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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If a verbally abusive H accuses me of being an abuser...

110 replies

ObscuredByClouds · 15/03/2013 19:20

How do I deal with this?

Short history: married 8 years, 3 dc's between us from previous marriage. He has become increasingly verbally abusive over last few years: flies off handle at anything, threatens to leave lots, says I disrespect him. Shouts, swears, name calls, points, gets in my face. Brings stuff up that's irrelevant to argument from the past, can go silent/nasty/vindictive for days afterwards.

Otherwise a good man who protects us and we have lots of fun and shared friends.

I cry usually, wear heart on sleeve, hate unresolved conflict.

He has now accused me of being his abuser. I can't cope with that. I want to get my head straight to try and decide rationally what to do.

How do I deal with being called an abuser when I'm not? I'm in bits.

OP posts:

Report

badinage · 17/03/2013 21:30

Yes I agree with that. Children often dislike their world changing even more than adults and don't yet possess the experience and wisdom to envisage a better life. They look to their adult carers to make responsible decisions on their behalf, even if they don't initially approve of them. It's only when children experience a new peace and happier parents who are apart, that they can contrast the two living situations. IME, no child who has lived in an abusive relationship ever says that their former life was better.

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 21:29

Yes, badinage, they knew about September too...and they knew why he came back too. I don't keep things from them; they are 13 and 17 so are old enough to see what's going on anyway. Our relationship has always been based in age-appropriate honesty and truth, love and respect.

And sheep, I think you are so right: I must stop myself from asking them whether they want him back here or not, I can't burden them with that responsibility.

OP posts:

ElectricSheep · 17/03/2013 21:24

It's great to be honest with the DC, OP. But be careful not to create the impression that you are asking them whether they think he should stay away or come back again. That is too much to put on them as children. Plus I think children are hardwired to want and love a parent almost however much a FW they are to them. They will say they want him back if asked, but you as the adult have the longer and broader view to make the decision in their and your best interest.

Enjoy your 2 days. But if I were you I think I'd want at least 2-4 weeks.

badinage · 17/03/2013 21:06

So do they know that you asked him to leave in September too?

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 20:59

Thank yiu both for your support, it's appreciated x

OP posts:

cjel · 17/03/2013 20:54

OP hope you enjoy the peace and start to relax a bit. My DS came in one day 6 months after we split and I jumped, I realised I used to jump every time the door went before we split and hadn't for months. The tiredness was strange though!! I slept like a log for hours and hours. Look after yourselfxx

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 20:26

You could have this lovely peace all the time. It's YOUR choice. I remember in the weeks after I left my x, the pure heaven that it was every day not dreading his key in the door, and getting in to a bed without him in it!. Heaven it was.

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 20:24

I've been honest with the DCs. We have always been honest with each other. They know I've asked him to give us breathing space and they know where he is. DC's adamant it's never happened before between him and them and they were satisfied with his apology this morning: he was genuinely remorseful and upset he had done it. He made no excuses and completely took the blame on himself.

But I still felt space was necessary.

Permanent? Currently I'm enjoying the peace and am not ready to make that decision...that's be being truthful with all of you. I do know that I won't be ready to have him back for some time. I need to get my head straight and talk properly with my kids.

OP posts:

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 20:16

I wish I'd written it down too, every time he'd called me an imbecile or a cold hearted bitch or whatever, i should have logged it with the date. even now i sometimes wonder if i dramatised it all slightly. But then i get a flashback to how i felt before i left.

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 20:14

@ Obscured, you have him out of the house now. well done. I hope for your sake it's permenent becauuse you don't want to have to go through this over and over again, never letting it progress to the point where he has finally accepted that it's over. Letting him have another chance, letting him back in etc. please take the word of hundreds of us on here, it won't change or get better, not a man like this.

SImilarly, it was when my x was a bit over zealous in his disciplining of my eldest that I pulled a bit more strength out of the bag.

badinage · 17/03/2013 20:13

You did the right thing, but it's okay to be honest in your reply to these questions.

Are you ready to make this split permanent?

What do the kids think has happened? Do they know you've asked him to go and give you all space or has this been portrayed as something else?

If he's only going to be gone for 2 days and you're both lying to the kids about this break, it will be business as usual with him going away and coming back again.

And your amnesia will return, especially if the 'nice' cycle starts again.

Horrible though this experience was for your kids, at least it's brought home to you that his abuse is escalating and that it's definitely affecting the children now.

NeedlesCuties · 17/03/2013 20:13

OP, you seem like you have your head screwed on and that it's him doing his best to twist and turn everything.

Lundy Bancroft has a site, here some interesting articles and observations. He seems to be well-informed about abusers and their tricks.

Hope you and the DC are ok and making plans.

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 20:12

Trifle, sling your hook

cjel · 17/03/2013 19:56

Trifle OP just asked him to leave she is strong lady who is protecting her children

stopbeingsilly · 17/03/2013 19:47

Oh trifle do fuck off.

OP, you're not weak.

cjel · 17/03/2013 19:40

Space the only way to go. Then you can decide what you want to do, work at reconciliation or walk away , Now its your choice. Hope he doesn't think its only couple of days though? How are you and DCs?

Trifle · 17/03/2013 19:38

Your poor poor children, being tormented by such an abusive pig with a mother too weak to protect them.

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 19:32

He took his anger out on my kids. He was shouting at them and not believing they had t broken something (they hadn't). He claimed he KNEW they'd done it.
DD was crying. DS and DD were contemplating lying and saying they'd broken it just to keep the peace! That was the straw that broke the camel's back.
He apologised unreservedly to the dc's this morning and felt awful but it really isn't on is it? He claims this was a huge wake up call for him.
I had no choice than to ask for space.

OP posts:

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 19:28

Plus, wrt you needing to change, it's hard, but u have to not care what he thinks.
no matter what u do or say it will all be your fault and theres nothing u can do or say to make him take responsibility. u have to end it knowing u will be free. what HE thinks feels overwhelming to begin with but it gets less signifant as u recover

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 19:24

Yeah what happened clouds?

cjel · 17/03/2013 19:18

Are you ok? what happened last night? Thought you were biding your time till you moved?xx

badinage · 17/03/2013 18:59

Do you think he behaved so badly that he left you with no choice?

But has manipulated the situation so that it looks like it was your choice?

Where's he gone? 2 days isn't really enough is it?

ObscuredByClouds · 17/03/2013 18:54

Well, after the events of last night I have asked him to leave and give me space. He's away for 2 nights.

Initially he maintained its down to me to change, that he was going to find somewhere else to live etc but now he wants us to 'use this time wisely'.

OP posts:

cjel · 17/03/2013 17:26

I know what you mean by things being a blessing. My DH took another woman out for lunch when he was feeling low and apparently I was lucky as he had been looking for escorts online as he was so unhappy!!! That was my blessing and reason to leave. I am 18months in and soooo happy I no longer have that tummy feeling. people say I have been through so much (They don't know what I went through in the 1st 30 yrs) they can't believe how well I'm doing. I can its great!!!

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 15:39

Yes u r right but i did not see that til after id left, and it took violence to get me to leave. he still acted hard done by. i was selfish. i was cold-hearted. he doesnt acknowledge even the physical abuse, never mind the other kinds!!!
why is it that i needed him to understand WHY i was leaving him it's a mystery to him.

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