Dating chat thread! Number 47

[lubeybooby]

Here we go again folks, all dating related chit chat here.

Right got it, ish... I think

I would still give it a go.

I sense you minimising his transgression, you cheeky monkeys, when I'm trying to be all 'No More Shit Nora'. He bloody stopped emailing me for a week when he'd been emailing me daily and being all charming and shit. Hrrrrummmmppphhhhhhhh.

( thanks everyone - love you, mwwwwwahhhhhh )

Hmmm didn't realise it was a week... but I think at this stage as you haven't met yet I'd still give it a go.

Talking of replies finally got one from BC, but we still haven't sorted out a date to meet or anything... haven't asked yet seeing as I don't have any time in the foreseeable when that will be possible...

Have just about caught up with you all...had something of a late night, was out with my schoolmum friends til 4am! My head is none too good this morning.

Western, I will be thinking of you and hope you get a chance to speak to LM later. I know everyone can say what you should do, what he should do, etc, but when you're in the situation you have to go with your own instinct, irrespective of that.

When I had my massively awkward conversation with C this week it was on the back of him saying by text he didn't feel he was being fair to me. I know of course we are at a MUCH MUCH earlier stage than you and LM, so it's very different, but I thought from that he wanted me to end it. When I asked him, he said that he didn't at all, he wanted to keep seeing me, but that he thinks I'm lovely, I should have someone I see every day, who is always there for me, and can do things for me, and he can't give me that. None of that had come from me, it was more him thinking of what he thought I should have, and realising what he couldn't give me.

I don't know if that makes sense, I am horribly hungover but what I'm trying to say I think is this may well be more about LM feeling (possibly because of the depression, his other commitments etc) that he's not enough for you and not able to give you what you deserve...I don't know. I just really hope that you're able to get to a position that you're happy with, whatever that may be.

Scatty well done for going to GP. So pleased Fireman is being there for you. Small steps is the best way. Will be thinking of you too.

Have the urge to go round handing out virtual hugs to everyone who needs one...very unlike me, I am not a huggy person!

Chatting to another one now...fifteen years my junior (I am quite old at 47) but seems nice. Not sure I can really bother with men very young, never had kids and not much relationship history.

Am being mean though as we have some shared interests so will keep emailing him and perhaps see what occurs.

OWW - it sounds to me that he is way too wrapped up in himself. You haven't asked or want anything extreme. Relationships are tricky but to me he seems to be taking you for granted. I hope you have a good talk later and he takes everything on board. If he doesn't, then as much as you like him - is it worth it?

Velvet, really hope C can also get over his issues and give you what you want and need. You deserve no less

I was supposed to have a date last night but cancelled due to weather, hoping to reschedule for tomorrow

Woke up to a naked shot from someone I have been chatting to, followed by huge apologies - drunk apparently. Very nice body though

And after a brief chat with MrCM on weds, he sent more messages yesterday. He is a puzzlement! So approaching him with caution right now. It's a bugger as I really liked him, not willing to blank just yet, just in case

Are you going to be really busy with work Lubey is that why you can't find time to meet up ? ( that was going to be 'time to fit him in' but I decided that was smutty and immature ).

Poor Velvet - hangovers, hideous, hideous things.

Jake just enjoy yourself, have some fun.

OWW sorry to hear that it's all got sticky. I'm on the train eta 10 mins to date now so will just give quick example of what, given the way things are, I think LM should be doing. For various reasons I sometimes stress if someone doesn't text or call me back. My LM had henuine signal problems at home and work which I was skeptical about initially. He sat me down and said "I promise you I will always answer the phone to you if I get the call and I promise I will always answer a text ASAP. And he did.

Feeling terrible, keep crying. I don't want to split up with him but I know it can't carry on like this either, it's driving me round the twist. If he wanted to sort it out he'd have said so or done something, surely? What should I do?

Sorry to keep banging on, really sorry.

What on earth are you apologising for, petal ? You know that you can say whatever you want on here and we'll support you.

So you've not heard from him yet ?

You're not banging on. What you're going to do is talk to him properly whenever that is. You love being with him - when you're not with him you're not happy. The two of you need to talk about that and work out what is going to happen.

Good luck Juliette!

OWW stop apologising. That's what we're here for. It's proper shitty feeling like that, we've all been there at some point.

When something similar happened to me, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I swear to god. This man is not good for you. I worry about you, because he's fucking with your head.

God, Miranda I hope you're going to be around to give me sensible advice when I inevitably have one of my wobbles, you're very good.

