Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

he said he had stopped to have some toast first because he was hungry

Sounds like deliberate malice to me, mink.

trust, sorry you're having a tough time.

determined - was it you saying you wanted to wait till GCSEs had happened? Sounds like it won't wait that long. :( Glad your dd is safe.

determined just to add :( for your poor DD.

Good evening ladies (I hope? not read all posts yet, be back later to do that)

Just wanted to say - agreeing with others about justifications and explanations and accomodations Trust A simple ignoring, or if you must a restatement of the times and rejection of others being welcome in your home via skype. I had the same convo with DD re FW and really anyone skyping, just to arrange and check times with me first out of respect, and I would not allow fw /fwgf into our home! (DD doesn't like me to 'let people in' via skype either so I check with her too.) no way, no how! He is expecting a huge well hes entitled though right! amount. Also, they just don't get that 30 mins in a bedtime routine is wayyy wayy too much, as is taking half an hour out f your life most days a week. You are trying so hard to accommodate him. Unless the phone rings within some mins of half past when you are ready and expecting call then just ignore. He will always use this to mess around. He is not respecting his DSs life and bedtime routine (unfortunately he's treating it as if this is about you) Having said that it does have to suit you too, and if its too many nights for you, then its too many nights. Does DS miss him if he doesn't get a call one night? Then who is the call for? Should only be for DS and sounds like rather a lot. Especially when FW can't manage to prioritise that time. Yes you are working harder than him at this and you don't have to, unless you really want to inadvisable

Bloom its not naturally something we find easy, any of us, especially when worn down by abusive FW, to be accused by him of everythin being our fault and trying to fight against that. Its quite freeing to just accept that they have to blame us, the emphasis being on this is how he is rather than anything based in reality, or in fact to do with us! The FW here blames me for the difficulties in his new relationship!! (bearing in mind all I do is ignore him! and you'd think they'd be happy now wouldn't you and getting on with their new life, but instead they both like to shout and abuse me - I guess everyone needs a hobby heh?). I'm also to blame for his anger (whilst again, having nothing to do with him atall - so yes, I guess thats true because I won't engage with him on any level now because having gone through all the levels realise there isn't one on which he can be reasonable or make any sense, so I just ignore the FW now). Its very freeing! Most important to know that you don't have to listen to his lies or blame, and that he'll just continue to do regardless of anything atall!

Just want to say, WA, save my sanity! also here! LLoTT xx

fi at them both shouting at and abusing you.

I wonder if she does it to defect him from doing it to her or if they really are a pair of star crossed twunts who have finally met there matches. who cares i suppose.

good for you freeing yourself from it.

In the course of the shouting conversation, I told him I couldn't cope any more and that us ending it was a very real option. I have agreed to counselling so that if that doesn't work, and it won't, them he can't accuse me of not trying. I will not spend the rest of my life with this man.

trust i do know it is hard not to had your right of reply when they are making shit up. But not engaging is ultimately more satisfying. i picture him behaving like rumplestiltskin stomping his furious little foot until he falls right through the floor.

If it is annoying if he phones outside allowed time switch the phone off so you don't have to hear it ring.

And at Disney. that old trick.

Re deliberate malice. that would assume he had even got past thinking about himself. Sigh. mostly he just thought what he wanted and what suited him. it was like the always getting himself dried first at the pool and leaving the kids freezing. well naturally, why not, otherwise he would get cold. It would not even occur to him not to.

same as if it is a choice between turning up late fir the kids or going to the gym if he gets held up from work. well obviously the gym comes first.

Self first. always.

Mink yes indeed, I was hopeful that a new gf would mean more protection for DD, but she became quite depressed and really angry too, especially after visits... turned out the gf was really abusive! So yes, match definitely made in hell.

Determined kind of think the same, trying to do stuff to counteract the 'blame' (not trying) when you don't have to atall, you've obviously had enough don't try to jump through any more hoops. He'll just have to blame you for that, and for everything else he can lay his hands on, he'll do it anyway - will you ever have given the counselling 'long enough' for instance.. it will just go on ad infinitum... you've had enough now thats all that mattters? isn't it?

yeah Mink Disney Dad.. how about promising the world (all the things that he knows DD dreams of?) and then telling her she's 'stupid' and 'silly' if badly wanted thing doesn't materialise? And then constantly back-tracking to oh yes we will get that thing now, the lures, the promises, the treats, and the hollow enticements. Those things get to me when I see the pain these things cause in endless disappointments, along with the twisting for DC when FW continually tries to put them in the middle. I'm sure these are things that resonate with many?

Hello all

I was directed to this thread by one of the posters on a thread I started in Relationships - sorry I don't know how to link to it.

