Am I being a mug - supporting him when he won't support me?

[Amykins35]

Hi, it's my first time here. Haven't got anyone to discuss this with and would appreciate some perspectives. It's complicated, but will try not to make it too long though you're welcome to ask anything you feel I've missed.
DP and I have been together for 4 years. I had a 2.5 year old when we met, we now have a 14 month old together. We were planning to move in together when I was pregnant as that's when our contracts on respective properties ran out. However, some extra debts from his marriage came to light and we couldn't afford to do so. When his contract ran out he moved into a room in a friends house which he doesn't pay for. He comes to visit for tea on work nights then sleeps at his friends, on nights off (generally 3 per week) he eats and sleeps here. He doesn't pay anything towards rent, food or bills here though he does pay maintenance towards our baby - though that's partly to reduce the CSA payment for his children from his marriage I suspect. All his money (around 40k salary) is going into paying off his debts.
He says that if he's being honest it'll be at least another 1.5/2 years before he can afford to move in with us. He would then like us to have another baby. I said that I wouldn't like a baby if I couldn't stay home with them for at least the first three years (personal preference) and he said that in that case we wouldn't be able to have another one as 'his wages wouldn't be enough to support us.' At the moment I do and pay for everything and think I'm being a mug for effectively supporting him to clear his debts when he isn't willing to support me in the future. Having another child isn't essential for me but it irritates me that I have far less money than 40k p/a yet it's ok for me to support him but he wouldn't do it for me.
Also, it's gone from having a baby together in a loving committed relationship where we were moving in together to him not living with us until our child is potentially almost 3.5 years old. Not to mention the fact this isn't good for either child, it means I do absolutely everything for them. I work from home and am also studying for a degree. Next year is my final year when I'll be doing my dissertation which is obviously a huge piece of work. Another student that's doing it this year said she's been in the library 4 days per week from 10am-11pm since September and still not finished. Youngest DD is difficult at night - she will only sleep if latched on so doing my university work is proving impossible. When I told DP how much work is involved next year he said he'd 'tell his mum to get DVD player fired up to entertain DD.' I just felt like screaming at him that it isn't his mums responsibility to have our DD (never mind the fact she never has, never offered and lives 1.5 hours away) that if he lived with us then he could do what normal partners do and help with the kids at night so I can work then. He's just done some work based exams which he got to study for every night interruption free as I have the kids yet I feel I could well fail the degree which I've invested my savings in and that is essential for my future career and for me to be able to provide for the kids. Not only that but if we reach the day where he moves in then things won't get easier for me as he won't know what to do with the kids/they'll want me.
I'm aware I'm ranting now so I'll stop there! Am I wrong to be feeling utterly pissed off at the situation?

[starfishmummy]

Op - are you sure this is your first time on mn? This thread is remarkably like one I have read before.

[Amykins35]

Yes definitely first time starfish.
He has three children with his ex. He does drive and used to have a car he used to see them but when it broke he didn't replace it as he was no longer allowed contact by then. He says he will get a contact order as part of the divorce but he hasn't seen them for almost 2 years now. Even if he is granted contact he can't travel to get them and doesn't have a home for them to stay at. Maybe he thinks his relationship with them is magically on hold til his debts are repaid? Who knows.

[showtunesgirl]

Now I don't know a whole lot about divorce and contact etc but I thought that a parent had to have done something pretty awful for there to be a complete no contact order?

[expatinscotland]

Can't travel to see his kids. Can't pay anyone rent. Gees, other than spreading his seed round he can't do a lot of FA, can he?

[expatinscotland]

And he wanted another kid?

[Jux]

It's pretty shocking, op, you must admit. The level of communication between you is atrocious! You know virtually nothing about him, not the extent of his debts, not why he doesn't see his children. H
Do you actually know his address? I think you should go round there with a shirt or pair of socks or something which he had accidentally left at yours. See who and how he's living.

Have you met any of his friends?

[LapsedPacifist]

Access would be sorted in the next part of their divorce.

Yeah, when hell freezes over... .

Am also still v. confused about exactly WHAT sort of undergraduate dissertation is 'much longer' than 10,000 words - the average is 10-12,000 (max) words.

