Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Here's a laugh...my ExFWH is American and lived to put on sirs and graces...he'd sort of fall into this half-arsed mid-Atlantic cross between a southern drawl and clipped British accent coupled with this odd pinched looking-down-his-nose expression - he looked and sounded such an ultimate FW when he did it! What did Zi ever see in that man - every single moment and memory feel and felt often at the time like nothing but phobey behaviour.

Snow - your story is exactly what I fear... I really hope this is short lived and isolated because so far DS adores DP and is so happy we moved in with him...I feel sick thinking I may have judged it all wrong and to have to dash DS hopes of a decent father...

Noraluca - my FWexH is also a non national. I've got some experience with dealing with international stuff if you'd like some pointers?

But just briefly, mink old flame is single. Cannot work out if contact really a good thing. Kind of agree with Fi run for the hills. But have known him 21 years, long story, fell out of touch when I met FW as FW jealous, even though we were long over. Got back in touch 2 years ago as old flame in ICU, since then, occasional texts, one visit which was all above board and FW knew about. Old flame phoned because he wanted to hear my voice. He knows I am single as we have mutual friends, though I said I did not want to see him yet. He wants to take me somewhere, has said kids can come, will pay babysitters, whatever I want. I told him to wait.

Need to go to bed. Too much thinking about the past.

trust thank you. I guess there's no easy way of dealing with this situation - if the other parent wants to take their child on holiday to their own country, you can't legally prevent them and just have to trust them. That's how I understand it anyway, unless there was physical abuse then it's different. I don't have any specific questions - all I really want is a way of being sure that H will tell me beforehand if he decides to take the DDs abroad! I don't think it's likely but it's possible and it scares me.

Nora, I have not cried either. Sorry to hear about your mum, though, that is frightening. All the best to her.

breathe enjoy your time with your mum!

trust you have something i only found in November. This thread. You are aware, so my situation will not happen to you. I could see things were wrong, I felt things were wrong, but for a long time i thought it was me. Knowledge is power. I hope things come good for you.

thank you Leclerc yes all regrets are to do with the DDs, I want them to be happy and they aren't, really. DD2 cries because she wants us all to be together and wants "Mummy and Daddy both there at home after school and when she eats her tea" The sad thing is that she is crying for something that never was - when me & H were living together we never had happy family teatimes all sat around the table together. It would be me & DDs eating in silence in the kitchen while he ate on his own in another room. Then if we laughed or spoke too loud he would come storming in and yell at me for letting the girls mess about.

It is strange but when he is on his own with the DDs he is nothing like this - strict, yes, but he doesn't do the Victorian-father-on-steroids act.

struggling with keeping eyes open, as despite DD's sleepover (or non-sleep over) she's far more -determined to stay- awake than me.

Am hoping that small largish glass of chardonnay will fix things for next hour!

Match CSA will deduct 1/7 from total for every night stayed over, only on a weekly basis though (so once every week). Once or twice a month doesn't make a difference.

I do agree about the kind of things being said

trust am agreeing with Snow's points on blaming child for childish behaviour, and the other points very well.

heartily agree, for both your sakes (unborn and you) everything over to solicitors.. detach and ignore him... You have said that once, and once is enough (for normal people - FWs can often take a lot longer to sink in!)

and Dillie ooooo lucky lucky pipeline lady!

concerned I may have mixed up names?? but thats me being very doh! tonight, if I have sorries all round xx

Silvery gonna accuse the MN posty of hot-footing it away with juicy pm that I returned to you!

Have now managed to force get DD into a 'sort of' bed, infront of fire and telly for sat night treat, how pathetic am I!.. oooo she's yawning... yay!

Nite all.. me now... xxx

nora who has their passports?
And as you have parental responsibility- both of you do presumably, it is worth checking- not sure he can take them out of the country. but at least if you hold their passports he Will need those first, no?

Been thinking about it and i think the idea that all men 'are a bit shit' is one if the ideas the FWs try to sell us and also possibly society sells it to.

So we Will settle fir what we have got and not expect too much of them.

Ex used to tell me, well men just are not meant to do childcare. we cannot tolerate kids as well as women. etc. etc.

And my my used to tell me well your dad never did that much when you were little. difference was my dad paid all the bills and although he shouted at us occasionally he never shouted at my mum or called her or us names or took her for granted. he just kept up what was considered his side of bargain- work, dishes, diy, occasionally looking after kids. it was the seventies. and he did not expect my mum to thank him every five minutes. and he always thanked her for his tea (did not say wtf is this supposed to be? Etc.)

So he was not perfect but he was not lazy or entitled. yet my mum keeps trying to train me that- well men are a bit rubbish you are lucky if they Do anything and you should not provoke them. Fuck knows why she does it.

Trouble was ex was still in 70s but paid no bills, no diy. So i had to do both and he expected a medal.

So what i am trying to say is not all men are shit but the FWs would like us to believe they are cos it makes them look better.

Hi Nora, good to hear from you, though sorry things aren't better - you are still trapped to an extent, aren't you? The 50/50 care and the overseas issue - have you spoken to a solicitor? I don't know much about all this, but thought that 50/50 usually wasn't in the best interests of the child.

And changing the subject and tone completely, I cannot imagine snogging anyone, unsuitable or suitable, ever. I think I'm totally screwed up about it - isn't that a shame? I need snogging therapy! :o Be hard, but I'd have a go at it!!

About the snogging. Neither could I, Charlotte, neither could I.

Hey, that gives me hope - maybe! If hope in that direction is what I want!

First of all - how'd it get so late??? Was watching a film, could've sworn it was 10.30pm, not 11.30pm!

