At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

[Singlesupplement]

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

[GoatsDoRoam]

At what point do you just accept you are single and that's the way its going to stay?

I think there are two parts to this question: "At what point to you accept you are single?" The answer is: "Now." If you are single, you are single. (Where "single" does NOT mean "a half-being waiting to be completed by another.") It's just a description of reality, not a stigma.

The bit that bothers me is "...and that's the way it's going to stay".
Why does the future matter so much? Are you happy NOW? If you're not, then change the things you can change, don't focus on something you can't control, such as the likelihood of meeting a decent and attractive (to you) person who is also attracted to you right back.

I have really come to believe that focusing so much on the lack of a relationship is actually a distraction from focusing on other aspects of one's life that we are unhappy with, but failing to tackle. The good news is that those are the things that we CAN control: what job we're in, how meaningfully we spend our time, etc... Those are all things that are maybe difficult to change when they're going wrong (so we latch onto the thought of a romantic partner bringing happiness into our life instead), but also guaranteed to make us feel happy and fulfilled when we get them right.

If you're unhappy about something you can't control, then look instead at the things that you CAN control: are you really just shifting unhappiness about something else, that's in fact more concrete and manageable (but maybe just a little bit scary to tackle) ?

[Angelissima007]

I am so glad this thread has re-surfaced, I also spent all weekend reading it, in tears most of the time, agreeing with everything, and realising that this is my lot.

This will be my 6th summer alone, In that time, I too have seen people divorce, deal with fallout, find partners, marry and have children. I am 48 and I have an older friend who only got divorced 2 years ago, very, very messy, she is now dating a very nice man she met on line, he is a very successful architect, her ex husband was a very successful solicitor….I cant even get one date with anyone on line.

Its so disheartening, and I empathise with all on here,

Its really difficult coming to terms with this life that I haven’t chosen and seeing no way of it ever changing.

[bibliomania]

Hi OP, I was on here two years ago to say that I was in a similar position - and I still am. Six years single as of next month. I've just de-regged from the OLD site I was on as the (meagre) results didn't justify the effort.

I do get bogged down from time to time in "What's the matter with me?" self-pity, and that's why it's consoling to see threads like these. I'm clearly not the only one.

It's good to be able to concentrate on my dd, but sometimes I worry I'm using her for company in a way that's more about my needs than hers. Or that I use her as an excuse not to go out and find a functional relationship (as if it were that easy! I didn't have all that much success back when I was childfree)

There are lots of good things about being single and I make the most of it (work, study, activities) but all the same, I miss sex, company and another income, and maybe the prospect of another child.

[GhettoFabulous]

I think many people fail at online dating because their profiles and messages are dire. Bland, generic lists of things, and Hi, how are you, want to chat? type messages. A man I briefly dated told me that most of the women he looked at endlessly talked about being a mum and had no personality other than that.

I'm a poly kinkster in her forties with a live in partner, couldn't be more niche if I tried, and I get messages every day. It's the way you tell 'em.

I'm a massive pain in the arse in real though.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

I'm in my mid-fifties, have been single for 13 years, had one brief "relationship" in that time with someone who wanted to be looked after by a mother/housekeeper/cook etc.

I live in a place where we don't even have OD.

In any case I have social anxiety so would die of fright at the prospect.

Do I win?

[Dowser]

As soon as the ink was dry on my divorce I went on to online dating.

Met my man 10 weeks later and we get married this year after 7 years together.

( he was only the second date I had)

I was 56 and he 55.

We are very happy. I'm happier than I was with my first husband.

Up to my divorce I kept my ears and eyes open but even though I had a great time I never got one date.

Obviously, I had to wait till my man became free.

Look at it that way ladies. Your man is out there, he just doesn't know it yet.

Come back in ten years and let us know how you are all doing.


I wrote a list of what I wanted and I got exactly that!

[Dowser]

Sorry, the list wasn't on the website.

That was my personal list .

[MadeMan]

I'm currently single and generally happy with it most of the time, but the other night whilst driving home in the dark from a friend's house I had a moment when I found myself thinking, "It would be nice to have a woman with me in the car now to go and get fish and chips with."

[springydaffs]

Dowser - happy for you and all... but is this the place? Perhaps you could pop along to the TTC board and tell them how you got pg in a blink. See how that goes down.

[DrSethHazlittMD]

I've been single five years, haven't had a date in three and a half. I get incredibly lonely. I am out most nights, have loads of friends, do plenty of things but never meet anyone who is single. Be nice to have someone to go on a holiday with, someone to come home to at night eventually and not wake up on my own every morning.

Online dating a complete washout. Thought perhaps it was me but must be the area as I have one friend who is attractive, interesting, outgoing and she has now been single over eight years and she had very few dates via online dating either.

[TC68]

I am nearly 50 and although I have dated a few men it never lasts - they go quiet and I find out they are with someone else which makes me feel I am not good enough - its very upsetting. I have watched friends meet new partners and move in with them - get married but for me life has stopped and it is such a lonely existence. I have resigned myself that I was born to be alone - even my father said " you are not very good at relationships"

[jimmyjammy001]

You won't have much luck with single blokes without kids as from their point of view they are looking for a women at the same stage of life as them self's, not married, no kids e.t.c they are likely to treat it as a bit of fun which thy the sounds of it you are experiencing.

You have said it yourself you are not available weeknights due to childcare babysitting issues, dating is about going out on a weeknight having a meal and a few drinks afterwards with no time restraints, not having to leave at half 7 to relief the babysitter, go put your children to bed or get them ready for school next day. No bloke wants that hassle in a relationship, which is probs why they are avoiding you. That and weekends away would be non existent, nights out to special events would again depend on babysitting arrangements. Holidays to family friendly places as a single bloke? Noooo thankyou, couldn't imagine anythink worse than a Butlins type place in the summer holidays and looking long term living in a house with someone else's children ruining about the place screaming the place down, again no thankyou, then there's likely to be ex dramas. I could go on and on but you probably get the picture by now. Single Dad's may be more accepting to that idea as they are on the same boat say to speak.

[TC68]

the trouble is I don't want a relationship with someone that has dependent children - the expense it brings and acceptance issues - as you get older you become more selective and so used to doing things on your own - It does not surprise me that i scare men off or seem disinterested as sometimes it just all seems to be too much hard work

[Milomonster]

I’ve been asking myself this. 3 years post-divorce. I think the issue is that the men on OLD are such poor quality. So, I resolve myself with that. I’m highly educated, great job, well-travelled, look pretty ok for my age (get many compliments), have got my shit together (not trying to be boastful). I do get teary walking around thinking this is it and it’s very hard to come to terms with being alone.

[TC68]

I feel the sane Milomonster and like you have so much to offer - good job, home, look after myself, exercise, well presented, educated - and not to be nasty but you look at some people and wonder how they ever got the whole package. Someone said to me that some men feel intimidated by what appears strong single women and attractive women but surely they dont want to be with someone that does not care about themselves ? I have just been dumped by a man after 6 months of what I thought was a blossoming relationship - I don't think I can put myself out there again as it has really hurt and have lost my faith in it all

[BertramLacey]

Zombie thread from 2013. The OP may have met someone and had several more children by now.