Don't understand the figures here at all. Partner on £40K+ per year and still sofa surfing? We've had massive debts in the past but never had to pay off £2K+ per month??

[Mimishimi]

"Op - are you sure this is your first time on mn? This thread is remarkably like one I have read before. "

It's sounds like a thread that was on here last year or year before but from the perspective of his ex-wife. She had three kids, he had affair with a single mum who got pregnant (not sure if she knew he was married when it started), told his ex-wife he'd keep paying mortgage on their marital home but didn't, moved into a friend's house rather than OW's. It wasn't that long ago and it had heaps of responses...

[LittleEdie]

You're basically paying off his debts.

[LittleEdie]

...and he hasn't seen his kids in 2 years?!

[CheerfulYank]

Good Lord this is beyond taking the piss.

May I just ask, what the fuck has happened to real men?!
It seems like every other day I hear of some fuckwit or another like this. My grandfathers, great uncles, dad, etc, were all wild, all drinkers, but they'd have died of shame if they didn't "do for their kids".

I have friends with useless fathers to their children who tell me all the time that I'm "lucky" DH is such a good guy, so "lucky" that he coaches DS' teams and works hard to provide for him, etc. I'M NOT 'LUCKY', IT'S JUST WHAT ADULTS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!

Sorry if I hijacked but it just infuriates me.

[GardenPath]

Quite right, CY! Infuriates the fuck out of me, too. 'Lucky' has nothing to do with it. Why should we have to consider ourselves 'lucky' FFS???!!! My God, brace yourselves girls, equality is centuries off, yet.

[GardenPath]

?His wife stayed in the marital home then didn't pay the mortgage for months. They also had loans and credit cards?. Well, I should think she?s entitled; she has to keep a roof over 3 kids. But was she a SAHM or not? She must have a good job to pay for childcare and a mortgage, even supposing he is paying CSA. But are you sure he?s not supposed to be paying the mortgage? Isn?t the usual arrangement for him to pay that until the youngest is 18? I?m not up with all that sort of stuff, but if he is on 40k what does the CSA decide on child maintenance? Or has he pleaded poverty ?due to debt? to lower the CSA? If that is the ?debt? he?s talking about that?s going to last for years. Not 18 months/2 years. How do you know he?s paying for his kids?
?We were planning to move in together when I was pregnant as that's when our contracts on respective properties ran out. However, some extra debts from his marriage came to light [did they now? What, just out of the blue?] and we couldn't afford to do so....?. Sorry, why not? ?All his money (around 40k salary) is going into paying off his debts.? That must be one hell of a debt. If he?s really managed to run up debt like that and he isn?t even thirty those alarms would be going off in my head like just before the Luftwaffe hit the East End. ?His wife decided he could no longer see the kids, but he hasn't fought her on it.? Now, why am I not surprised? ?Yes, really. It isn't a lie, I was there when she told him?. So, she?s standing there, having been dumped on by her feckless wastrel of an ex, no doubt he put her through the mill, just as he has you, three kids to look after now as a single parent ? he?s there, WITH his new girlfriend (pregnant/with baby?), and she tells him he can?t see the kids? No shit? The unreasonable, evil cow. And I wonder what he?s told his mum? What do his parents think of his carry on? And you don?t have any family or friends? Outside contact? Apart from his parents and his mum thinks the sun shines, etc.? So you?re socially isolated. No support. Nobody (apart from us) to say ?hang on a minute...?. No benchmark. Nothing for you to measure by; to act as a reality check. He?s your only friend? He must have seen you coming. This gets classicerer and classicerer. And if you?d had friends, he?d probably have isolated you from them. Sulked when they came round or when you wanted to see them or go out with them. Knocking you up is one excellent way to defuse you; render you vulnerable, isolated and manageable. You can?t get about with a bairn to see to so he?ll mostly know where you are. This type generally go for single parents for that very reason. And since he?s your only friend, you?re afraid of the loneliness if you get shot of him. And stupidly, stupidly, when the unhappiness (and loneliness, as he?s not there as a proper partner) really gets to you, the only person you feel you want to, or can, talk it out with is the very person who?s causing you all the grief. Bit like the ?Stockholm Syndrome?.
Do you really want to be doing this in a years time; two years? Five? Ten? Get it over with. Pull the tooth. Lance the boil. Now. I can guarantee, 100% to the power of a million, in a couple of years time you'll be thinking " What the fuck was I doing with that prick?"

