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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am furious with my husband.

166 replies

AuntLucyInPeru · 12/03/2013 22:37

We work together in our worn company. There was a networking 'do' on tonight 6-8.30 (10 mins walk fromhome) so I suggested he go as it was more his line of work than mine. He went to the pub afterwards and ignored my calls/ texts for an hour asking him where he was and if he was coming home. At 9pm he called, said he'd gone for ONE drink with an interesting new contact an would be back soon. An hour ago. Still in the fucking pub, pretending he can't hear his phone. EVERY FUCKING TIME he goes for a 'networking drink' it's the same. Home 3am throwing up everywhere and being a bolshy drunk. We're not talking every month. We're talking a couple of times a year. I NEVER do this. I am fucking furious. We have a 3yr old and 5 yr old so i can't even leave the house to drag the cunt home. What do I fucking do now.

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 13/03/2013 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AuntLucyInPeru · 13/03/2013 00:42

Finally all calm here. Off to bed. Thanks for your support, peeps. Will reflect on what you've all said.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 13/03/2013 00:45

it's not about blaming the op. If my h had come home pissed and thrown up everywhere no way would I have cleaned it up after him. (fwiw he never did but ykwim). If he came home habitually agressive and screamed at me for two hours we would have had words once he was sober, and if it became a habitual thing I would have been questioning the future of the relationship on the basis of drinking. But...

If the provokation for him coming home and screaming at me for two hours had been my calling and texting him for hours and hours while he was out then I would recognise that I could do something to prevent that from happening in future i.e. not calling and texting him constantly while he was out.

That doesn't mean that I would be to blame for the behavior, agression still isn't acceptable, but if something could be done to prevent it then why wouldn't you?

Op still hasn't answered the question - if she doesn't constantly text and call and badger him to come home, is the reaction the same?

SolidGoldBrass · 13/03/2013 00:52

OK, the aggression is unacceptable but I do think this might be a case where the OP needs to consider her own behaviour as well. Constant calling, texting and nagging does sound a bit excessive, and you say he only goes to these events twice a year - is he a generally good partner and father the rest of the time? If so, it really might be a better idea to agree in advance that when he goes to one of these events either you and DC go and stay with friends, or he stays with friends, so he either wakes up and cleans any mess he's made in the home, or he makes a mess in a friend's home and you don't have to clean it up.

Lueji · 13/03/2013 01:00

Too late now, but you could text him to find a hotel, as soon as you realise he's drunk.
And lock the doors for the night.

No need to put up with this behaviour.

McPrice · 13/03/2013 01:38

my dh does this a couple of times a year and comes home as silly as a sack. last time he did it i was months preggers with ds. he works an hour and a half commute away in central london so i worry about him catching the last train back then the 4mins walk back always takes longer at a stagger. i blame it on his stupid workmates and his inanility to say no to one last drink. i dont start txting or phoning till about last orders tho just so i know hes safe on the train instead of getting mugged. this os when he ignores me. then when hes on his way back i get the arselicking txts of i love u. when he gets home i broke the arguement cycle and threw his pillow downstairs and told him tp sleep on the sofa. he did and was cross with me in the morning but itmade my nights sleep easierwithout snorry beer breathWink

mabongwen · 13/03/2013 02:03

Ah mine does this, but no shouting. But I also don't phone and text every 5mins

He says hes going out, I say fine no problem roughly what time will you be back? I then add about 3hours on to the answer he gives me. I go to bed, he generally wakes me up at my guestimated time of his arrival. He is sick, sobs a little confesses his undying love for me then promptly passes out in his vomit Sad I roll him on his side leave him in it, sleep in the spare room away from the smell.

Wake him up at 7:30am sharp with a saucepan and a spoon! mwahahaha Grin

Jemma1111 · 13/03/2013 06:01

No wonder your H gets pissed when he goes out TWICE a year, I would imagine the thought of going home to you kicking off would be a total nightmare to him.

You are NOT his mother !, stop acting like a fishwife and he may want to come home to you more sober in future.

PureedGoodness · 13/03/2013 06:10

Very possessive and completely controlling by the op. He sounds like he is under the thumb. Just leave him be when he goes out!! You make yourself look like a bunny boiler and very needy. Men hate to be nagged. They dont want another mother as their wife!! You will gain far more respect and "brownie points" by telling him to go have a good time and leaving him alone. Who knows he probably would have come home at a reasonable hour if you hadnt kept on calling and texting him!!

ohforfoxsake · 13/03/2013 06:19

You only need to send one text.

"I'm going to bed. You're on the sofa, duvet and bucket there. Don't wake me up. See you in the morning."

SpecialAgentKat · 13/03/2013 06:28

A bunny boiler? Wow, new levels of harsh.

Perhaps OP has anxiety issues related to him drinking because he is a scary drunk, which leads to her trying to stop it happening which leads to more man-child drinking because of panic-nagging?

I'm very high strung. Due to deep rooted personal issues, DH knows I need to know he's at least alive (which yes, can lead to pathetic texts/calls out of irrational panic) But that hardly makes me a bunny boiler. (FWI, the bunny boiler was the OW not the wife..)

My biggest issue would be the mess he makes. Does he just expect you to clean his puke or do you just do it on the spot because it's disgusting? As disgusting as I would find it, if my DH did this, DC and I would be in our room with a chair against the door and a pillow and the itchy, uncomfortable blanket no onne uses a blanket on the couch. Aggression and puke are the last things I want to deal with in the early hours.