Snowshapes, I read your post from a couple of hours ago with an open mouth thinking 'Are you me?' FW used to do the exact same to DS1 about insisting no elbows on the table (and to me too ), banging his knife on DS1's plate v loudly if he felt DS1 wasn't eating fast enough, etc. I hated mealtimes. DS1 was 4.5 when he met FW, just started in P1.

Nora he needs your permission to take them out of the country, no matter what the split situation (although you can only enforce that effectively if you hold their passports). You can deny that permission if you consider there to be a risk of flight with him, I'm sure. Best to speak to a solicitor. Also, if they cannot stay the night at their dad's without you, maybe best to say no overnights at the moment? You are bending over backwards to accommodate his needs. You don't need to do that. You are doing fab lovely, it's all baby steps. (I am nearly a year out, and it's still baby steps for me.)

Anyway, I seem to have lost an hour this evening! And it's not even clocks forward for a couple of weeks! Grrrrrr. G'night all. xx

Aargh, why can I not sleep when I am so tired? Both DC asleep and I have been awake for an hour. What is that about?

YY to the all men being a bit useless idea. FW really did say I could cope with 5 hours broken sleep and expected me to function normally (ie sweetness and light) because I am a woman. He on the other hand was like a bear with a sore head if he got any less than 8 hours. He abesnted himself from the marital bed when DC2 was born so his snoring would not disturb me more, having not given a flying fk about this for four years previously. I work in a predominantly male environment, the guys are a bit macho, lots of male posturing, but will be takng time off for kids too, have kids in work etc.They are not really all useless, I don't think.

On a lighter note, in a bid to help me update my sadly lacking wardrobe, my dear friend turned up with some fuchsia pink skinny jeans for me. We had been chatting about the wardrobe issue so she was being kind, not rude. But I have never worn skinny jeans in my life, let alone hot fuschia pink. How tight are skinny jeans supposed to be?

Would post in chat but am a scaredy cat. I am wondering if i need a bigger size

Hi noraluca

There'a a lot you can do :)

You need to get a prohibitive steps order (which country is he from btw because that can have a huge bearing on how you present your case) or you can get a residency order which prevents anyone who is nor the residential parent from taking the children out of the country without your written permission and for no longer than 28 days.

Right...who has the children's passports? You? Lock them away safe. Next - once you have either a PS or residency order you can get a caveat put on those passports - this means thst the other parent cannot apply for new passports without your signature. You can also, at the same time, request knowledge of whether or not duplicate passports have or are being processed without your knowledge.

Theres more you xan read about - such as getting the prevention pack from Reunite.

If your partner is from a non Hague Convention 1984 country (or one that is a Hague convention country but with a history of slow or non-compliance) I would do this asap. If P is from EU then Brussles II and not Hague will apply.

Were kiddos born here and if not how long have they been living here? You are British correct?

Anyway..thats the most important stuff I can think of. You can read return of children to their country of habitual residence (and habitual residence is a key concept here that has bearing on how these cases go) cases at the HHCC website. You can get a good feel for exactly what goes on in these cases for reassurance and to highlight the importance in having your ducks in a row ahead of time)

If you would like links to websites etc let me know and Ill message you

HTH

trust that's a great post - I actually forgot I have a residency order for DS1, which is why I said about being able to stop them being taken abroad. Woods, sorry.
First post ever from my phone, phew it's hard work so will get onto laptop laterssss .

trust that is really helpful. What is Brussels II though and where can I find out more? Sorry, I know you were answering Nora.

Sorry, the jeans thing is too trivial, but I find clothes buying stressful, there was never time/money for me to go, and FW always had a view, in fact, would have chosen for me, actually now I think on it, did, so the last time I ordered something on-line, I got into a panic knowing if it was okay. I can't explain that on chat. Have decided to go to shop and try on a bigger size and see which I think looks best, with DDs advice. And maybe change the colour, though I kind of like it.

Anyway, wish everyone a peaceful as possible Sunday

Woops , obviously. Not woods. Gah.

yy to FWs making us think that all men are like them.
Think making themselves feel good is only a small part of it, though.
They are so up themselves that to say self doubt is not one of their problems is the understatement of the century.
I think it is another power thing.
We are quite obviously stark staring mad to think they a man can or should behave with respect and decency.
FWEX used to tell me that I should have married someone with a less important job if I wanted a husband and father who took any interest in my or the children's needs.
He said this quite seriously.
Actually, he said this in a tone which was really aggressive, so I would shut up with my ridiculous demands like could he get home before 9 a couple of days a week so he would see the children.
And to complete the head fuck he would say both of these
I can't possible commit to any time ever
I get home before 9 all the time - (all the clocks must have been wrong, then )

Hi Snow, the jeans aren't too trivial! I think go by what you feel physical comfort wearing. And if you like the colour, then it's the right colour for you. They sound lovely!

YY to the fw brainwashing about other men being the same and aren't we lucky. Mine said volatility (aka violence and screaming abuse) was normal in a relationship and if I wasn't such a "fucking coward" about his "normal" volatility, our marriage wouldn't have broken down. Sorry, think I've said that before on here but it stung!

Fingers yy to the head fuck description, mine does similar all the time.

trust amazing post, very helpful re the legal side of things! I have a PS order and it was relatively easy to get though boy did I get a lot of abuse about my "fucking lies and fantasy" from the fw - however, the judge signed my scribbled-in-haste justification statement, saying he believed it to be entirely true having talked to me about it in court. Not scary, very supportive. The court and judge that is! As for the fw - that's where the scares lie!

Blimey my dcs are rampaging downstairs playing very loud music ha ha! Better go and see to them and get them out of house for some fresh air. Catch up later, ladies.