Husband has just left. Doesn't love me any more. I am destroyed.

[UterusUterusGhali]

He hasn't loved me for a while.
Haven't had sex for ages. He doesn't fancy me. Sees me more as a sister.

I want to curl up and die. Im just bereft. I don't know how I can carry on.

Yes. Very detached. He is unrecognisable as the man I married.

Amazonian, I remember your freds well. Glad you are in a better place. I was thinking about your story today actually! His was a masterclass in cuntishness, wasn't it?!

Yes now you mention it about a week after I'd discovered his betrayal he rang for dine reason and I answered obviously a bit offhand.
"What's up with you?" He asked puzzled.
"Um,my husband has left me it another woman leaving me with his four kids" I spat back at him.
" god you wanna get over it now" he said.
Makes sense now the detachment.
Oh yes he also told me I should be grateful that he'd never hit me

God, ledkr these arses. We don't see them coming until we have read a lot of books, studied the subject, read a lot on places like MN and forced ourselves to have more self-respect and to recognise wankdom when it comes up to us and tries to smarm.

And yes uterus, my exH took the biscuit!

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other girl. Be prepared to ride storms - emotionally and financially - but think of it as you and your three dc being in a solid little boat, bobbing about on the waves of life, unfurling the sail, sometimes tacking away from the wind and sometimes driven into it; you can find safe havens to rest and re-group when these come.

Then eventually, you hit the open ocean and you can go where ever your trusty little craft/family takes you and to hell with your knob of an H. His damn loss.

UUG - so glad yo uhave everyone on here to support you. You are going to be fine. I'm two years on almost to the day and am so thankful exFWH did what he did - dumping us and leaving us homeless, penniless and belonging-less was actually the second best thing that ever happened to me - it was the beginning of what is still a journey to recovery from abusive and destructive relationships. I've never felt stronger.

How great trust.

Uterus, we somehow discover our core selves I think, we who have been through this. It's how my name came about after exH had gone. I had never felt so weak, defeated and terrified. I needed to have the strengths of an Amazonian to get me and my darling son through it and I honestly didn't think I had such strengths. Hence I was a very unlikely 'Amazonian.'

But I made it and you will too.

I am loads fatter also. Hurrah!

Uterus, I was shaking in anger at that excuse for a man when I read your post.

You are, in shock, terrible grief and shock but as others have said, your body is reacting physically. It's scary, but you will be ok and you are showing signs already of the fog starting to lift.

I applaud you, you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Baby steps is right, keep it practical, what needs to be done, what can wait.

Call in sick, get signed off for a while. Take whatever you need to sleep. Try and eat. Mind those kids. Get RL support but stay here too.

In time, you need to take his control over you back. Find out what really happened and why he detached so long ago. But right now, mind yourself. Breathe, walk, try to sleep. It does and will get easier and you are well rid of any man who thinks text is any way to communicate that kind of message.

The other ladies here who have been through it have so much unfortunate wisdom. Believe it, even if you don't want to. They are your guides.

Hold it together girl, we're all here. X

Hello Uterus

I hope that you are OK as you might expect to be; I have been thinking of you and I remember the god awful feeling of waking up and then feeling like I was plunging down an elevator shaft when I remembered. There will be more of this to come and it is like a game of snakes and ladders for a while - some days you feel better, some days worse, but again - that is in the future - managing the here and now is the important thing.

There is no need to have any big plans in place immediately but try and take a moment to think of the things that can't wait or will need to be done sooner rather than later. I would suggest that these are:-

1. Sleep - try and put into place anything that will help with this
2. Eat - try and eat at least just a little
3. Drink - try not to drink too much (again learning from my mistakes when I would seek salvation in a bottle of wine when DS was in bed which just made things worse with hindsight but at that point I needed to sleep and this was my way)
4. Support - you need at least a couple of people you can phone night or day (as well as on here) - good friends who will just let you talk and listen to you and be there
5. Finances - no need for big picture stuff immediately but as others have said take control of the debt situation by being proactive and register for any tax credits/single discounts on council tax etc that you may be entitled to. Ensure that ex does not have access to any joint accounts - speak to bank and explain situation if appropriate - ditto any joint credit cards etc

It helps to just take things piece meal. The bigger picture can be daunting (to be honest 2.5 years later I could still sit here and panic about pension (lack of), schools for son, not being able to be in UK to be near ageing parents etc but try and just focus on the short term and what I can do to make that as nice and secure as possible.

The detachment that you and others talk about is dreadful to experience. My ex (they must be genetically programmed somehow) did the same. A couple of weeks after he left he seemed to think that I was being 'pathetic' as I needed to get my act together. I personally found like it was being in an episode of a science fiction movie when someone you think you know and love and whom you have bet your life on is replaced by an automoton. As we were in the middle of IVF (and I thought ex was in mid life crisis as he needed to find who he was and live his passions....turned out he was finding himself under a girl from work ) he agreed to 'do his bit' but we would put any embryos on ice. As I was crying and bleeding afterwards he said "you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I don't feel anything for you anymore". It was like an out of body experience but I remember it often and I am now in the place where I pity him. I would hate to have so lacking a moral compass that I would be so cruel as to articulate this to someone I had married even if I felt it.

