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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has just left. Doesn't love me any more. I am destroyed.

252 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 16/03/2013 20:16

He hasn't loved me for a while.
Haven't had sex for ages. He doesn't fancy me. Sees me more as a sister.

I want to curl up and die. Im just bereft. I don't know how I can carry on.

OP posts:
Skyebluesapphire · 18/03/2013 23:05

a local lad was recently kicked out by his wife. he was shocked, it came out of nowhere, she said that she only loved him like a brother.

two months later it emerged that she was having an affair with his friend.

My XH was 48, so perfect age for the script. I think if you ignore the age thing, it does perfectly describe the actions of a man who is having an affair.

I was so hoping that XH was having some sort of breakdown or crisis. but it wasnt to be

tightfortime · 18/03/2013 23:44

You're doing great, well done.

Your MIL is unbelievable. What a waste of space.

Time for a new life pet x

badinage · 19/03/2013 00:09

A 28 year old saying you weren't treating him 'as befits the man of the house'? Shock

How enormously depressing and shameful that two people presumably of my generation have raised a man like that.....but when you describe your MIL, it's hardly surprising.

Be certain that he's either having an affair with the woman at work, or got the taste for it and has now moved on to someone else.

One day you'll remember that text and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him or why you put up with him for so long.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 19/03/2013 12:41

Teeny tiny victory I think today.

It's ds's third birthday on Thursday and "he" asked if he could stay on the sofa Wednesday so he could see him open his present.
Remembering the Mumsnet mantra that NO is a complete sentence that's exactly what I text back.
He said he wanted it to be normal for the kids. I told him we have a new normal.

He's not taking the hint and reckons he will be over for breakfast.
I'm just telling him NO.

I'm a bit worried he'll refuse to give me any money now though.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 19/03/2013 12:55

Ha ha well done. Sleep on the sofa indeed!
He can take him to mc ds that is his new normal.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 19/03/2013 13:13
Grin

I did call him a mcdonalds dad recently & he hit the roof.

He is so in denial.

He's started the abusive texts now. It's my fault he left. Hmm

OP posts:
badinage · 19/03/2013 13:19

Ignore them. Please don't respond. He's a bully and pompous twat who is only doing it to get attention and appease his own guilt.

Stand firm about the birthday. It's not his home any more to come and go as he pleases.

lisac99 · 19/03/2013 13:28

If he believes he's the 'Man of the house' and you're not kow-towing to his demands, then he'll probably be very annoyed that you're not bending over backwards and crying for him to come back. The fact you're telling him something he doesn't want to hear (e.g. 'No, you're NOT doing that) won't go down well so he's probably trying to regain his 'control' of you by being abusive, so you'll crumble and feel upset.

PLEASE KEEP these texts - don't delete them... if you'll ever need them to divorce him on unreasonable behaviour, they could be evidence.

I also suggest you do not reply - this means YOU have all the power, you're the one in control as you're choosing not to reply to him. This will also annoy him, he'll be pissed off you're not doing what he wants and he'll be annoyed that his abusive texts aren't upsetting you as you're not replying to him.

It shouldn't be about game playing, it should be about you having self respect, acting like an adult and only engaging with him when your children are involved. For everything else, you're right - 'No' is a full answer and when you reply to anything he says, I suggest you keep it strictly about the kids and no matter how upset you are, never send anything abusive or rude to him - you've got the upper hand now..... keep it!

fergoose · 19/03/2013 13:36

he can't refuse to give you money if you go via the CSA can he - anyway your children aren't pay per view are they.

Do not let him frighten you with the threat of withdrawing money. And do not reply to any texts.

NinaHeart · 19/03/2013 14:21

When my first husband and I spilt up (he was a violent creep and I was very young and naive) my mother said to me "hearts don't break that easily".

She was right.

In time this will be the past. And rightly so.
Hope you are feeling a little stronger today.

weighingitallup · 19/03/2013 15:56

Wow - UUG you go girl! NO is a complete sentence, do not be bullied by this fuckwit. You are amazing, your children are so lucky to have you.

Keep the texts - find a way of recording them, can you take screen shots and share them to an email address?

CremeEggThief · 19/03/2013 16:11

Good for you, UUG. Keep going! Thanks

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 19/03/2013 17:21

It all got a bit nasty on with the texts.
He sounds frankly deranged. He is so angry!

I did keep replying I'm afraid.
Mostly to point out what he'd done.

I was going to let the dust settle, but legal aid ends at the end of the month!
I might need to instruct a solicitor sooner than I think. (Do you instruct solicitors?)

My sister is comming up tonight.

I just ate something, but it's made me feel really unwell.

OP posts:
NinaHeart · 19/03/2013 17:25

Of course he's angry. You aren't marching to the beat of his drum any more. He doesn't really know how to cope with this and it sounds as though it wasn't at all what he expected. You are doing so well UUG.
I'd see a solicitor sooner rather than later so you havae discussed your options.
And glad you will have your sister with you tonight. Hope she gives you a big hug!

Ledkr · 19/03/2013 17:48

God they are quite happy when you're devastated aren't they. Mine was the same as soon as I appeared to be ok and living my life he was horrible to me. Accusing me if all sorts and blaming me for "over reactin" to his affair with a 16 yr old.
Even dared to suggest I cheated first. The twunt

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/03/2013 17:50

Glad you will have rl support.

The anger is part of the script - its not going his way so he has to have a tantrum Hmm

Yes, you need to see a solicitor ASAP.

Good luck x

CremeEggThief · 19/03/2013 19:16

Glad your sister is coming up. I bet you're already starting to feel your better off without him, now he's showing his true colours. How dare he! Angry

Stay strong. You're doing brilliantly.

CremeEggThief · 19/03/2013 19:17

Sorry- You're better off.

flippinada · 19/03/2013 19:19

Yep, funny how the tantrums start when you stop being distraught and start asserting yourself.

Glad your sister is coming over tonight to give you some support. Look how far you've come since you first posted - you're doing great xx

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 19/03/2013 20:36

It's been the longest 3 days of my life, longest week in fact, but I'm already getting stronger.

You guys are honestly keeping me sane.
I called 111 thinking I would get myself sectioned on Sunday.

His texts just keep getting stranger/funnier.

A couple of hours ago he said how him leaving had really put his team on the spot. (when he came home after I begged him, distraught, after the text)
All heart, my H.

OP posts:
flippinada · 19/03/2013 20:39

I bet it has.

If they sectioned people for being heartbroken, hospitals would be completely overwhelmed! :)

You're going through a traumatic time - go easy on yourself.

Conina · 19/03/2013 20:59

UUG I've just found your thread.

The change in your posts over the last few days is lovely. At first I was worried for you - you were so shocked, so scared, and yet in the last few posts, you're sounding so much more capable. I really believe that you're going to be ok. I don't like anything that you've told me about DH. He sounds like a twat. Just a grade A twat, with a dreadful mum to boot.

You're worth so much more x

Creameggkr · 19/03/2013 23:17

Love this thread seeing how far you have come already I'm do mad i didn't know about mn when it happened to me.
Uterus you are seriously going to have a much better life without him I did more in the years after he left than I'd ever done in my life. It's like a second chance to get it right.

Lucylloyd13 · 20/03/2013 16:26

poor uterus, stay strong.x

Hmmkay · 21/03/2013 19:47

Hi Uterus, delurking to say I've been following your thread and have been thinking of you today. I hope you're okay x