Feeling really confused about whether my DP is emotionally abusive, and wanted to ask does it have to be done deliberately to class as EA? DP has said some terrible stuff to me recently but I know he believes it all 100% and is not just messing with my head.

Sorry I don't really know what I'm asking, just feel v confused! Think I should go back to lurking...

Thank you, hello!
It's 'totally lost and confused please help!'

That title basically sums me up at the mo

Hi Horror

can be hard posting first time in that place of needing validation and not so sure, etc. you are very welcome here.

I can say my ex thoroughly believes himself, and that he is entitled to speak/treat me/us the way he does. I think I hear that from all the other posters here too. Very rarely is there any acceptance of any misdemeanor on their part (I received one or two glimpses of this in over 10 yrs of it).

So its more important I think for you to understand how you feel and to not place such emphasis on his beliefs in himself (which are probably huge!). If confusion/confused/confuses words were counted on this thread I reckon they'd top the bill of highest usage apart from FW that is

Please do feel most welcome to come and share some examples if you feel comfortable with that. The ladies here are above all gentle, kind and supportive. take care xx

Welcome vac, imho no it does not have to be done deliberately. With the appropriate sets of beliefs and values, this stuff flows naturally out of them. (eg min's FW at the pool putting himself before the kids without a thought)

I'm not sure I buy that arguement that if you can hold back at work, then you can hold back at home. People are in a different starting place at home, they feel they can be themselves. Thus at times I could weep and wail at home, expecting support of some kind from FW(!) but keep it together at work.

And perhaps that's the nub. They do feel they can be themselves at home - that entitled person who is always right...

Horror its here

Thanks fairyfi and silvery

Tbh I feel like a bit of an interloper on this thread, I have lurked a few times and read the links at the top but couldn't see us in there in any clear cut way - glimpses maybe but that's all.
I bought the Beverly Engels book to try to work out whether it was me or him being abusive but it made me more confused!

The thing is that our relationship was basically ok until I had DD, and then I changed hugely. And then lots of external stressors happened at once and I treated him really badly for quite a while.

So although I know he is out of order with the VA and threats, I feel like I started it so I have to take it or something. Does that make sense?

External stressors have a habit of happening at once, everyone finds this out, it happens to everyone sooner or later.

Can you say how you changed when you had DD?

BTW I treated mine v v badly, did my utmost to make it up to him, even if I hadn't it is no excuse for him being a FW. I have honestly tried to work on my own flaws and have made definite improvement, but FW did not, just descended into further FWittery (the passive verbal sort, including not replying to anything I said, or else contradicting anything I said).

having a baby was a catalyst for me, as I put the baby first and tried to be someone in my own home!

Please feel free, you are not interloping

Life sounds to have been absolutely awful for you, I'm really sorry about things you're going through and been through.

Please stop blaming yourself for how you reacted after the baby was born. If you behaved in that way and he was always trying to calm not blame, get cross from time to time or exasperated, but could talk, etc. thats different, but he was no innocent bystander and you made very distinct changes to rectify the out of contro situation, whereas he is refusing too and basically holding you to ransom for everything you've ever done.

He sounds like the worst MH practioner I've ever heard of, and one that needs to take responsibility for his own MH before palming labels off on everyone else. His psych/patient approach in the counselling has been obvious, he projects that he is superior and you must have MH issues! His reaction to the counselling seems classic, that none of it will ever be his fault.

He has no right whatsoever to punish you for your changed behaviour, which you have apologised for again and again, if he cannot deal with and move on, that is his problem and its time for HIM to leave. As a profoundly amazing MH worker it is a miracle that he didn't diagnose you with PND!

he is being highly abusive to you and your DD.

imho [humble]

Welcome, vac. Have just read through most of your thread, and think he sounds awful. Abuse does often seem to hide away until a child is born.

He is EA. Many things in your clearly-expressed OP point to it. I have sympathy with your confusion, though - for nine months I've been posting on this thread, mostly feeling in a muddle and like I didn't really belong here but wanting to be told I did and it really wasn't ok, iyswim. Be patient: it takes time to see through it all, especially the manipulation.

If you can bear to try another book, the best by far is this one. I wasn't sure my H was in the links at the top, but definitely saw him in this. It is a much-recommended book and rightly so.

Ladies, we have 150 posts left to get our thread resolutions achieved!!

Welcome vac you will get some great advice and support here (not great advice from me because I'm not very good but support from me and great advice from everyone else, oh dear I've confused myself now).

Who was it who said they had just "left" their H? I can't remember now. Did you leave a note? Did they frantically try to get hold of you?

It seems like yesterday that we had a shiny new thread!