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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If a verbally abusive H accuses me of being an abuser...

110 replies

ObscuredByClouds · 15/03/2013 19:20

How do I deal with this?

Short history: married 8 years, 3 dc's between us from previous marriage. He has become increasingly verbally abusive over last few years: flies off handle at anything, threatens to leave lots, says I disrespect him. Shouts, swears, name calls, points, gets in my face. Brings stuff up that's irrelevant to argument from the past, can go silent/nasty/vindictive for days afterwards.

Otherwise a good man who protects us and we have lots of fun and shared friends.

I cry usually, wear heart on sleeve, hate unresolved conflict.

He has now accused me of being his abuser. I can't cope with that. I want to get my head straight to try and decide rationally what to do.

How do I deal with being called an abuser when I'm not? I'm in bits.

OP posts:

Report

Shr0edinger · 16/03/2013 22:38

Nualanuala, u might find that next time it,s a poke AND a sove, then a rougher poke and a shove, then a rougher poke and a rougher shove....
i knew knew knew i was entitled to leave when he was physically abusive though so that was nearly a blessing. the verbal, emotional and financial abuse- he could argue his way around it all. but i knew there was no argument in the world to justify or even partially excuse physical abuse.

ObscuredByClouds · 16/03/2013 22:43

I know what you mean about 'wishing' the abuse was physical. It's not that I want him to physically abuse me, it's that - as you've said- it's incontrovertible.

Nualanuala, I hope you find the strength to leave. I really hope you can see that his behaviour is his choice. Nothing to do with infertility x

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 16/03/2013 22:58

OP, I think it would be excellent if you returned to this thread from time to time. Partly to remind yourself what's gone on before, as it's so easy to brush it under the carpet and forget it ever happened in a surprisingly short period of time.

Nuala, don't beat yourself up for not having left (he already does a good job at that). It takes time, to see things clearly, to face practicalities, to gather courage. The door is open any time you want to walk through it - you don't have to stay just because you didn't leave at the first push.

ObscuredByClouds · 16/03/2013 23:07

Yes, why is it that I can 'forget' so quickly how awful he can be? I'm not a stupid person so why do I do that?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 16/03/2013 23:10

Because you want everything to be okay.

It's human instinct.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 16/03/2013 23:48

I don't know. I do it so effectively that 9 months ago I had a tiny sense that something was wrong in the relationship but absolutely no substantial evidence to back it up.

We all do it - the forgetting, I mean. It's one of the reasons that a journal can be so useful. I didn't keep one for years because I wanted to forgive and forget, each time. I thought it'd be like holding a grudge, but actually it kept me from seeing the bigger picture. Six months of keeping a journal and I could read it whenever I'd forgotten again. Didn't take long to get back that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I suppose it's a defense mechanism. Because otherwise, we'd drive ourselves crazy trying to face up to something really wrong that we have no power of changing, iyswim.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 16/03/2013 23:50

That stomach feeling - don't think I expressed that well. I'd read just a few pages of my journal, and get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I learnt to recognise as a warning that the stuff I was facing up to was seriously not right.

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 01:01

I understand what you mean by that feeling in your stomach. I have it now :(

OP posts:

struwelpeter · 17/03/2013 01:05

When the fog lifts, the landscape will seem strange and it might take some time to navigate your way round this new world where you don't get abused. I'm coming up to two years of freedom - yes he did the classic stuff and also had the affair - I am still amazed about things such as being spoken to with respect, being listened to, negotiating and discussing things with others.
I took the Ads and only recently have begun to cut down and consider coming off them.
Forge some strong links with RL support, build up new friendships in preparation, find some things you like to do. It is a bumpy ride but the future without abuse is so much brighter than having to deal with constant efforts to undermine you.
Keep posting and take a look at the EA thread.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 17/03/2013 11:13

i knew knew knew i was entitled to leave when he was physically abusive though so that was nearly a blessing.

Any one of us is entitled to leave WHENEVER WE WISH TO.

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 15:39

Yes u r right but i did not see that til after id left, and it took violence to get me to leave. he still acted hard done by. i was selfish. i was cold-hearted. he doesnt acknowledge even the physical abuse, never mind the other kinds!!!
why is it that i needed him to understand WHY i was leaving him it's a mystery to him.

cjel · 17/03/2013 17:26

I know what you mean by things being a blessing. My DH took another woman out for lunch when he was feeling low and apparently I was lucky as he had been looking for escorts online as he was so unhappy!!! That was my blessing and reason to leave. I am 18months in and soooo happy I no longer have that tummy feeling. people say I have been through so much (They don't know what I went through in the 1st 30 yrs) they can't believe how well I'm doing. I can its great!!!

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 18:54

Well, after the events of last night I have asked him to leave and give me space. He's away for 2 nights.

Initially he maintained its down to me to change, that he was going to find somewhere else to live etc but now he wants us to 'use this time wisely'.

OP posts:

badinage · 17/03/2013 18:59

Do you think he behaved so badly that he left you with no choice?

But has manipulated the situation so that it looks like it was your choice?

Where's he gone? 2 days isn't really enough is it?

cjel · 17/03/2013 19:18

Are you ok? what happened last night? Thought you were biding your time till you moved?xx

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 19:24

Yeah what happened clouds?

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 19:28

Plus, wrt you needing to change, it's hard, but u have to not care what he thinks.
no matter what u do or say it will all be your fault and theres nothing u can do or say to make him take responsibility. u have to end it knowing u will be free. what HE thinks feels overwhelming to begin with but it gets less signifant as u recover

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 19:32

He took his anger out on my kids. He was shouting at them and not believing they had t broken something (they hadn't). He claimed he KNEW they'd done it.
DD was crying. DS and DD were contemplating lying and saying they'd broken it just to keep the peace! That was the straw that broke the camel's back.
He apologised unreservedly to the dc's this morning and felt awful but it really isn't on is it? He claims this was a huge wake up call for him.
I had no choice than to ask for space.

OP posts:

Trifle · 17/03/2013 19:38

Your poor poor children, being tormented by such an abusive pig with a mother too weak to protect them.

cjel · 17/03/2013 19:40

Space the only way to go. Then you can decide what you want to do, work at reconciliation or walk away , Now its your choice. Hope he doesn't think its only couple of days though? How are you and DCs?

stopbeingsilly · 17/03/2013 19:47

Oh trifle do fuck off.

OP, you're not weak.

cjel · 17/03/2013 19:56

Trifle OP just asked him to leave she is strong lady who is protecting her children

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 20:12

Trifle, sling your hook

NeedlesCuties · 17/03/2013 20:13

OP, you seem like you have your head screwed on and that it's him doing his best to twist and turn everything.

Lundy Bancroft has a site, here some interesting articles and observations. He seems to be well-informed about abusers and their tricks.

Hope you and the DC are ok and making plans.

badinage · 17/03/2013 20:13

You did the right thing, but it's okay to be honest in your reply to these questions.

Are you ready to make this split permanent?

What do the kids think has happened? Do they know you've asked him to go and give you all space or has this been portrayed as something else?

If he's only going to be gone for 2 days and you're both lying to the kids about this break, it will be business as usual with him going away and coming back again.

And your amnesia will return, especially if the 'nice' cycle starts again.

Horrible though this experience was for your kids, at least it's brought home to you that his abuse is escalating and that it's definitely affecting the children now.

Flip

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