Sorry your DHis not a nice drunk OP, which I think (other than the yuckyness) is the issue. Never try to engage with a mean drunk. Rationalisations don't work. Just make sure you and your DC get a peaceful night sleep with no grossness.

NoTimeForS · 13/03/2013 06:35

Good grief. I can't believe the people blaming the OP. I imagine from 7pm she was on edge, fearing the night ahead, and remembering the last big talk where her DH promised this and that and to stay in touch if he goes out. Asking if he wanted his dinner isn't controlling. The way the OP reacted next - texting frequently - was because she knew what was coming. Ok it doesn't work and it didn't stop it but Ffs it isn't nagging!

OP, I think your husband clearly has a drinking problem.
I think you really really should call the police if he ever comes home aggressive again. It isn't acceptable. You are letting him pretend it isn't as bad as it is by cleaning his vomit and taking his shouting. Maybe if he had to see how it really is, face the consequences, he'd have to stop pretending so much.
I know you are protecting the children and you don't want a big scene but he is creating the situation, it is not your fault if he gets removed from the home for the night, it is not your fault if the children see him.
This sort of thing can completely kill the love you have for someone, no matter how much of a good partner they are the rest of the time.
In a few years you won't be able to stop the DC from witnessing this sort of crap and it'll probably become your job to minimise it to them. IME, they will never respect their father and they'll always be very slightly afraid of him because they know he can't keep control of himself.

SpecialAgentKat · 13/03/2013 06:39

I totally agree NoTimeForS

Victim blaming is quite disgusting.

NoTimeForS · 13/03/2013 06:41

Speak to the AA too, for yourself OP. And your GP.

They won't tell you to be a wife not a mother and it'll all be hunky dory. Sheesh. I am disgusted at the pandering to a shouty weepy addict here. He isn't acting much like a man, is he? Sounds like an unpredictable man sized tantrumming toddler to me.

NoTimeForS · 13/03/2013 06:46

Thanks Agent. I am glad it isn't just me.

AllOverIt · 13/03/2013 06:47

How are you this morning OP?

SPBInDisguise · 13/03/2013 06:49

Oh yes its all the ops fault. He drive him to it Hmm.

CheeryCherry · 13/03/2013 07:01

Not blaming anyone, sounds like serious relationship/trust/respect issues going on. But my brother used to do this...if he called for a pint, he knew he'd get a bollocking, so started to stay out til he was legless....deduced he may as well have a great night out and get moaned at, than just a pint, and get moaned at. Not saying it's right, but I understood his point. Hope things are better this morning OP.

SpecialAgentKat · 13/03/2013 07:12

Well maybe it's just me, but if I go fr a drink with friends and if my DH texted me concerned, I wouldn't puff up and drink more to 'prove a point,' which equates to punishment. Why doesn't anyone see that?!

AThingInYourLife · 13/03/2013 07:16

Your husband is an alcoholic like his Dad.

His behaviour last night was totally unacceptable and part of a pattern of unacceptable behaviour.

The only mistake you made was thinking you could affect him in any way.

You can't.

Get in touch with Al-Anon or one if the organisations for the families of alcoholics.

You don't have to live with a man who treats your home like this.

It is dangerous, scary and horrible for you and your children.

Tubegirl · 13/03/2013 07:33

Interesting array of posts here. My XH was a binge drinker and I too lived with his nights out. We often talked about his behaviour rationally in the morning as I soaked his blood stained t-shirts (he'd get into fights), cleaned up broken glass (he'd decide he hated me and throw them at me), or applied arnica to bruises (mine from when he decided he loved me and wanted to 'Make love' to me). His behaviour wasn't my fault. I tried reacting in diferent ways to it because for a long time he told me it was my fault and I believed him. It wasn't my fault, and it isn't yours either OP. I would urge you to seek some RL support as you shouldn't be living with this kind of thing, in my experience it only ever escalates.

roughtyping · 13/03/2013 07:34

SpecialAgent I totally agree - bizarre!

OP, I'm sorry this happened. You do need to be tough. My OH used to behave like this and it was always all my fault. The poster who said that you start getting anxious, dreading the night ahead has hit the nail on the head. My OH has not had a drink for 18 months now and he is a much better person for it. I have no issues with him going out at all because I know how he'll behave when he's home - like an adult.

Tubegirl · 13/03/2013 07:40

Totally agree with Roughtyping- the anxiety starts the minute they start getting ready to go out. I remember it now, a stomach churning and adrenalin flowing feeling that gets steadily worse all evening, almost bad enough to make you feel physically sick.

Kione · 13/03/2013 07:43

I think there two different issues here. H going out twice a years and getting shitfaced is not out of the ordinary, mine does it more often than that, not always vomitting, but so do I, no vomit but told him wouldn be too late and get home VERY late Blush we dont wait awake, the drunk one sleeps in the spare room and the sober one takes care of DD in the morning. We are both entitled to a bit if fun and take it in turns Grin
Now, the shouting, arguing and vomiting every time is not ok. Vomitting I guess you cant avoid but make him clean it. But you have to tackle the shouting and arguing, either by going to bed and ignoring him or sleeping somewhere else or asking him to book a hotel; if the serious talking doesn't work.
I am not blaming op, I just think she could avoid getting so worked up.

Bambalam · 13/03/2013 07:49

I have real sympathy OP, having previously experienced some of this myself.

I think SpecialAgent hits the nail on the head about your anxiety feeding into it. It's the predictability that makes it worse - you to through both the event and the preamble.

How are things this morning? Although on seconds thoughts, he won't be up yet. What is your usual approach - confront him as soon as he wakes, stew all day or will he be apologising to you?

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