At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

[Singlesupplement]

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

I think where being lonely is concerned the issue is that people tend to confuse "I am lonely" with "I am bored" - hence advice, well-meaning certainly, about joining clubs, voluntary work and zumba.

I'm never really bored. I have a demanding full time job, I have a house and garden to maintain, I have a good level of income to indulge my main hobbies of reading, horse-riding and theatre. I can always find SOMETHING to do.

But it would be nice to do those things with somebody.

Porridge, agreed. rarely bored. In fact, rarely lonely. Im not bothered being on my own.

But in the same respect, i am also very very lonely.

If that makes any sense at all.

Yes, it does. I think for me, the loneliness is something that's always there, it lives in me so I don't notice it generally, in much the same way that someone who was blind since birth wouldn't know what they were missing. Occasionally though I see an insight as to what life could be like, like a door that opens then closes before I get a good chance to look inside.

I wonder if what might help is getting more friends who are single themselves? Not in the sense of turning them into partners, but as a way of having adult company for weekends (when, apparently, it's hard for the non-coupled to find anyone to socialise with) - and also, if you only hang out with mundanes people who are paired off and consider that couplehood is the normal way for an adult to live, you can get tired of being treated like the Weird One.

I am 48 and single: while I have had relationships in the past (the last one was about 10 years ago) I have never married or lived with a romantic partner. I'm not looking, though; I'm not interested. I am on good, friendly terms with my DS' father who is usually willing and able to look after DS when I want to go out, and I have friends who are a mixture of coupled-up, single-and-looking and happily single. Because my interests are not very mainstream, I've always hung out with non-mainstream people, and it was only in the toddler-group era that I found myself in a position of being made aware that I was 'odd'. The idea that a woman who is not In A Relationship is a freak or a failure is pervasive, and it might actually help to remember that this propaganda is actually artificial and harmful. The pressure on women to seek out and stay in relationships with men is for men's benefit, not women's. Being single is terrific

Or train with me to be a family lawyer. Having seen the utter devastation wreaked within relationships by cruelty, selfishness and fear I have not idealised relationships for a long time.

I dont think im odd at all. im quite happy with how i am. I dont feel judged at all. Or anyone that does judge me is not worth my time.

I don't think I do idealise it, Spero, but like I keep saying to you being single has its drawbacks and its problems as well as being in relationships sometimes do.

If I idealised being in a relationship, I'd be in a relationship, with someone I didn't care about, for the sake of it. I'm not. I have a nice life, thank you very much :) I am successful, happy and sociable. I am also planning to have a baby as a single lady. But I do wish I had experienced love, sex and marriage as well. That's normal :)

SolidGoldBrass - love reading your posts. I would just alter though that last sentence - being single CAN be terrific. Other times, it can be a bit of a pain in the arse. I'd like to meet more single friends but it isn't just men I find who are taken - it's women too.

But if any of you live in South Staffs and fancy a coffee let me know. I'll even babysit - I love kids

I think that fate is cruel because when you do all the right things and try to meet someone, you don't. Well I never did. Of the handful of partners I've had, including my now husband, all of them were met at a time when it was the last thing on my mind and where I'd made no effort at all.

Agreed again, if it was all about being in a relationship, we would just be with anyone for the sake of it. Its not, so we arent.

Being single is great, i wouldnt swap it for being with someone awful, or even being in a bad relationship, i know the devestation that can cause.

But being with someone can also be a beautiful thing. Its that i want, and theres nothing wrong with wanting that.

Sometimes I do feel a bit judged to be honest. It's hard to say if I am projecting my feelings onto others or whether there is an element of judgement - perhaps the truth is betwixt and between. Certainly being a single, childless woman brings with it challenges that I imagine a single mother might not have (of course there are many more challenges to being a single mum ) but single mothers do have the status of having been 'wanted' once, while I have never been.

That doesn't massively bother me but as SGB says, the propaganda thing that says a woman needs a man is powerful.

Porridge - I think you do idealise, just a teeny bit. When you talk about the door closing before you even had got a look - thats a very moving image and I too used to get upset about what I imagined was going on behind that closed door, that I was excluded from.

Bit now I know hat often what is going on behind the closed door can be horrible.

Of course I would love a healthy relationship with a man who was on my Team and My Best Friend and who wished to ravish me on a frequent basis.

But if it doesn't happen, I don't to torture myself that I have missed out on something most others have because I believe that those types of relationships are quite rare.

