If a verbally abusive H accuses me of being an abuser...

[ObscuredByClouds]

How do I deal with this?

Short history: married 8 years, 3 dc's between us from previous marriage. He has become increasingly verbally abusive over last few years: flies off handle at anything, threatens to leave lots, says I disrespect him. Shouts, swears, name calls, points, gets in my face. Brings stuff up that's irrelevant to argument from the past, can go silent/nasty/vindictive for days afterwards.

Otherwise a good man who protects us and we have lots of fun and shared friends.

I cry usually, wear heart on sleeve, hate unresolved conflict.

He has now accused me of being his abuser. I can't cope with that. I want to get my head straight to try and decide rationally what to do.

How do I deal with being called an abuser when I'm not? I'm in bits.

[Shr0edinger]

@ Obscured, you have him out of the house now. well done. I hope for your sake it's permenent becauuse you don't want to have to go through this over and over again, never letting it progress to the point where he has finally accepted that it's over. Letting him have another chance, letting him back in etc. please take the word of hundreds of us on here, it won't change or get better, not a man like this.

SImilarly, it was when my x was a bit over zealous in his disciplining of my eldest that I pulled a bit more strength out of the bag.

[Shr0edinger]

I wish I'd written it down too, every time he'd called me an imbecile or a cold hearted bitch or whatever, i should have logged it with the date. even now i sometimes wonder if i dramatised it all slightly. But then i get a flashback to how i felt before i left.

[ObscuredByClouds]

I've been honest with the DCs. We have always been honest with each other. They know I've asked him to give us breathing space and they know where he is. DC's adamant it's never happened before between him and them and they were satisfied with his apology this morning: he was genuinely remorseful and upset he had done it. He made no excuses and completely took the blame on himself.

But I still felt space was necessary.

Permanent? Currently I'm enjoying the peace and am not ready to make that decision...that's be being truthful with all of you. I do know that I won't be ready to have him back for some time. I need to get my head straight and talk properly with my kids.

[Shr0edinger]

You could have this lovely peace all the time. It's YOUR choice. I remember in the weeks after I left my x, the pure heaven that it was every day not dreading his key in the door, and getting in to a bed without him in it!. Heaven it was.

[cjel]

OP hope you enjoy the peace and start to relax a bit. My DS came in one day 6 months after we split and I jumped, I realised I used to jump every time the door went before we split and hadn't for months. The tiredness was strange though!! I slept like a log for hours and hours. Look after yourselfxx

[ObscuredByClouds]

Thank yiu both for your support, it's appreciated x

[badinage]

So do they know that you asked him to leave in September too?

[ElectricSheep]

It's great to be honest with the DC, OP. But be careful not to create the impression that you are asking them whether they think he should stay away or come back again. That is too much to put on them as children. Plus I think children are hardwired to want and love a parent almost however much a FW they are to them. They will say they want him back if asked, but you as the adult have the longer and broader view to make the decision in their and your best interest.

Enjoy your 2 days. But if I were you I think I'd want at least 2-4 weeks.

[ObscuredByClouds]

Yes, badinage, they knew about September too...and they knew why he came back too. I don't keep things from them; they are 13 and 17 so are old enough to see what's going on anyway. Our relationship has always been based in age-appropriate honesty and truth, love and respect.

And sheep, I think you are so right: I must stop myself from asking them whether they want him back here or not, I can't burden them with that responsibility.

[badinage]

Yes I agree with that. Children often dislike their world changing even more than adults and don't yet possess the experience and wisdom to envisage a better life. They look to their adult carers to make responsible decisions on their behalf, even if they don't initially approve of them. It's only when children experience a new peace and happier parents who are apart, that they can contrast the two living situations. IME, no child who has lived in an abusive relationship ever says that their former life was better.