If a verbally abusive H accuses me of being an abuser...

[ObscuredByClouds]

How do I deal with this?

Short history: married 8 years, 3 dc's between us from previous marriage. He has become increasingly verbally abusive over last few years: flies off handle at anything, threatens to leave lots, says I disrespect him. Shouts, swears, name calls, points, gets in my face. Brings stuff up that's irrelevant to argument from the past, can go silent/nasty/vindictive for days afterwards.

Otherwise a good man who protects us and we have lots of fun and shared friends.

I cry usually, wear heart on sleeve, hate unresolved conflict.

He has now accused me of being his abuser. I can't cope with that. I want to get my head straight to try and decide rationally what to do.

How do I deal with being called an abuser when I'm not? I'm in bits.

He is not good man, not in any way. NO GOOD MAN DOES WHAT HE IS DOING. He is abusive. It is very, very common for abusive men to accuse their victims of being abusive. He has ground you down so that you don't know your own mind.
Please don't underplay all the other verbal and emotional abuse either. I know you think you have got your head round that and that it's not true etc etc, but mark my words it will have completely destabilised you. When you are punched emotionally and verbally for a sustained amount of time it has devastating effects on your psyche. I know, I put up with it for 15 years. I got out last year and am only just starting to have some sort of self belief.

Obscured when you write "He sometimes apologises for over reacting but only after days and days of continued cold shoulder treatment and nasty comments" you are talking about my STBXH. In fact so much of what you write sounds like him. He was Mr Nice Guy, but had a foul temper, used to call me names, was verbally intimidating, and I would spend days wondering what the hell I'd done. In better times I would ask him not to shout so much. His response was 'Don't press my buttons'.

Now I'm out of the relationship I see it was all about his need for power and control. Don't let him bully you into doubting yourself. I did this, and it's a self destructive cycle.

I've just seen your comment also "He doesn't care if I'm upset". Neither did mine, in fact it often made him angrier.

I'm so sorry, but try to see HE is abusing you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. In a funny sort of way it's reassuring to read them and know I'm not unique or imagining things.

He tells me I don't understand what I do and I need to do so before it's too late for our marriage. He says I neither care about him nor the marriage.

I keep playing it over in my head and I still can't believe he told me I abuse him. He says he's warned me time and again that my behaviour will destroy our marriage.

You don't think you have the mental strength to leave. Believe me, you will probably surprise yourself. He's made you believe you don't have the mental strength, this is part of what they do.

Days before he left I remember my H shouting at me in the hall. I don't even know what it was about, but I do remember him saying 'Your problem is you have no self confidence'. I didn't, because HE was stripping it away.

When he left, I felt the fog clear that you are talking about. Yes it was shocking and distressing and I still face an uncertain future. But I've gained SO much confidence because I haven't got him sniping away at me constantly, undermining me, making me doubt myself, bullying me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

That's a good point that Lou makes - the fog is mostly likely to clear after you leave. Although... have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

Can you say to him, "I think you're right - the marriage is already destroyed. Let's call it quits." Or "Gosh, I might be an abuser. If I am, I need to leave the relationship for long enough to change myself."

I would never, ever say I was an abuser to him, even as a means to leave the relationship. It is abhorrent to me.

I've not read that book. Is it helpful? Will it give me strength?

No, absolutely. That's why I said "If" and "might". But you're right, not a great way to go.

The book is excellent. Cuts right through the fog to the heart of the matter. Shows the patterns that all abusers use, so you see the mindgames they play for what they are. It's recommended on here all the time because everyone who reads it seems to find loads in it that's helpful. It is the only book I know of that gets right inside the abuser's head.

You've had a few threads about this awful man haven't you?

You need to leave him.

But you won't.

There's nothing more anyone can say, because it has no impact.

I don't know what will?

Seems a bit harsh, badinage. It can take years to leave and abusive relationship and stay 'left'.

He is an absolute arse. You have "fun" with him when out with your friends, because he has his "Mr. Nice Guy" public face on. But behind closed doors he is treating you like shit, and now trying to make out YOU are the bad guy!

I notice you don't have children together - but you DO have children. Is this really what you want them to grow up with?

I would say - run like the wind. You will feel much happier when you are no longer being picked at constantly by this excuse for a man.

Yes the Lundy Bancroft book will really help. Please do buy a copy. xxx

Badinage, yes. I have started a few threads about him it's true. I'm not in a very good place.

I did get him to go at one point, back in September, but he let himself back in and refused to make the move permanent as his health was bad. I allowed him to stay with great reluctance and with conditions attached. If anything it's now worse.

Why try to make be feel bad? I thought this forum was about support. I have only told one RL friend about what's going on and she has snogging crap of her own to deal with. I am so low...I just needed to get some support from here tbh. I'm a bit of a mess tonight.

Sometimes it's just a case of having someone listen Badinage. She's getting it out. We're good at that here too!

Her own crap...not snogging crap!

OP - I'm not going to hassle you. I'll give you support. x

Badinage that's a bit severe. Understanding what emotional abuse is and identifying all the classic tactics they use (and accusing their partner of abusing them is a classic tactic of an abuser, OP) takes time. OP is at the start of that journey. She needs to do some reading urgently and educate herself about ea.

I second reading the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does He Do That?' OP, it will help to lessen the feelings of confusion and depression that build up when you don't understand what's going on. I'm sure when you get some insight in to this OP you will not need ADs. YOu will need to see a solicitor and talk to Women's Aid.

In the meantime, as you are reading and thinking, try to take a step back from your relationship. Try to detach and watch the techniques he's using that try to control you. See the cycle of abuse - the nasty nice nasty cycle. And also make sure you get some regular time away from him when you can relax and do something nice for yourself every day, no matter how small.

Remember, if you don't feel safe, if you are intimidated or threatened ring 999. The police are good on abuse now and will know how to handle him.

I've had a look at your other threads and they've petered off quite quickly. Sounds like you've started with a clear head and good intentions, but feel too weak to make any real progress? He does sound difficult to get rid of!

The other suggestion I have is to get in touch with Women's Aid. You could ask for your own support worker and that will help you to keep the momentum going.

From what I remember, it's already been years.

On the last thread I saw, it seemed obvious he was cheating too. This thread chronicling counter-accusations of unhappiness and projections of abuse only further strengthens that suspicion. The OP said then that cheating would make her finally leave.

While I don't pretend to understand why cheating is regarded as worse than years of abuse by some people, at least there appeared to be a line in the sand for the OP.

But unless someone really wants to go and make a better life for herself and her children, there's nothing anyone can say that would make a difference.

I'm never sure what OPs of repeat threads want from them? The responses are the same every time. Every sane voice says leave, people commit time, help and advice and nothing changes until another thread gets started about the same thing.

I'm really not sure what purpose it serves, apart from getting attention.

Absolutely read LUNDY; it was an eye opener for me and THE turning point.

Thank you, Pictish. I appreciate that x

I had years of ADs and breakdowns . Left mine 18months ago and have rented, sold and bought properties and renovated my new one with not one panic attack anti depressant anxiety attack = nothing!! It is amazing when you start to meet people who validate you not run you downYou start to realise that you are not what they tell you. You are lovely!! Would never tell you what to do but LTB !!

I never suspected him of cheating. Not once. I still don't

No because that's your deal-breaker isn't it?

No, because I don't believe he has cheated.

I'm ignoring bad now, because I don't think she's being helpful or kind. You're welcome to do the same, OP.