Am I being a mug - supporting him when he won't support me?

[Amykins35]

Hi, it's my first time here. Haven't got anyone to discuss this with and would appreciate some perspectives. It's complicated, but will try not to make it too long though you're welcome to ask anything you feel I've missed.
DP and I have been together for 4 years. I had a 2.5 year old when we met, we now have a 14 month old together. We were planning to move in together when I was pregnant as that's when our contracts on respective properties ran out. However, some extra debts from his marriage came to light and we couldn't afford to do so. When his contract ran out he moved into a room in a friends house which he doesn't pay for. He comes to visit for tea on work nights then sleeps at his friends, on nights off (generally 3 per week) he eats and sleeps here. He doesn't pay anything towards rent, food or bills here though he does pay maintenance towards our baby - though that's partly to reduce the CSA payment for his children from his marriage I suspect. All his money (around 40k salary) is going into paying off his debts.
He says that if he's being honest it'll be at least another 1.5/2 years before he can afford to move in with us. He would then like us to have another baby. I said that I wouldn't like a baby if I couldn't stay home with them for at least the first three years (personal preference) and he said that in that case we wouldn't be able to have another one as 'his wages wouldn't be enough to support us.' At the moment I do and pay for everything and think I'm being a mug for effectively supporting him to clear his debts when he isn't willing to support me in the future. Having another child isn't essential for me but it irritates me that I have far less money than 40k p/a yet it's ok for me to support him but he wouldn't do it for me.
Also, it's gone from having a baby together in a loving committed relationship where we were moving in together to him not living with us until our child is potentially almost 3.5 years old. Not to mention the fact this isn't good for either child, it means I do absolutely everything for them. I work from home and am also studying for a degree. Next year is my final year when I'll be doing my dissertation which is obviously a huge piece of work. Another student that's doing it this year said she's been in the library 4 days per week from 10am-11pm since September and still not finished. Youngest DD is difficult at night - she will only sleep if latched on so doing my university work is proving impossible. When I told DP how much work is involved next year he said he'd 'tell his mum to get DVD player fired up to entertain DD.' I just felt like screaming at him that it isn't his mums responsibility to have our DD (never mind the fact she never has, never offered and lives 1.5 hours away) that if he lived with us then he could do what normal partners do and help with the kids at night so I can work then. He's just done some work based exams which he got to study for every night interruption free as I have the kids yet I feel I could well fail the degree which I've invested my savings in and that is essential for my future career and for me to be able to provide for the kids. Not only that but if we reach the day where he moves in then things won't get easier for me as he won't know what to do with the kids/they'll want me.
I'm aware I'm ranting now so I'll stop there! Am I wrong to be feeling utterly pissed off at the situation?

"He thinks its ok that I'm paying for everything now because its for the families good long term. Hence if he contributed now it'd be longer til he could pay his debts and move in."

That is not a reason, nor is it an explanation. It is a THREAT. What he is saying is: "If you make me pay for my own food/rent/holiday/petrol I will not move in with you."

Can you not see that?

But surely NOT helping with the children, NOT helping you with you career is damaging in the long term as well?

OP, I reckon that MumsnetHQ could set up a new category for clock lodgers called Bumsnet, 'cos he's a cocklodging bum

Wow, you really need to take a long hard look at all the facts you've put into this thread OP and think what advice you would give a friend in the same circumstances.

He is a leech. He is leeching from you, financially and emotionally. He will continue to do so until you say enough is enough.

I'm a freelance writer and a nanny. I Will continue to write when (if) I qualify as a teacher - have always wanted to be a teacher, nannying is for experience. Surfing - we were supposed to move in together when I was pregnant so I thought I'd have help with baby. He couldn't do/not do anything before then because we didn't have baby. DP doesn't need a car as he lives walking distance from work. His wife decided he could no longer see the kids, but he hasn't fought her on it.

But it isn't a threat to not move in because its him that wants to move in more than I want him to. I've said we can't live together until he sorts his life out.

I meant cocklodger of course

Oh and I also had savings/money from previous marital home to pay towards degree.

His wife decided he could no longer see the kids..

Mmmm. Really?

Yes, really. It isn't a lie, I was there when she told him.

And he just agreed, did he?

Obviously doesn't think much of his children.

He said he'd take to court but hasn't despite his parents offering to pay legal costs.

Wives can't just 'decide' that fathers can't see their kids. If he was a decent human being he'd be taking her to court to get to see them.
You've got yourself a real prince there amy. Why the fuck does he say he wants another baby?

It's a shame you can't fight as hard for yourself as you can for this apparent nobcheese of a man.

What do you want from your relationship with him?

To me, he seems to not be your partner, someone who supports your endeavours emotionally, physically and financially, but an occasional boyfriend.

You are.not involved in any of the choices he makes. You witness him take decisions but you are not part of the decision making process.

If his debt does exist, did you sit with him and the bank manager? Did you weigh up the best options for you as a family, e.g. Several projected family budgets with income/outgoings, showing various level of repayments, etc.?

What would you like to happen going forward?

Amy, why have you told him he can't move in? I don't understand that.

Uh, OK so you have gone from:

Also, it's gone from having a baby together in a loving committed relationship where we were moving in together to him not living with us until our child is potentially almost 3.5 years old. Not to mention the fact this isn't good for either child, it means I do absolutely everything for them. in your OP

to

But it isn't a threat to not move in because its him that wants to move in more than I want him to.

Just now. You really ARE in terrible denial.

If you don't really want him to move in then what's your problem?

Yes, why does he want more kids when he doesn't give a shit about the ones he already has?

It's like those idiots who get a puppy or kitten cos it's cute then can't be bothered with it, except a million times worse.

OP when are you going to are this freeloading tosser for what he is?

see not 'are'

Your original post started am I a mug? YES YES YES> but you have spent a lot of time telling us all the reasons why he isn't as bad as you have told us he is.

Amy I want to give you a good shake and shout WAKE UP WOMAN!!! until you do. Your self esteem must be at rock bottom and I feel very for you. Please don't allow this pathetic loser to suck you dry like this. Listen to the advice you've had on here, from other women seeing your situation objectively. Your future with this total loser will be a hard, miserable one. You and your children deserve better.

What's the point of posting OP if you're not going to take on board any of the advice.

He sounds like he's absolutely full of shit.

Move on. Things are never going to change. Or carry on bring miserable.

It's up to you.

It's like watching someone putting their hand in a fire and complaining it burns. People then say 'take your hand out' but still the person keeps their hand in the flames.
"Oh well I guess charred fingers are alright once you get used to it."

Hi Amy, you must be feeling a bit battered by all the messages on here at the

but please understand that the posters all have your best interests at heart,

unlike your 'd'p, who clearly doesn't give two hoots about you or any of his

children. Try to work out why you are not seeing through his endless bullshit,

which is designed to give him a comfortable life, with no worries, while you

suffering, and will continue to suffer, mentally, financially, socially, career-wise

and in lots of other ways. How can you possibly think he would be a half-way

decent to the child you share when he can't be bothered to see his other

children? Absolutely nothing he says to you makes any sense or is intended to

make your situation better. He will continue to bleed you dry, if you let him.