Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

less worried bout seeing the doc and more preoccupied with staying away from him for a decrease in the feeling of shock and awe.

had a good ol [ROFL] at pants on fire!!!

EDMR apparently.. but not til 2-3 mths after FP ends?? I guess its better that way, but I just want to get out the other side!

Fi I am very glad the docs don't see it as too threatening, from what you say. It must be very hard indeed to switch off from worrying, but try to do some relaxation breathing or wine drinking to relax yourself lovey

leclerc I too ROFL'd at pants on fire, hahaha

Fool how bloody horrible your fw is being on skype. I think he may be the identical twin of mine knobheads. PS SO good to see you back! Did you have a nice break?

match so with your fw for his appalling bloody behaviour. Do you feel strong enough to report to SS and make contact supervised?

Nora hello! I don't know what's cool, but Ghostbusters could, I feel, be adapted to become our anthem

Well since my outburst, fw here has been, up till this evening, all over me like a rash, to the point I feel I have to have kids with me all the time to fend off advances I have to say no to. It's so out of order and obviously totally breaks our agreement and disrespects my terms. So I tell him this tonight and sure enough, a millimetre below the surface, there was old fw waiting, same old tone, same old blaming, same old stuck in his own mindset and incapable of seeing anyone else's. In a sense he always shoots himself so badly in the foot, because had he said in response to this, I respect your confusion, pain, wish for space. I am here for you any time but will leave you in peace and do anything, blah de blah, then I would probably have started eroding my own conviction. Whereas his fwittery had bolstered it. But I guess I wouldn't be at this point in my mind if he wasn't a fw!

That's awful, that story in Bolton-le-Sands. Whenever I hear about one of these appallingly frequent cases I feel fearful for the precious souls on here and their little ones. Equally devastated for that lady and her lovely boy, it's unbearable

PS leclerc I can see why you feel you have to go to the dinner. Good luck with fending off either sliminess or fwittery. Write fuck off on your knickers!

Oh no you can't - they're on fire

Hey, have never been into tattoos, will consider it after hearing that tisi

Seriously, though, I think it is spot on that the daily survival thing is all consuming. One of the things I realised was that it suited FW that I was sleep deprived because he always contributed to it. Sounds bizarre, but if I had work to do when he was there, I was never able to get it done during the day, it was a struggle to get a couple of hours so I was always up till after midnight even when he and I both knew that I would be woken by DC2 regularly in the night. There are more things which I know think that contributed to me being exhausted it didn't help. Then he would ask me every morning how much sleep I had got, which use to piss me off, but now I think he had his little sleep calculator, if I looked like I was getting enough, he would start some Fwittery to disturb it. That sounds completely loony I am sure. Especially as I am now sleep depriving myself by posting about it.

I didn't read betters link as I have been having some worrying thoughts around FW and from what you are all saying it sounds like everyone's worst nightmare . I hope everyone stays safe. My heart goes out that poor lady and her dc.

now think, not know. Such gobbledygook always comes out when I post on my phone. Night night all.

G'night Snow I hope your worries are unfounded

tis the Lundy book was the best thing I ever read. Even after years I was full of doubt, the book really helped and it is something you can go back to isn't it. FWs behave so differently from the norm it is very hard to understand things at times.
Looking back my FW stuck the boot right in when I was at my lowest. It took every piece of strength I had to face him in court the second time and I thank you ladies so much for helping me get that strength. When I saw that things I had learned on here `stonewalling' for one and Lundy advice such as thier attempts to gain your friends as allies - really did help to overcome the abusive man it gave me a little bit more confidence.

Pony you would hope that would be the case but I am always getting told about all his `rights' so we will just have to see. I will be speaking to my sol. next week before we go back to court, my bills are already so high I am trying to keep my dealings with them to a minimum - FW is publically funded grrrrrr.

snow I hope your worries are unfounded but what the article told me was.. don't ever let him in the house again.

oh help... I need to write this down and frame it..

He knows exactly what he did. Because he never acted on his feelings. It was all about beliefs and control and keeping me 'in my place'

he still knows what he's doing and is still playing blooming head games with me and the DC.

argh

and thanks i did have a nice (but unfortunately not FW free) time. Curses on the internet, texts and skype. It's too easy to get to us!

(OTOH thank heavens or we'd all never have met and helped one-another)

Breathe, I have said exactly the same thing about FW on many occasions, that is he were to behave in a nice, understanding manner about things I said then I would probably be quite easy to win back over and have my resolution disappear... But then that's what a normal person would so. It's probably a good thing that they don't have that within them!

snow you don't sound like a loon at all. I think that our perceptions of what is normal and what is mad behaviour (by the FWs) is completely skewed because they do both, at different times. I couldn't believe that my FW was bugging my house, but I couldn't see how he wasn't because of things he knew I'd said. It's a headfeck, it really is.

Leclerc - I know it shouldn't, but it still staggers me that your FW is saying he 'doesn't know what he's done wrong' - when he put himself on an abusers programme!!!! Gah!

Did you know they speak Welsh in Patagonia, Leclerc!

I think he is both stupid and lying. Stupid arrogance to think that it no-one will make the connection between his actions and him being asked to leave (that no-one will know what happened because he has not told them...). Their FWittery has served them all their life, just keep doing it and eventually everything will go your way again. My FW suffers from that kind of stupidity too. I remember you getting that copy of Lundy. Again, still staggering that you didn't have access to any money. You have come so, so far.

(admits to actually looking for available properties on Arran, Skye and Mull...pipe dreams)

snow I have to agree, it is all consuming and all obliterating, just surviving.

I think some of the FWs still count on this driving us back to them?

and I think stupid and clever and liars all at the same time.

I'd never thought of sleep deprivation as a tactic or the starting of long, emotional conversations before bed. I knew it was something that happened here but didn't realise they all did it.

I'm trying to decide if it would be worth attempting mediation to make the separation as amicable as possible. Is it worth it? Or is mediation like going to counselling with an EA ie a waste of time?

I was thinking if I went to a solicitor first so I had an idea of my legal standing and rights, and then went to mediation together. Does that sound sensible or mad? I can't believe it's April and I've made so little progress .

fool I love Arran. You could start a little retreat house

Tethering, why not go to a solicitor as a starting point anyway? Mediation is usually only required if nothing can be agreed between you (using solicitors), and is a first point of call before resorting to court action. I think mediation with a FW is probably similar to joint counselling - you are going into it as a normal person with normal expectations, but they are not and do not. But it can help in some circumstances (Bertie on this thread managed to get some agreements and resolutions). And if an agreement can't be reached, then court is the next step.

That's my take on it anyway!

So their reasoning for you learning Welsh in school was in case you went to Patagonia? Hardcore!!!

Tonight will be awful for you, but you can grit your teeth and gird your fiery pants and you will get through it. Try not to sit opposite him either, so he's not in your eyeline! This time tomorrow it'll be well in the past.