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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just asked/told DP to leave

67 replies

macklemom · 08/03/2013 11:25

My dp of 13 years has become increasingly horrible. He has been fond of waving the "If you don't like it I 'll leave " card whenever challenged re his behaviour. This morning I just said fine, I agree that you should go.
So now I am hiding upstairs waiting for him to actually fuck off.
There is a long and difficult back story to this which I will fill in when he goes. Sorry for the drip feed - need some support. I have posted before but under different names and he has tricked me into believing he will change - I have realised for a while now that he won't.
We have four children and I am pregnant. I have a very demanding job; he is unemployed. My family all live hundreds of kilometres away.

OP posts:
pootlebug · 08/03/2013 11:28

Good on you for not accepting being treated like that any more. I am sure the coming days and weeks will have different challenges but hopefully you can move ahead with a better life for yourself and your kids. There's lots of support to be found on here, I'm sure.

Lizzabadger · 08/03/2013 11:34

Well done. Please don't take him back whatever he promises. He won't change.

Life will be so much better without him.

Original poster
macklemom · 08/03/2013 11:34

Thank you. He is now banging stuff around packing his bags. It's all high drama here. I'm sick of it- the catastrophising-. If he leaves now he never wants to see the kids again; he's going to go and overdose on heroin (he is not a heroin user ,but we are from an area where drug abuse is an issue).

OP posts:
lunar1 · 08/03/2013 11:37

Well done, it's such a brave thing to do. Hope he leaves quickly and without too much fuss

akaemmafrost · 08/03/2013 11:37

Hmm will he actually go? I am skeptical as it never seems to be that easy to get rid of these drama queens. The loud packing smacks of attention seeking and these types never do just fuck off easily I have found. V

oldwomaninashoe · 08/03/2013 11:38

Does he have life insurance Hmm

Original poster
macklemom · 08/03/2013 11:42

unfortunately no life insurance :)...
I think he will go but in the past he has not stayed gone; he has left before but come crawling back when he owes money to family members and they turf him out.
It is making me cringe to see this in black and white; if you knew me you would never think I put up with this shite.

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 08/03/2013 11:45

Change the locks when he's gone (yes I know it's illegal) and don't answer the phone to him. Don't listen to any of his threats.

You really need this excuse for a himan being out of your life.

Lizzabadger · 08/03/2013 11:46

Document any harassment and inform the police.

LemonDrizzled · 08/03/2013 11:48

Cheering for you here Macklemom you sound like a great lady! Be strong for your DC and show them what good boundaries look like. No letting him wheedle himself back in. Does he have any positives? What will you miss and how can you replace that so you don't cave in?

scaevola · 08/03/2013 11:52

It must have taken a lot to get to this point.

Stay strong.

Original poster
macklemom · 08/03/2013 11:56

He has spent the morning telling me I am sick in the head, that I have turned the children against him.
I am far from perfect but kids aren't stupid are they? They know what they see.

DP is a habitual cannabis user.
A binge drinker who becomes paranoid and verbally abusive so rarely drinks anymore.
He has attacked me physically on two occassions some years ago- these have been documented by police and gp.
He has signed up for no strings attached shag sites- but I have no evidence to say he has contacted anyone from these.
He is always screaming at our children lately- has singled one ch.ild out in particular and last night threatened her physically- knocked her drink all over her school work. This is why I will not let him back

OP posts:
Original poster
macklemom · 08/03/2013 12:02

obviously he is not a pig all the time- but I know that they never are.
He had an abusive childhood and suffers from depression and PTSD due to a horrific accident. He was doing well with treatment but has given up- I have detatched from his shit.

OP posts:
targaryen24 · 08/03/2013 12:03

What a freakin charmer macklemom Hmm

When a partner says it's in your head etc they're just trying to make you feel like it's a perception problem, your fault & that they shouldn't be held accountable. (a.k.a gaslighting...it's insidious and very cruel).

The kids have seen all that, so it's not a surprise that they think he's a bell end. Well done for not putting up with it anymore, things will improve, you'll see Smile Thanks

targaryen24 · 08/03/2013 12:04

(and plenty of people have shit childhoods and don't treat their partners like shit...I should know. Just focus on yourself & your kids. It'll all blow over & you'll be glad you did this)!

Original poster
macklemom · 08/03/2013 12:05

Lemondrizzled - he is all I have in way of support; I am a stereotype as in the product of a 'Stately Homes' childhood so no help from family; can't afford childcare but feel that my kids are at risk now so If I have to give up work I will go on benefits if I have to:(

OP posts:
Original poster
macklemom · 08/03/2013 12:06

Thankyou Targaryen24.

OP posts:
TheOriginalLadyFT · 08/03/2013 12:12

Good on you for booting out the cocklodger

It's sad that he has issues, but that is for him to resolve - it sounds like you've done what you could to support him, but there comes a time when you have to stand back and do what is right for you and your children

Get him out, keep him out and mae sure you're legally and financially protected

TheOriginalLadyFT · 08/03/2013 12:13

*make

LadySnapcase · 08/03/2013 12:13

OP, I just want to say how brave and strong you are being; you are 100% doing the right thing both for yourself and for your DC. Please get in touch with your local Domestic Violence charity; they will help support you. And remember; NOTHING HE DOES NOW IS YOUR FAULT. He is an adult and fully capable of making his own decisions, you are not responsible for his behaviour no matter how much he tries to put it on you.

Good luck Thanks

ElvisIsKing · 08/03/2013 12:14

You are definitely doing the right thing and you know you are. I have been there and that is what broke the camel's back for me in the end, the bad behaviour had started to affect my children (really only the oldest who was 4 at the time)

Well done you for defending yourself and your children

We are all here to support you, hand hold and give you any advice you may need day or night. Keep strong :)

Dryjuice25 · 08/03/2013 12:17

Sending hugs and Brew. Keep strong.You don't need this man in your life.I found my ex was became extremely EA when I was pg with dc3. Someone he thought I would suckit up because I was pg. I asked him to leave.

You will manage.I did. It will be difficult but long term benefits are awaiting. Keep posting. Really he is no catch! Why is he not employed then? Is he a feckles cocklodger? Or was is a mutual agreement that suited your family situation?

katrinefonsmark · 08/03/2013 12:18

You mustn't let him back. Not least because he traumatises your children.

Dryjuice25 · 08/03/2013 12:19

my ex became*
Somehow*

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 08/03/2013 12:20

Please do tell people in RL and maybe 101 too to let them know that he is leaving. Given his violent past, and latest outburst against your DD, it is best that they know to come quickly.

Please do expect him to change his mind and try to come back, and prepare a plan accordingly: ask neighbours to be vigilant, ask friend around, etc.

Good luck.