Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

999 replies

foolonthehill · 08/03/2013 22:19

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 13/03/2013 12:23

How's DS, Match?

FairyFi · 13/03/2013 12:28

E to help the skin match eat (avocado) and topically. D seems to have beneficial effects too, although not very practical with the sun right now! (Ultra violet kills the virus, although you can get the D supplement)

... but it seems that vitamin C in large doses kills the virus (too much vit c, makes for very runny bum).

so, a short term boost might help... no doc tho! just wish I could remember clearly which one I used which made such a dramatic difference. good luck x

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 13/03/2013 12:28

I think it is drowsy making, Fi. However, I am farming him out to FW tonight as FW will either be looking after him ( his one redeeming feature, excellent with sick kids) or taking him to my dgm's.
Arth I have deposited him in his cot as he was clearly knackered, despite him protesting loudly he seems to have gone off. However, it sounds like armageddon next door, so if he can sleep through that he's better than me!
Breathe, you let rip! Good on ya!

minkembra · 13/03/2013 12:47

You go Breath

BreatheandFlyAway · 13/03/2013 12:54

Right all done now. Court couldn't do anything other than let existing order stand as fw didn't come. I have made appt with sol week after next (he's on holiday) and have said it is to proceed with issuing divorce. Will tell fw tomorrow as dm arrives Thursday.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 13/03/2013 12:58

He really isn't doing himself any favours by not turning up is he breathe? Hopefully telling him with your dm there will take the wind out of his sails.

FairyFi · 13/03/2013 12:58

phew! Fly doesn't he lose some rights by not acknowledging/turn up though?

It was vit K Match - and that is a huge bonus to have Fw good with sick kids!

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 13/03/2013 13:05

Cheers Fi I didn't know you could buy that. Thought it was just what they inject newborns with Blush
Yes FW is actually better with them when they're ill than me as tiredness makes me really narky if they're up multiple times in the night. I don't think FW needs as much sleep as me Grin

MrsMorton · 13/03/2013 13:16

You have to be careful with vitamin K. It really affects blood clotting!

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 13/03/2013 13:27

I've just put him some virasoothe on it along with the piriton. Hopefully it will go soon and tonight isn't my problem anyway

FairyFi · 13/03/2013 13:29

spinach, broccoli, cabbage, turnip... all high in vit K - oh yes, and liver! yum yum kids!!

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 13/03/2013 13:34

Just had the garage ring and tell me it's going to be £145 for new brake shoes and the leaking cylinder repaired. Something else FW used to do for me. Have never paid for any work done at a garage. Oh well, a small price to pay for total freedom I guess.

ponygirlcurtis · 13/03/2013 13:45

Breathe glad you are getting things moving. What was the order for again? What if he doesn't turn up next time either, will they decide he's stalling and just make some decisions? Good luck with telling FW - you'll need a stiff drink in the pub later...

MrsMorton · 13/03/2013 14:04

Me: what time will you be home
NSDH: normal time
Me: is that about 1700
NSDH: stop panicking, probably.

WTF am I panicking abt? I said this and he said oh well you've asked me a lot lately. Whatever, I don't even care any more.

Aaarghhhhhh. Deep breaths.

TisILeclerc · 13/03/2013 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 13/03/2013 16:28

fly good luck..

here - argh so after all the texts telling me how abusive/neurotic/etcetc i am..more overnight "you ahve broken this family, ruined the dc lives" etcetc....i then get email "I will see the people at xxxx next week and will ask them, if you confirm back to me by email your consent, to arrange first stage of parental conflict resolution therapy to be able to move later on to further discussion in another external service? There is no reason why we could not talk in an adult manner about any issues and to do so in a civilise, friendly, constructive and non-expensive way for the benefit of our health and the health and sake of our children."

eh?
no; no reason at all...but FW is incapable of doing so...as evidenced by the series of texts... i have sat in mediator type room with him and it becomes him saying: "she did this to me; she did that to me; in 2004 she said that xxxx; in 2008 she lied to the police, accusing me of xxxxx ; in xxxxx etcetc " leaving no room for any forward movement...

and can you sign the PR papers please ? (he doesnt have PR as all born pre 2003 + never married)

nooo.. i know in court he may well get PR signed but am not inclined to do so while he continues to act in a way not consistent with good parenting... no financial support, no nothing...

Dillie · 13/03/2013 16:41

breathe been thinking of you today. Glad it went OK, but shame your fw couldn't be assed to turn up!

Stick with it mrsm

leclerc hope your students do OK.

As for me well I had another hypnotherapy/counselling session for the loneiness. I really feel its helping. It doesn't seem to hold as much power over me as it used to. I also noticed that the night doesn't scare me so much either.

Told her of what fw did to dd about forcing her to have a cuddle and saying 'that goes without saying' to a 7 year old who asked 'you do love me? Don't you daddy?' after he did not say it automatically.