[NorksAreMessy]

[Loulybelle]

Wow OP, you bagged yourself a major loser, dont see his kids yet wants more.

Its almost like, he wants to dangle another baby infront of like "See i do want to live with you, so lets have a baby, thats a sign of my commitment"

But its not a sign of commitment is it?

Your in complete denial over this man, hes one of lifes drains, get a grip, your a mother arent you. If you DD dont like him, then take that as a sign.

Its men like that, make me think, thank fuck im single.

[deXavia]

Can I ask what you would do if this was you DD's partner when she has grown up? You do know this is turning out to be her model of a "normal" relationship?
Honestly get rid, and starting working on building up a network of friends and acquaintances - if not for your sake, then for their's

[akaWisey]

What GardenPath said.

Excellent post.

[KatieMiddleton]

You sound like the poster who had the partner who hid from his kids at the ice rink: have a child but do not live together, she has child from previous relationship. He's a waster who doesn't step up to his responsibilities or see his children from first relationship. She is deluded.

How sad that there are two of you in this world who do not understand you deserve more than this half life waiting for this feckless idiot?

[KatieMiddleton]

He's stil not divorced? No surprise. I nearly said as much but it all seems rather pointless

[pinkyredrose]

Can't travel to see his 3 kids? He's heard of trains and buses right?

Sorry but an excuse of a man who ignores his own kids for 2 yrs is not someone I'd waste my time with. Don't you see that aa a massive red flag?

He left his previous family in the marital home so he would be duty bound to pay the mortgage and keep a roof over his childrens heads surely?

OP have you been to his friends house where he says he's staying?

[MorrisZapp]

I'm with norks.

[suburbophobe]

Not read the whole topic.

Probably tells people he pays more towards us too though.

So not only is he a freeloading cocklodger, he's a liar to boot to make himself look better than he is.

Wanker.

[PureQuintessence]

You Amy, you seem to be a mug of the highest order.


Just read your own thread.

[ChunkyEasterChick]

I'm so sorry that you don't feel good enough about yourself that you feel this is all you deserve.

As a teacher (with 2DC) I can tell you that a) you need to get your confidence & self-esteem sorted before you enter that classroom otherwise you will be in hell & b) without my DH doing the cooking, his fair share (& more) of the housework etc I couldn't have coped, particularly in the first couple of yrs. And that was before kids.

Please read the thread with an open mind and see him for what he is. Either a useless, pathetic waste of space at best (ha!) or a manipulative, lying bastard who has you exactly where he wants you - in his control.

[Amykins35]

There isn't a no contact order. His wife said he couldn't see the kids, he didn't go to court to try to do so. Jux - I haven't said I don't know the extent of his debts or why he doesn't see his kids. I do know both, thank you. I don't understand why he doesn't go to court to sort out contact, or why he doesn't seek debt advice to make it more manageable - there is a difference. Lapsed - my dissertation includes 12000 words about the 'process' of doing my dissertation, which is essentially writing a book. Only the first 4 chapters must be included but in order to write the dissertation accurately/increase the chances of getting a First it would beneficial to write the entire book. Mimishimi - doubt it was his wife if that's what you're trying to infer. We did not have an affair, it was his wife that had an affair. GardenPath - His wife doesn't live in the marital home anymore, it has since been sold. She gets at least £700 per month in maintenance for his children and subsequent children she's had alone, she doesn't work and claims benefits as far as I know. Also, she wasn't dumped by him. She had an affair. I'm not defending him, it just annoys me when people assume we must have had an affair and left this poor woman with the children. She left him, took the kids, got pregnant by someone else, left them for someone else, convinced DP to help her borrow money to rent a house and has now left him to pay the debts. Yes I know where he's living.
I know you all disagree with what I'm doing, and obviously I wouldn't be posting if I was happy with it, but if we hadn't had our daughter and him not living with us wasn't affecting my degree I wouldn't be too fussed. I think there are a lot of relationships where the man helps/supports the woman if she has debts/baggage but if a woman helps a man to do the same then he is labelled a cocklodger.