on that!

I really think you need to ask yourself why you are doing this to another woman.

[Wewereherefirst]

Have you cut contact now?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

"he has gone into some detail about their sex life" - What a fucking betrayal. And you are complicit in that.