It broke my heart into little pieces to hear dd ask that. How on earth is a 7yo going to understand what he means?!

My therapist asked if I felt that he is now trying to hurt me through dd. I told her it sure feels like it, and he knows it hurts me more than him just having a go at me :(

Also phoned the solicitor. As my financial circumstances and living arrangements will change significantly, the solicitor suggested that I hang onto the papers until I move. That way I will get full remmission on the court fees.

In some ways I am relieved as it does mean he will get the papers after I move and not before!

Hope all is well with everyone x

MrsMorton · 13/03/2013 17:01

Dillie I'm a bit Hmm about hypnosis. Do you think you have to believe in it to get any benefit IYSWIM?

Emailed a solicitor today... I'm not good at talking on the phone so couldn't call them Blush I'm not sure how to find a good one thoug tbh.
Any tips?

FairyFi · 13/03/2013 17:38

MrsM you don't have to believe in it to get the benefit, it will work without your permission IYGWIM? that is, with a good one. Tread carefully, its very hard to know who's really good at effecting change through hypnosis, especially for the client! Probably best to do lots of asking around first, over time, and not rush into anything.

Yes, for good solicitor for EA(DV), ask WA in your area, they know who has the most experience in the area.

Dillie · 13/03/2013 17:55

mrsm I don't think you have to believe in it, but you have to want it to help.

I guess its like any therapy. It will only work/help if you are willing to allow it to.

Basically she puts me in a trance state, which is just deep relaxation. She talks you through it to the point when you are 'under' Then the therapist will gives me positive suggestions that my subconscious accepts. Hypnotherapists believe that it is your sub conscious and not your conscious that govern how you react to certain situations. I think only 20% or something like that is conscious actions/thinking. The rest is going on in the background like breathing, blinking, acting on gut instinct etc. If your sub conscious has a memory or a learned behaviour that is not useful, it is this that can be healed and/or changed.

I have also had a little regression therapy where you go back to a time when you had a certain experience. That is very spooky. Although I don't 'see' anything, I certainly feel the emotion. In this case it was when I feel most lonely. You find yourself explaining the situation to the therapist who then helps you turn it into a positive memory, not by changing it, but by using your adult self to use your life experiences explain to your child self that it is OK to feel like that and to 'heal' your child self. The idea is now you have explained to your child self why the feeling is there and how best to deal with it in your own way so it holds no power over you. If that makes any sense! I have cried when I was under, I did find that very un-nerving as I struggle to cry in public, even in front of the therapist!

There are a lot of hypnotherapists out there and some are good some are bad. Most offer first half hour free so you can get a feel for them. I changed my first one as I didn't feel she was getting to the root of the way I feel. This one is much better.

It is hard to explain, and I know it sounds like a load of hippy mumbo jumbo, but personally I have found it helpful.

Unfortunately I don't think it is on the NHS as it is an alternative therapy, but you can get them recommended through your gp. This is possibly the best way to go about it.

As for my solicitor, a friend recommended them to me. Again most have a free half hour so you will need to go there and get a feel for them. Go to a few if you can. Can you take anyone with you? I took my friend for some support. It helps to have another pair of ears, as most of what was said went straight over my head as my brain was Swiss cheese at the time!

(Apols for war & peace!!)

Dillie · 13/03/2013 18:06

I have found this

www.hypnosis.me.uk/pages/whatis.html

I will shut up now! Grin

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/03/2013 18:08

My strategy for finding a sol: look on Resolution site for a family law sol in my area, and I then picked a woman who had graduated over 2 decades ago. My sol was brilliant, understanding and with much experience.

Must share a [hug] with Eternal, as Breathe mentioned upthread my depression also miraculously lifted when my decision was finally made :) However, it took a year to become free of him (and keep the commune house), which was often stressful in the extreme. Mine also seemed apathetic - he had no realistic plans or counter offer to begin with, but also PA, refusing to supply info, taking as long as the system allowed to reply, and writing slightly odd letters to sol. He also represented himself, which made things much more difficult - but otoh was no match for the negotiating skills of my sol. I spent that year on housework strike, and holed up in the master bedroom much of the time.

This thread kept me going Thanks to all :)

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/03/2013 18:10

*P as in passive

LemonDrizzled · 13/03/2013 18:17

I went first to the local divorce factory that advertises on the back of buses in my city. I didn't feel comfortable and I didnt like their colour scheme! Then I tried a smaller one with a friendly website and less aggressive profile. After half an hour with the wise old cove I saw he asked "Did you realise you were in an abusive marriage?" He is kind and tenacious and looks after me.
Funnily my STBXFW has used the first firm, who conveniently lost all reference to my visit. He has the senior partner because he is SO important but he hates it because it costs him lots!!

TisILeclerc · 13/03/2013 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.