At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

[Singlesupplement]

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

Blimey, I wouldn't wish my xh on any of you.

My single friend has no interest in meeting a man. Still, I do find that we understand each other well. It's like there's this whole shorthand, unspoken, and I know she gets my angle on things. Most of my friends are in couples and that's not an issue.

yes, spero, I don't want to get burnt out and become cynical, so i'm channelling my energies into new job, new house, going out more, i have a few other projects up my sleeve. i'm afraid i wouldn't have the stamina for years of internet dating. I would bail if it starts to make me cynical or if I feel like I hate men! cos, my xh was an absolute sociopath, but he was only ever one man, nto the ambassador for men, but if I went on thirty dates with thirty chancers, it'd be hard not to let it affect your view of men I think.

Can I join this thread? 33 and single since c.2006 for no obvious reason (credentials). Totally agree with whoever commented on the steady loneliness that you only notice from time to time.

It may not be a 'need' per se, but surely love and sex and pair bonding etc is a very strong and basic drive in a lot of people - I know not everyone - and not being able to find it is kind of like starving. Though entirely take spero's point about that relationships can be very bad, it is still wearying.

I think it is so interesting that when at legal dinners I (drunkenly) quiz elderly judges about their lives, they uniformly tell me how much they value their wives who almost universally of that generation gave up their own careers to support children and husband. When I speak with the (much fewer) numbers of senior female lawyers they tell a different tale. A lot are divorced.

I agree with SGB that long term relationships tend to benefit men much more. I think a lot of compromise is needed from both partners to make it work long term. Why I deal with so many relationships in distress is that one partner - usually the man - wont compromise.

I think humans crave connections. I don't accept this is limited to male/female bonding, but I accept that is a strong example of such a connection.

Both I and my DB1 are married to very high maintenance spouses and we hsve 2 sons each. All primary school aged. Both our ds1s have SN and although we lkve yhem are bloody tiring. DB2 who is 40 something but single and childless craves our lifestyles. ...and we crave his. Make the most of what you have. The grass is always greener.

OP, I really sympathise, and I think the clue may be in what you say about you not having degree yet being clever which confuses people. I find that it's VERY difficult to find a partner if you don't fall into a certain type socially, it's really weird but seems to be true, especially in the UK. When people are baffled as to how to pigeon-hole you, and with this you are also a very strong personality - as you sound to be - they start feeling this irrational caution.

The more straight-forward and predictable, the more men feel brave. By predictable I don't mean boring at all! just that the woman falls into a social group which a man identifies with. It's sad! There are open-minded men but not many, and then you have to also have chemistry.

I genuinely think that men are intimidated by you, OP, while you wouldn't look at submissive ones who may really be attracted. Just a theory of course.

Flutter, that is entirely possible. And no, i wouldnt look at the more submissive ones. Thats not to say i havent tried, i have. It just doesnt work.

The pigeon hole thing, there might be something in that, though i doubt regarding a degree (.for people know unless they ask) but in the whole ' being a single mother' thing. People do automatically make assumptions then get confused when you dont fit into them.I expect that is true for a lot of people.

Spero, i will always agree a man gets more out of marriage. And i agree with most you say.

However, i dont want to get married,i just want a boyfriend. And someone to care who isnt a blood relation. Its an inate want.

I was going to say need. But need isnt the right word. I would say for a lot of long term singles, its not because of social conditioning, needing a man to feel complete or take the bins out (!!!) . But just because the love of a member of the opposite sex is nice..sex is nice. A cuddle is nice. Someone to talk to about something and nothing, is nice.

Just thinking out loud, i now have a ' less impressive ' job due to a series of unfortunate events. I would say it seems to have had a positive effect on dating, despite me being mildly embarassed. Whether this is to do with pigeon holes,
Pre conceptions or just some mens need to be provider, who knows.

Totally spero and Singlesupplement. Despite their faux whinging, marriage does benefit men more! All but the most progressive couples, the woman still does more than 50% of the housework, jeopardises, interrupts or winds down her career to suit 'the family' as a whole. If she works, arranging childcare still seems to be the mother's responsibility. I see this over and over. I literally wait to see an exception!

willyoulistentome you misunderstand. I've been in an unhappy marriage, and I've been single for a long time. Now, because I like life and what it has to offer, I want to experience a happy relationship. That is NOT an 'inability' to appreciate what I've got. I do. I'm a happy person. I don't walk around thinking about it all the time either. The only times I think about it really are when I'm on this thread! But yes, I would like to meet somebody.