There is a quote I clung onto which has turned out to be true. It is Hemingway and it is "the world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger in the broken places". My heart was smashed but you know what. Much as I would have forgone this shitty fucking last few years and had my family intact (my ex was actually nice when married - just aftwards turned out to be a bit psycho double life and turned vile) - I think I am much more compassionate and appreciative of small kindesses and basic human decency. Without sounding up myself, until the pregnancy losses I had had a bit of a guilded life - worked hard but achieved a lot - had lovely friends - lovely ex boyfriends, great family, great job, nice 'things'. Probably didn't realise I was so lucky. Perhaps didn't realise the extent other people struggled. Well trust me I do now and having had wonderful support from friends and strangers I try and (without sounding Pollyannaish) try and pay some back. I think I am a nicer person. Albeit with more worries, wrinkles and challenges. Anyway, that all sounds a bit twee - fear not I have had many many moments of despair and exhaustion and the very true cry of its not fucking fair with a few choice f and c words banded about liberally - but everything that feels insurmountable right now will be OK.

Hang in there
Dolly x

I keep waking up having panic attacks. This is that 03:30 wake up call!
I can't believe possible my heart can beat so fast without doing any damage! It's terrifying!

Im getting angry though. I don't see why I should be the one to untangle the administrative nightmare.

Thank you, dolly. You write so beautifully.

He keeps saying he feels nothing. I can't quite bring myself to write ex.

God I feel so sick & empty.

My body has nothing left to give.

He just doesn't love me. I thought marriage was forever.

Uterus, just sympathy from over here. Just so you know there are other people awake, if you want to talk.

and some ((hugs)) from here too. I've no first hand experience, so no practical advice - but I'm here tomorrow night too if you need someone to talk to.
You are an amazingly strong person-going through a hellish time.
I haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread... have you spoken to your GP? Maybe they could prescribe something to help you sleep? Sleep deprivation magnifys the 'unreal' quality and makes everything harder (sorry I've not put that very well - or course you're going through hell, and sleep won't make it better)

My flesh is crawling. I'm in a cold sweat.

I can't believe he'd do this to us.

Our future is gone.

There is a bright future ahead for you and your children, just because you can't see it yet doesn't mean it isn't there. Get through the next couple of days and it will start to emerge

He is an arse. You WILL be ok. You have got through another night, and there are some amazing stories on here of women who have come out the other side, (My DM too when my arse of a father left her) and they offer great support.

When did you last have something to eat/drink?

Oh Uterus

Of course you feel utterly dreadful. You would be inhuman if you didn't. You valued your marriage, had reason to believe it had turned the corner and had no expectation that this would happen. You will feel what you feel until each day it gradually shifts its shape and slowly slowly things begin to change.

You are probably right in that 'our future is gone' and of course you will be mourning the loss of what you had, what you thought you had and the life you had planned.

But what you can't see now - and from experience it is nigh on impossible to imagine, when people told me this I just wanted to tell them to fuck off, my life was over, I was shattered, there was no coming back from this, they had no clue what I was going through - is that whilst THAT future may well be over YOUR future is certainly not. Nor that of your DC (nor come to that their future with their Dad). It is just going to be different. And maybe fabulous. But certainly something that YOU will be able to control when you are strong enough and despite everything you sound like you are a strong Uterus.

You have also written that 'my body has nothing left to give'; listen to it then my love and try and take care of it. Eat a little, shower, get ready, rest, walk - whatever you think is best. It is SUCH early days, you are in shock and running on empty and adrenelin. Sorry to bang the drum but I hope you reach out and ask for help in RL. About week 3 in I went to a friends (who had a tiny baby and SPD) who literally took my son off me to play in garden and put me into her bed and tucked me up and said come out in two hours. It helped.

It is too early in your story for this one but I will mention it anyway. A few months in (although ex hedged his bets for a bit so a few weeks after the e-mail so actually a few weeks after that - my parents travelled over to where I live to look after me. On Boxing Day evening they came home (I had urged them to go out as felt bad they were on the other side of the world essentially babysitting a then 40 year old previously capable woman) when they found me distraught and broken sobbing my heart out. My mother who is very caring and lovely almost shook me and told me 'Dont' you DARE let him do this to you, don't him DARE take the wonderful Dolly that you are. Don't let him take anything else away from you. He has lost you and you are a much better than that fucking awful awful cowardly shell of a man' - nb. my mum is quite posh and never swears so this was quite 'shocking' in itself....

