Dating chat thread! Number 47

[lubeybooby]

Here we go again folks, all dating related chit chat here.

Well I think that despite him saying several times that he wants a serious relationship with me and loves me, that isn't actually true.

I could understand his attitude if I'd suggested moving in or getting married or something that was a real game changer, but all I said was to see each other more often than once a week. Not really anything radical, more than normal I would have thought for most relationships. If he just wants what is essentially a weekly fwb set up then that is not for me.

Feels really shit. I feel very stupid.

No probs..bear in mind I have no idea how either of you represent yourselves when you meet to talk. Also these types of relationships and cycles can be addictive.

I hated it personally and it turned me into someone I did not recognise....I am better off out of it...but some good things did come from it..like a renewal of my love of film, japanese food and a sense of fun too!

So if it does end, your relationship with LM will have served a very good purpose I am sure a further transition into life away from your exH and independence. Anyway cuddle up, try to sleep..speak soon. x

Its difficult, I hear what you are saying OWW and who knows you may be right. I know when I was extremely busy last year with col work..TR started putting pressure on me to meet up more often...this was stressful and it felt like he did not understand or empathise. I dont think you are doing what hed did but I suppose I can see how someone if under alot of stress may be tempted to take the easy route of pushing their other half away.

Didn't work!

It sounds very much like he's finished with you in quite a cowardly way OWW.

Ok then I'll say a wee bit more.

I really think you should just get the pain over and done with and walk away from this now. Otherwise it's going to drag on for years until him ignoring you for only a week instead of a day will feel like love... you know? You're being ground down to accept less and less.

I know you've tried not to and have stood your ground saying you want/deserve more, but because you love him and keep talking yourself round about it all, there are no consequences for him when he then does absolutely nothing to apologise, rectify it, try harder, etc.

It's not going to change is it?

Just because some times are good, doesn't make it right. This shouldn't be happening at all, you should be in no doubt, and it isn't you so please don't tell yourself it is.

It's not going to be pleasant or feel good or be easy to break off - but it needs doing before this drags out the pain and the rollercoaster even longer.

What I dont think you should do is see yourself as stupid, you are certainly not that...and punishing yourself is unfair. Someone will be along in the morning with more decisive advice ...I can meander at times and sit on the fence... Basically listen to your gut...but ignore the self flagellation.

Sorry should elaborate a bit more here too...

I don;t mean to seem like there's any blame on you here OWW, when I say because you love him there are no consquences, what I mean is:

Because you love him it makes it horrible and painful when it seems like the end is looming. Your brain naturally wants to escape emotional pain, and so will take the short term fix of forgiving the behaviour over the longer term fix of cutting the crap from your life completely, which will take a while before it feels good.

It's a natural reaction. Very hard to rally against. But rally you must now, i think.

Lubes is right you know OWW ...but I think you need to come to the conclusion yourself and sometimes that can take a while...it did with TR and in the end it wasnt as painful as I thought...

You will honestly get so fed up of the miserable bits that your love will be eroded anyway and your respect for him will dwindle so the 'fun' times begin to seem more shallow and hollow....in my experience anyway.

Well, I've managed to get a bit of sleep.

You're all right, this is no good for me at all. Feeling very sad and yes I do feel like a fool for being taken in by it all. No idea why he'd say things to me if they weren't true.

Morning petal, you ok ?

You do need to talk to him and you will do that later. The only thing seems to be Little Friend. But given his depression which can alter your perceptions of what is happening he could have interpreted what you were saying as you finishing with him and hence saying it was better for you? But none of us can know what's going on - only you and him. Will be thinking of you

Well I don't know what is going on either really. This was all a bit out of the blue. Have looked at my texts again and I've not said anything that sounds pissed or too demanding or anything. Everything was lovely on Thursday when I saw him and now what a mess. Can't understand it except that he has been stringing me along.

From what you posted I think it could be interpreted that you are trying to finish with him. Which I don't think is what you want but I agree that you should be able to see him more and that Little Friend should not (and not appear to either) be coming ahead of you in being able to see LM

I think Miranda has it right, OWW, that plus you told him to ignore anything you said after 8. You do need to talk to him properly later on today, was it WFF who said in her dating rules, 'stop doing it if it's not fun anymore' ? . I think you should completely disregard what's best for LM and consider what's best for you, if you spend more time being unhappy than being happy, then you need to end it.

Whatever you want to do, we will all be around to support you

Well, when I see him it's wonderful or so I thought. But when we are apart I hate the lack of contact, the fact that he ignores my texts, the feeling that I'm always making the running with him. That's not fun at all. All I want is to see more of him and to feel like I'm an important part of his life. If he won't give me those things then I don't want to carry on with it.

OWW, I'm sorry that things went so wrong yesterday evening and that you've been feeling bad all night. I agree with what Miranda and Kin have said this morning.

I think it's so difficult for you because, as you say, when you're with LM, things are great - and so obviously you don't want to throw that away. But when you're not together, it's really diffficult for you.

I think you've mentioned before how when you don't see each other for a few days, you start getting a bit worried/anxious, etc - and I can totally understand that, as I get like that too.

