Hi everyone,
Just reading through.
trust, I read your post about your DP's attitude to your DS with a sinking heart. One of the major reasons I left FW in the end was his attitude to DD, not his biological child. Some things stand out at me from what you have said:
- blaming a child's behaviour for their unreasonable behaviour - as you say, who is the adult
- that you feel you have to police your child's behaviour to prevent your partner getting annoyed (now it may be something you would like to improve anyway, but you note that you try to get him to eat with his mouth closed so that your DP approves, not because it is more socially acceptable (with DD, it was not eating with her elbow on the table, FW started to actually push it off, rather than ask her to not do it, have to confess it was not a biggie for me, as she didn't do it in a slovenly way, just sometimes when she was not paying attention, so if I told him not to push her arm, I was undermining him and stabbing him in the back etc etc etc)
- it was always me who was apparently stressed and anxious the whole time, and that was why FW reacted the way he did (wonder why I was stressed and anxious?)
- not caring what DD was watching or doing, if he wanted to do something else, his needs came first - though this was also true with me, he just achieved it in a different manner (criticising my choice, talking through it etc)
He also used to wind her up, even though I asked him not to, to the stage where she would storm off or say 'FW's name' is annoying me' and then he would say, well, you annoy me too. It did get to the stage that whenever we had words, somehow it was DD's fault, he started to criticise what I bought her, the time I spent tidying her room, there was an absolute standoff on Christmas Day which I won't go into, but I cannot forgive him for, as that was my Christmas day with her, and then he pushed her over in an altercation (which was apparently her fault too, and for me, the final straw).
The thing is, it didn't start out like that all the time, mostly, he seemed quite caring, obviously, but there were a few moments, I look back now, and I think, okay, that was not right. And actually, at least one of them, I nearly did walk, but he blamed back pain so I thought, okay, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Actually, there was another time, he laid into DD for not vacating the bathroom quick enough, and I told him to leave. DC2 was five days old at that point, he walked out the door and I was a sobbing mess, thinking what have I done, so he came back. I know I did the right thing, as I did everything I could to try to make the relationship work, including calling him on his behaviour to her, but if there is one thing I feel really, really sorry for, it is that I let him treat my precious girl badly.
I am not trying to say, leave your DP or anything like that, quite possibly I am projecting too much from my own experience and I don't want to make you feel worse in any way at all - but do keep an eye on his behaviour, trust your instincts, you are both under stress, and people don't always behave well under stress, but as you know and you say, your DS is stuck in the middle of a situation he did not create and he is not the adult here. All good wishes.