My story is too long to post on here. It was slightly different to yours, because he was emotionally abusive. It broke my heart. But I tell you something, I would never put up with such horrible dismissive behaviour again.

It should be fun and make your heart beat faster. But your heart is always beating fast for the wrong reasons x

It's always easier to be sensible when its not you in the situation . Maybe a bit of the stuff I learned when I had CBT has stuck as well though.

Oh aye, you should hear some of the advice I dish out at work, still, your advice always strikes me as terribly measured and rational.

You alright OWW ?

OWW of course you don't want to break up with him like I was saying about the natural reaction to want to get away from the emotional pain of that. But accepting shit is only a short term fix until you have this pain again next time he messes you about.

I honestly think it should happen sooner rather than later - otherwise you stand to be driven insane like this long term, until you are ground down enough to accept the shite he is offering. Ok, you don't have to give me anything I want after all. Ok yes we can just be fwb. Yes, you can see other women too. Yes it's fine if you only want to see me once a year. See where this is going?

It's not good :(

Breaking up is never going to be a nice thing and it won't feel good at first. But you are not happy, have only been happy for brief moments compared to the shite, and you have asked for what you need, and he is unable to give it. Any of it.

Get out now before you find yourself accepting that spiral of nothingness and before he thinks he can do whatever he likes and you'll just be fine with it.

I'm sorry, I really am, but I can't be like ike and the others who say do it when you are ready - I think life is too short for this bollocks and it's better to rip the plaster off quickly rather than slow.

Before any more of your precious time is wasted and before you get ground down.

Haven't heard back yet, he said he would be in touch once he's sorted out about his children to see if he can come over.

I think he is just looking to finish it with me. Feeling a bit sick and ill, everything has gone to pot here, children still not dressed. Shit he's just texted.

Okay he can meet tonight - I think him coming to mine would be best rather than going out but the children will be here upstairs, but I don't want to meet in a pub, too public for this type of conversation. Nothing reassuring from him just asking where do I want to meet, no kisses, nothing else. Oh fuck I know this is just going to end up with us splitting up. I really can't bear the thought of never seeing him again, I just can't.

What shall I say, just dead factual about where to meet or that I hope we can work things out?

I think I'd be factual about it - if you mention something about hoping you can work things out and he then doesn't mention it, you're going to feel worse.

Just be factual, OWW because if you say something else and he doesn't respond in kind, you'll feel even worse.

You can bear it oww, I promise you, because he isn't who you thought he was.

You can't bear the thought of splitting with the person he gave the impression he was. But that isn't him is it?

This man is not lovely. Far from it. He can act like that for a day sometimes but it seems to exhaust him and he goes back to shittest bf ever.

and yes definitely factual

I really hope you get angry about this before you see him rather than emotional. Please, please stop accepting this treatment.

You have given so much, so consistently and got zilch back.

Steps out of lurking...

Oww, I think for me that stands out the most about LM is that when you say you are not happy with something, he doesn't seem to make any suggestions about how that can be changed/improved. His stock response or behaviour seems to be, 'Right, looks like you want to finish it then?' which tells me his whole attitude is 'take me as I am, if you don't like it then you know what to do'. I am VERY familiar with this type of behaviour...Initially the good times outweigh the bad times, but soon they dont because you will NEVER ever feel like things get resolved, you will always go round and round in circles. He knows what he is doing, he wants you to run after him.

Meet him where you feel comfortable...but the way he treats you makes me feel so uncomfortable and because you are such a lovely lady I know you deserve more.

[goes back into lurk mode]

OWW, I'm more in the let him go camp if that is what he is suggesting. I hope it isn't and he steps up but if not you cannot keep feeling the way you have been right from the beginning as far as I can see. You have too much emotionally invested in someone who doesn't seem to want the kind of relationship that you want and deserve. Quite rightly so as you have be seeing each other a while and proper relationships have to move on to grow.

I kept saying that you and LM sound similar to me and my recent ex. Except he always kept in touch daily and I never had to chase. He was making me miserable as soon as I left his house because he didn't want a proper relationship with me so I got out. It was hard and I did post now and again about how much I missed him etc and got some excellent advice and support.

I might have a date next weekend. We have progressed onto the dreaded FB now and he wants to ring me. I've haven't met him yet and don't want an awkward phone conversation so have said no, will chat when we meet. Am I being unreasonable to think that if this has put him off I've had a lucky escape and a nice guy wouldn't be put off. I'm not sure it has put him off yet.