I do thnk we need to value other relationships as much as couplehood. That's what the whole jon clubs/evening classes thing is really about, for someone who is lacking adult company (ie moved to new area or whatever). People do need to connect with other people, only a very very few can cope with little or no friendly contact on a longterm basis - it's just that we are socialised, particularly women, to prioritise couplehood because it benefits men so much.

I did shudder slightly over the Hannah Betts article, as it brought back my recurring fears of a few years ago when DS was very small - I moved with him to a new area, didn't really know the neighbours and had no friends nearby - I spoke to my mother on the phone about once a week and DS' dad from time to time, though later he started visiting twice a week- and I used to worry that I might fall down the stairs and break my neck or die in my sleep, and then what would become of my baby? Would a neighbour hear his screams before he starved to death?
Now DS is 8 and knows that if ever there is an emergency he should either phone his dad or knock on neighbours' doors for help so I don't have those nightmares any more. I still have no interest in dating and don't feel that my singleness is any kind of lack or fault; for about 20 years I have considered myself single though had some casual FWB arrangements during the time.

It never ceases to amaze me that people think that single mums must be somehow doing something "wrong" if they are not finding a bloke. They should join clubs, get out more, lower their standards, not judge minging photos, be more cheerful, have better self-esteem etc etc etc. What a load of rubbish. The bit that particularly grates is the lowering of standards.

Most single mums are hugely competent. In many cases they have been left high & dry by their partners & have worked their butts off to ensure that the children they had together are well looked after, educated, well fed, happy etc. Many hold down jobs too & do the work of two parents all by them selves without constant whining & whinging. Why the hell should amazing women lower their standards? I would never say to either of my children - "darlings, lower your standards when seeking a partner - being with someone rubbish, is better than being alone".

Bloody hell!!!!!!

I would much rather my friends said "do you know what, it is really hard to find someone you want to be with, but in the meantime we're here for you" - fortunately, I have good friends and most of them do say that.

Yes, I really value my family and my friends. I only have a couple of close friends though, luckily one is single too.

I left one tosser, I'm not taking on somebody else's. However, the tosser I left is six foot one, dark, handsome, successful, he has a degree and an masters and if you meet him on line, you will think all your christmases have come at once. I am so canny this time around. I will not let bullshit like 'tall' or 'professional' cloud my judgement.

I did go out with one man for a short while and he was a nice man. All my friends kept telling me (basically) that I didn't fancy him. Or when I expressed doubts, they would put words into my mouth to the effect of my not fancying him. I never said that. The problem was that he wasn't good enough company for me, that compatability wasn't there in the end.

So, on other threads I'm sure I've seen lots of tall girls saying that so and so was lovely but far too short for them. Well tall ladies, I will take those short men off your hands!! As long as they're not bitter from years of having been ignored by women (tall and short)

I have every reason to be bitter but I'm not! I want the male equivalent of me! how farking arrogant is that!?!?

SGB, I think it's also the way the week is structured that makes me want company at the weekend. Not much I can do about that though. I am fine monday to friday, and then when everybody cheerily says 'see you Monday' on Friday. That's when I feel a bit isolated. I do socialise with friends but it's not every weekend.

Spero jyst thinking about those stats that 45% of marriages end in divorce and 20% of the marriages left are endured rather than enjoyed.... but i think most people on this thread arent focused on marriage only, and two crucially we are not the types to endure a miserable relationship. hope that makes sense of why we want a relationship despite the stats!! apologies for saying "we" and talking on behalf of other posters!

I am not focusing on marriage but the search for long term relationships which must be akin to marriage. If you want the cuddles and chit chat that implies a level of intimacy and a level of shared living - yes, you don't have to be married or even living together full time to enjoy that but you must be willing to intertwine your lives to some extent ... And that WILL involve compromise.

I suppose all I am trying to say is that I suspect there is some degree of idealisation about ltr. The kisses, cuddles and sex always come at a price. And sometimes that price is well worth paying, sometimes - and more often for women - it is not.

The statistic about 45% marriages ending on divorce is the most recent statistic - I was tweeted it by one of my family law contacts. But it's actually fallen since the last one which was 48% I think.

The 20% of enduring marriages being unhappy is just my educated guess on what I read here and see in rl. It could be lower or maybe even higher!

I just think it is sad that we are pressured into just one way of enjoying human contact when I think there are many worth exploring. And I think the positives about ltr are trumpeted way too loudly over the potential downsides.

You're convincing me spero

I still do get lonely though ... can empathise with another poster who said her heart sinks at "See you Monday!"

Expense is another biggie. It'll cost me over £4000 to have a DC and then goodness knows what to keep him/her in nursery!