45% of marriages end in divorce. I bet another 20% of marriages that endure are not happy it people don't split due to fear or money worries. So I do believe ha this social pressure to settle down and accept enduring monogamy is misplaced as it just doesn't work for most people.

But if you want it, keep searching and I wish you luck and resilience!

Have really enjoyed reading this thread. It's weird how sometimes you are totally confident that other people will meet someone and have a great relationship even if you don't have that confidence for yourself. I have a few single friends and a single sister and I just know its only a matter of time (although who the hell knows how much time) before they meet someone. Yet i am a 31 year old mum of one and have been single for just over a year and really worry I will never meet anyone - or i should say, will never meet anyone I'm crazy about who is equally crazy about me.

Spero i do agree with what you say and out of those people i know in relationships, only a few are happy.

I dont want one of the crappy ones and i supose neither do any of us that have been burnt before.

Maybe that makes us more picky and the whole process take longer? Who knows?

Hannah Betts is very good on being single. She is very happy but also admits she wouldn't say no to a life partner. She's interesting too, the same age as Plankton but a lot less angsty about it. www.telegraph.co.uk/health/9872891/When-illness-strikes-living-alone-can-be-dangerous.html

I should disclose - I'm suddenly feeling like an interloper - I am happily married. But I reached the age of 27 without having had a LTR and thought I would never find someone. I still identify as single in a weird way. But here I am, met DH aged 30, got serious aged 31. People will quote shite about the unlikelihood of meeting someone, and some people won't. But a lot will.

Spero I have a friend who does family liaison and she sees all human misery too and it's made her very wary. Of course you would be if you only ever saw the dark side.

I don't only ever see the dark side! My parents are still together after 40 years and it is lovely how dad will bring mum little treats etc... But she complains bitterly to me about how he hates travelling and ruins holidays for her. Everything is compromise.

I guess I see more of the dark side than others - and I know that relationships which on the outside look shiney and perfect can mask quite horrifying levels of abuse.

As the AA say - never judge your insides on someone else's outsides.

Spero, perhaps it is because I will never have it, and have never had it, even a hint of it.

Oh, I totally get what you're saying - don't get me wrong. All the same, if I died, no one would care. That's a sad thing to say but I don't say it to be sad and "woe is me" - it's just true. Getting through the days when you matter to no-one can be hard!

The Hannah Betts article was sobering reading. But why this insistence that we have to couple up to save ourself from this fate? I am very interested in now many single mothers are getting together - I wish I had thought of that a few years ago but I was still brainwashed by the mantra that only acceptable way to live is with male partner.

Porridge - and neither have I. I have had relationships with horrible people who didn't even seem to like me, let alone love me. I wish I had never bothered but I suppose going through that has made me realise that being single is NOT a shame or a failure.

The shame is living in fear, compromise and boredom.

I know it is very hard and painful to lie awake at night wondering who would even miss you if you died. But you are not alone! I have made peace with it now. I know it helps that I have a daughter - and a dog.

This is a really thought provoking, interesting thread.

I count myself on the happily single side these days - enjoy being on my own and not looking; but I remember the other side too.

However, I've been a serious relationship which frankly was not that great and also had various dates/fwb/short term relationships. Since not bothering with all that I feel more content than I've ever been!

Spero your last post rings very true for me. Even the good relationships I see are all compromise and constant negotiation. Or maybe I'm just a selfish sod!

Spero the point was more that, even the poster girl for being happily single moans sometimes.

There is a very good feature she wrote recently for Stella all about forming a commune and living with friends which I'll try and find.

I see there's been a few more posts since - was responding to the one at 22.16!

What matters in life I think are connections. We all need to feel loved and wanted, that we matter. And I worry we have been sold a big lie that the only connection worth anything is a heterosexual coupling, usually with children.

And I think it is a big lie. Yes, when it works I am sure it is fantastic - but when it doesn't work it can ruin lives.

I wish we were more open to celebrating other kinds of connections and ways of living - so many children need fostering, so many old people have Christmas dinner on their own"

I have a good friend who is a single mother and it has helped a lot.

spero, I know about being unhappy in a relationship, I know about being happy single. Before I die, I'd like to experience a happy relationship. And not just to tick off the box! like PPs say, I'm not bored, or lonely, but I want somebody with me. And there is nobody. So, I get on with it. Thank goodness I am mentally independent.

I too would like to know what it is like to be loved by an adult who isn't my mum or dad. I certainly don't criticise people for wanting that.

What worries me is the view that it is a 'need' and if you don't get it, you are lesser. I think there is a danger people idealise the state of relationships and put a lot of time and money chasing it and get more worn down and frustrated.