BUT the thing that worries me is that LM could help you with that by texting you more, arranging to see you more, just generally being in contact more, and certainly by putting you in front of Little Friend. And it worries me that you've had these kinds of conversations before, and he doesn't really appear to have changed. I understand he's busy at the moment ... but, as we all know, how long does it take to send a text? (Has he explained why he hasn't been replying to your texts much?)

I hope you can talk to him today... I'll be thinking about you.

That's entirely understandable OWW but I think Bant said earlier about the male approach to things, LM might not have been aware that there's a problem, he might have assumed everything's ok as you have such a good time together.
Don't be overthinking things before you even see him, it's very easy to convince yourself that everything's wrong and that will only give you hours of stress and fretting that you don't need.

OWW I've just read the thread from where I went out yesterday and for what it's worth, here's my view.

He hasn't finished with you, I think it sounds like you were both calling each others bluff a bit and he's replied with a bit of a 'well if that's you feel then, we better do that'. So, I don't think it's finished unless you decide today it's going to be.

I don't think he answered your calls or engaged in conversation and said let's speak tomorrow because you told him to ignore all texts after 8pm. He took you at your word, probably was a worried he may get a drunken rant if he called or answered the phone. So again, I don't think he was being deliberately hurtful, but probably didn't want to engage in a drunken, is it all over telephone conversation, a bit cowardly but not a crime.

Finally, although you have told us all what you want from a relationship, you haven't until your text last night, really spelled it out to him. Because of the shop opening etc etc you have decided to leave that conversation and then on Thursday, got distracted again, probably didn't want to spoil the lovely time you were having, and didn't have the 'chat' then.

I think the time has come, where there will always be a reason not to have the serious chat and you just have to bite the bullet and say what you want from the relationship, because what you have at the moment is only making you happy when you are with him, and not when you are apart.

You aren't asking for anything extraordinary, to see him more than once a week, for him to answer texts and calls, because that matter to you and to put you a bit higher up his list of priorities.

The last time you had a serious conversation with him, was about feelings and what he felt about you and you wanted to know it wasn't one sided, he stepped up to the plate and gave and does give you that reassurance.

Have the serious face to face conversation about what you want from him, no holds barred and let him decide if can and wants to be that person. If he does, then great, give him a chance to put the words into actions and if not, then you really will know what you have to do.

You are not stupid, far from it, you have come from an abusive relationship and now know what you want and what you will accept and what you won't. That is HUGE progress. He said he loves you, because he does, it was such a big thing for him to say there is no way it won't be true. You just need more than the words, and that is completely normal.

Please please don't be hard on yourself, you haven't been played or taken for a fool, you are a lovely lady who is trying to put the foundations in place for a relationship that will give you what you want and need and that is an admirable and strong thing to do. Lots and lots of luck.

I'm going to come out of lurkdom to say this. I've been following the thread for yonks.

Western, you are lovely, I think its clear you have a hard time with this relationship. It does seem from the outside that its more bad times than good. It does seem that he doesnt care too much. But then, we don't know how much you have communicated with him about your needs. I would think if you have to get drunk to say whats bothering you, that you don't feel secure in yourself, what you want or the relationship and none of that is good.

I think that this isn't the man for you. Its not meant to be this hard. Only a week ago you were having a talk about him being on dating sites, you admit to looking on them. He ignores texts, you get worked up. Its not meant to be this hard.

You have said to him about what you want, and he hasn't listened or changed bar making the right noises at the right time. Stop listening to what he says and start looking at his actions.

There is no shame in a relationship not being successful. Its never pleasant to end something, but sometimes that is the best option.

Thank you all so much.

The thing is, what I'm asking for is such basic stuff. I can't see why it should even need saying that I'd like him to reply to a text asking if he'd like to see me. And if he was really in love with me then surely he'd want to see me more and prioritise me over his friend? These are things that shouldn't even need to be talked about, they should just be there as part of treating someone you love with consideration and respect.

No, they shouldn't need to be talked about. You are right, it should just happen.
For some reason it isn't with him, which i would take as a sign that its not working for both of you, You shouldn't have to nag him into seeing you.

I cannot remember, but at the start,when you first met, didn't he say something about not being ready for a relationship? then you met, talked about it, and because you liked each other decided to see how it went.

If that was the case, maybe he just wasn't ready and cant give enough of himself right now. It not being a slur on you, but just where he is at right now.

OWW it is basic stuff, you have a complete right to expect to be treated with respect and be prioritised ( and for what it's worth, I think to have come from an abusive relationship and to have recovered to the extent that you know how you should be treated, shows how brilliantly you've done ) I just don't believe you should extrapolate that you've been 'strung along' and that LM doesn't love you, from the situation as it stands at the moment.

And on an entirely inconsequential and self indulgent note, still no word from Mr Showbiz who was, fricking typically, the man I'd been most looking forward to meeting ( we'd arranged to have lunch a week on Thursday when I'm back oop north ). I've been mithering about asking if he's changed his mind and have emailed him this morning. Why's it all have to be so bloody hard ? It's not fair

Well he's got his children at the moment but will call later once he's sorted out and will hopefully come over so we can have a talk.

Don't know what will happen here but I don't feel very good about it.