I used to find weekends hard too - but I agree with SGB - it was the lack of any human contact that hurt, but because this was in my late 20s/ early 30s most of my friends were coupled up,and it was the 'rules' that weekends were for couples and couples dinner parties etc. I should save got off my arse a bit more and invited single friends over or organised myself to go out an do something I enjoyed. I was in London so had no excuse really.

I think I was so caught up in the tyranny of the couple I would end up moping a lot at home, somehow thinking I didn't have the 'right' to go out and try to connect with people,or enjoy the connections I had.

There seem to be more 'friendship' sites setting up - maybe those are worth a try? Then you haven't got all the awful pressure of trying to 'click' with someone and hopefully you will weed out the terminal shaggers. And if you widen your circle of friends, they might know people you might click with...

Nursery fees are HUGE. But it's not forever and you can get to meet other parents, do babysit swops etc. but unless you are earning a fantastic wage your social life will take a hit I am afraid. It's not just cost - you will be too knackered most of the time.

But the upside is you do get to make one of the potentially most fantastic connections of your life - and you will be weeping for those weekends of simple piece and quiet, with only yourself to attend to!

The tyrany of the couple is what made me sleep walk into and stay in a shit relationship for too long. But now I don't want to conform, It's not about appearances anymore.

But despite what I've written here in the last few days, I have a few things going on in the next 3 -6 months. I wouldn't say "who knows?!" with an inane grin, but I will be busy. There are thngs I want more ! And I'm going to sort out those first.

o ditto, ditto, ditto.

From about 27 years, most of my friends were getting married. Don't tell me they were all miraculously finding their soul mates at roughly the same time - it was just 'time' to settle down so whoever they were going out with at the time they married.

Most are still intact but I am not sure about the quality of the relationships. I see a lot of bickering, a lot of comtempt openly expressed by both to each other in my presence which I find very embarrassing. I wonder how many stay together just because they couldn't afford to split up, or at least they couldn't afford their present lifestyles.

But I don't want to sound bitter and jealous - just realistic. My experiements with on line dating show that my 'worth' on the Sexual Market Place is almost zero so I wouldn't put myself though that. But it doesn't mean I am not open or hopeful that I might one day meet some and we would 'click' and enjoy each other's company. But I am not going to put all my energies into chasing something which I know won't guarrantee me a happy or full life, I have got to sort that out for myself.

Yes. I see the same. My closest friends do actually have good relationships but I smell a bad one from five hundred metres, I know what it smells like!

Joining this thread a bit late but I'm a single parent and I've been on my own for seven years, since I was 4 months pregnant. DS's dad chose not to be involved with him so I hardly get any time to myself to socialise, apart from the odd occasion he stays overnight with my parents. I'm kind of used to being by myself now and think I'd find it hard to compromise in a ltr - I could absolutely never bear to give up my independence, especially financial. I enjoy my own company, which is just as well .That said, it would be nice to meet someone I get on with, to go out occasionally with another adult, or stay in and watch crap films, to put the world to rights, be each other's special someone. I get lots of hugs and 'I love yours' from DS, but we all know it's not the same as it is from another adult.

Like many on here I've tried internet dating, although not for a few years. I became so sick of halfwits sending me suggestive messages in text speak, and jaded by the lack of compatibility I had with those I met up with. The men at work are, in the main, married with kids, although that didn't stop one of them propositioning me a few years back .

My friends are all married and don't want to go out - not even for my 40th last year . They have very short memories imo - one friend in particular I used to spend lots of time with when DS was young, as she was single and admitted to being lonely. All she wanted was to settle down and have a family. The minute she met her now DH, I was dropped like a hot potato and now we only meet once every few months. Neither she nor my other friends ever acknowledge that I might still feel lonely, like they used to. However, I wouldn't want to be in any of their marriages. Not one.

So where to go from here? Who knows.

Miserable gits not to go out on your birthday.

I know Spero. Apparently one couldn't leave the house until the kids were asleep, which would be around 9pm, so that was that. I got the impression they were glad to have an excuse not to go out because in the run up there was one whinge after another - don't pick such and such a day, don't pick an indian restaurant as I don't like curry etc. I went out with DS and my parents to a local place instead, and guess what? My mother moaned about the food at the place I picked, ffs . I'm still annoyed by it all, tbh. I mean, I'm never going to be 40 again, am I? It was a total let down

Will stop thread hijacking now.

No it's all part of the general theme - the importance of connections and why we get hi jacked by the tyranny of relationships.

So sad that people won't come out to celebrate a milestone birthday but I see a lot of this - often because one person is coupled up with a misery guts who won't go out and makes the other partner feel bad about wanting to.