Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi everyone, hope you had a lovely Easter Sunday, as FWfree as possible.

bertie glad you got to speak to your DS. Like the idea of changing name on phone. silver and tis, I hope you are enjoying your respective breaks,and, in her absence, that charlotte is fine.

maggie, not sure if you will be reading, but do not worry about trip to yorkshire. You should only communicate with STBXFW, when you have left, through a solicitor and only arrange contact with legal advice. You do not owe this man anything, and it is in your dcs interests to have contact properly regulated.

mrsm, I have to say that when I had the last conversation with fw, the one which actually ended it, he acted in a manner which confirmed that I was doing the right thing. That is not to say he accepted what I was saying, and I had to reiterate it about four times over the following month. He has not given me the impression that he is hurt, more,how dare I?

fi good luck for biopsy results.

tis missed the bit about fw having his hands on your throat. Scary. But also hard when these things come back to you, like your brain only allows you to process what you are ready to cope with, one bit at a time.

match not sure what to say about the easter egg. FW here would not do that, it would pain him too much to give me anything at all, but it would be weird if he did give me something, iyswim. But definitely wants to know what i am doing, all the while being less thanopen about his whereabouts.

Good wishes to everone else, lots to reply to tonight.

Happy Easter everyone! I have some good news. My part time working has been agreed. Feel guilty about sorting it behind h's back but it is necessary to prove I'm the primary carer. Am really looking forward to a better work-life balance and it kind of feels like the start of the rest of my life. Just need to ditch the fw now! However my gut reaction was not as I expected. The whole of leaving h kind of hinged on it and we have agreed the salary that I have calculated i can survive on. But instead of being thrilled like I should I feel sad and flat. I suppose it's because it makes separating more real and despite everything that is sad. plus h is being fun dad and nice ATM and that makes it hard to remember how he can be. When I go there will only be dd and me. I'm worried that I won't be enough for her. That life will be dull and quiet. I wish these sad thoughts would go. And I wish I could stop loving h and start feeling that things really will be better on my own.

Sorry for self indulgent post

Not

Oops not sure where the extra not came from. I really AM sorry for being all me me me!

bounty this feeling of sadness and flatness is, perhaps surprisingly, often felt by people when they have achieved something after a lot of effort which means a lot. The example I'm thinking of is getting a PhD, suddenly the thing you've been aiming for is accomplished, you have a moment of triumph and then - whumph. (Disclaimer: not experienced at first hand, but a well known syndrome in academe.) This does pass...

So rest a little on your laurels, and soon, when you're ready, you'll be focussing on the next phase.

And finally, gb, I had not read your thread, but anyone who finds themselves here deserves support and commiserations. I did look at it last night after fis comments on here as she is a balanced and supportive poster, so I wondered why she would be shouted down, so to speak.

I read the last page about the cereal, put together the story, and dreamt about iit interspersed with being awake. It gave me absolute and utter clarity about something which was at the heart of why I left my marriage to FW but which never seemed rational and I could never express. Which will sound oblique as I am not going to post details, he would recognise immediately. I read four more pages this evening, working backwards. Again, I recognise stuff. Two points, or maybe three. The first is, it is much, much easier to gain clarity about a situation when you are not in it, or are no longer in it. When you are in it, the person who is supposed to love you is distorting your reality.
Second, that thread itself is intense. Lots of good support, lots of helpful insights, but very, very difficult to read, because also a huge pressure on you to respond in realtime, when actually we all need time to process stuff and you are no different. Leaving my marriage was one of the hardest things I did but in retrospect, the most neessary. But it took longer than it should.
Thirdly, with that pressure, thank you for posting. Not an easy read,but I recognise things which on some level I knew but would not have known how to express. This post does not need a reply. I wish you all the very best and hope you find peace. If you post on here or elsewhere, do so because it helps you, not because you feel you have to.

Good grief, i am tired, if you make sense of that last post, well done. bounty i think sadness is inevitable, most people enter marriage wanting it to work, and if you are treated badly and have to leave, there is also the feeling that you should have been worth more.

Silvery - thanks. I'll live with it a bit before the next hurdle... Which is the biggy. Telling h it's over

GB hi and welcome. I've not read all your threads either but just wanted to add that I too thought there was a lot of pressure on you to act. Over the last 18m I've had 2 or 3 occasions when I thought it was my time to leave but then didn't follow through. On this thread Boone makes you feel bad if it's not the right time yet. Keep lurking and posting when you want. I think it's sadly true that only those of us who have experienced abusive relationships can comprehend how hard it is to go.

Snow - very true about feeling it should have somehow worked. I never ever thought I would end up a divorcee. I too am tired and signing out. Night all

Durr noone makes you feel bad, not Boone (whoever he/she is)

bounty Boon (not sure whether he had a e on the end) was a TV character played by the delightful Michael Elphick, who, in his prime, made me feel far from bad in fact I had quite a crush on him in my 30's.

Hello fellow Vixens [busmile]

Fi lovely lady, I am thinking of you. I am so sorry you are facing such a difficult time. Fingers and everything else crossed for you that all is well xxxx

leclerc, glad you are having a relaxing time, you certainly deserve it.

pony

I heard a new term on another thread which I love - mansplaining [bugrin]

breathe not sure how old dcs are. But he is wrong to have mentioned, let alone chucked in front of them, the separation at them. I am not sure how best to take it from there, except explaining, in an age appropriate way, that yes, you will be separating but their school will be the same, they will still see their friends and you will do your utmost to make sure they are okay. They will already know there is an atmosphere in the house, unless they are tiny, and I think the uncertainty and confusion comes from not knowing what will happen, and the tears undoubtedly were partly because of the manner the issue was raised. He sounds like he was being aggressive and that would upset them, before you even consider what he said.

You are right, the situation would damage them, but your job from here on in is not to waste energy engaging with FWs expectations of you, or indeed them, but focus on making sure your dcs are okay, and you are. Courage. If I remember rightly, your DM was supportive, if it gets nasty, can you take them there for a few days?

I was relatively lucky as FW was bullying DD (though that was not lucky) but she was not sad that we broke up, so if my advice is misplaced, apologies.

Haven't had the chance to catch up reading - only a flying post so as not to be caught out. But there IS an option on fb to have a private group that we can post what we want and nobody else can see it. Just a thought. No "outing" then. I'm on another one for mums of children with SNs.

I'm not quite sure how to set it up, but anyone that is savvy with it could manage it, I'm sure. I'll read more later and post when things are more quiet here.

Don't go onto fb! I'm not allowed and I would miss you all terribly...

I won't do it either, cos of ex FW, all his prying scumbags (GF, family/friends) finding me leering into my life, its really very insecure place to be.

Hi ladies. Hope your Easter was good and fw free.

Sorry I have not been about. I think I caught some odd virus that left me bed ridden for 4 days. Couldn't even brush my teeth without needing a lie down!

On the bright side I have been completely fw free while he looked after dd.

Still waiting for the solicitors to pull their finger out of their backside so I can move.

Hope every one is OK. Will catch up on the thread in a bit.

sorry,didn't think of that re fb. hope everyone is okay.

H crossed what I feel is a huge line again last evening. It seems a small thing, but he threw the remote across the room whilst arguing with me. Not AT me, but by me. Really freaked me out. I've been in a PA relationship previously and throwing was just before hitting. I'm a bit jittery today. he thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion because "I didn't throw it at you, what's the big deal?"

Is it just me?