Don't let him take anything else from you sweetie. But like I say I live in a glass house as I spent months in pieces really...but I wish I hadn't. Because you know what I was and am worth more.

xx

dolly you are amazing, inspirational and eloquent

What was your future though uterus?? A future if feeling shit about yourself because he doesn't find you attractive or live you or. Future where your children learn that a relationship is like that?
This is all normal stuff. Sad for what might have been whilst glossing over how it actually was.
I remember watching "mist haunted" one night. They were in Blackpool.i wept and wept then eventually my friend phoned.
I told her I was so sad as we"d had a lovely holiday there" she reminded me that on that holiday I had rang her most days in tears at the way he was treating us.
In a few weeks you will see that more clearly.
The detachment feels like they are rubbishing your life together and trivialising things.
That's because they are.
They feel less detached when they see you re building your life and moving forward.
They feel less detached when they miss out in something with the chikdren.
They feel a lot less detached when you lose shed loads of weight get your hair done and look stunning.
They feel positively ATTACHED when you meet someone else.
It's all a game to him at the moment because he's making al the choices.
Make a few yourself and watch him squirm.
As for money your sure start centre will have a benefits advisor attached.
They know it all. I'm using one at the moment with my poorly ds she dies the forms and everything.
Don't be angry with what you have to do just be glad you can sort it so you can do what's best for you. He doesn't sound great with money.
He will shut himself a little when he sees you sorting stuff out and it will give you something do do.
The night time thing won't last long I promise.

Dolly. My friend did the same. Put me to bed with tea and too of the pops
She also told me off when I said I couldn't cope, telling me that I could cope as "you have arms and legs don't you" and this face

Thank you all.

The thought that he was right to end it is almost too much to bare.

That's a different thing though. Maybe he should have worked at it more who knows?
It took me a little while but I did eventually feel glad that he'd ended it or I think we would have just chugged along wasting our lives.
Can you ring sure start today and get an appointment with benefits advisor? It really will help to be pro active.
I went to sort mine the day after he left. I also visited the clap clinic I think I was slightly manic that day.
Are you working this week?

Uterus if I could I'd bring you home to my house and tuck you up in bed myself.

You are traumatised and your body is reacting as it needs to, to keep you alive, ironically.

I echo everything dolly has said and ledkr is right too. These men have to detach to avoid the guilt and shame they'd be feeling if they truly acknowledged their behaviours. Mine was no different and within days he was inundating me with emails detailing the financial settlement he had spent months working out and he accused me of being 'difficult' when I refused to agree to his proposals before seeing a sol. That WAS the man I married had I but recognised the red flags 20 years before.

I can clearly remember walking around the supermarket and experiencing the outside world as if I was looking in on something I wasn't a part of - that was my detachment from the pain.

Uterus look after yourself. Do the small things others have suggested which will put you a bit more in control of what happens next. They'll help calm the panic and and you'll begin your own journey of rediscovering who you are going to be from now on.

As for what he thinks of all that - who cares? It's all about you and your DC's now.

Have you talked to any friends yet Uterus? Sorry if I've missed that bit.
It's a new day, be kind to yourself, you'll get through this.

Greatscotty (sorry for mini-tiny hi-jack Uterus) - what IS it with these men?? I had to respond as my previous loving, attentive, 3 weeks prior arranged an amazing 40th surprise w/end, packed me off to the UK for 6 weeks so he could think about what he wanted but in the meantime wanted me to sign financial agreement that "hopefully we could rip up but was in place so it wouldn't cloud his thinking about whether or not he wanted to be married to me anymore so best to sign away and hope we would rip it up". As referenced I was out of my mind but not that away with the fairies to fall for that even in my emaciated, self-medicated, fragile state.

But back to you Uterus. I think the key here is that it is so CONFRONTING to realise that they people we loved and no doubt right now, you still love, are capable of this type of deception and cold and calculated behaviour. TBH I am still coming to terms with it. But again this is way too early to even think about my love. Just know that many many women thought, like you, that they would not make it through but they did. You will too.

Hi Uterus - I was thinking that there's probably a lot of humiliation in the awful heartbroken feeling you're carrying - as it comes over you in waves like it does. He was quite cruel in how he let you down wasn't he. And there is no need to say I don't love you/ haven't loved you in a long while/ don't fancy you anymore. It's mean and strikes me as intentionally cruel and intended to humiliate. Humiliation is quite a deep sharp pain I think, and sometimes it can help to actually isolate what the the feeling is when trying to deal with it.

He could have spoken to you with kindness and been reasonable but he chose to be cruel, so he must have a cruel streak in him I guess. That's how he must operate. I think the danger would be to feel compelled to appease him and win him over to counteract the humiliation feeling, and that would be for the wrong reasons. Abusive people from the past can induce us to react like that - appease them to make them approve and love us.

Resist