just asked/told DP to leave

[macklemom]

My dp of 13 years has become increasingly horrible. He has been fond of waving the "If you don't like it I 'll leave " card whenever challenged re his behaviour. This morning I just said fine, I agree that you should go.
So now I am hiding upstairs waiting for him to actually fuck off.
There is a long and difficult back story to this which I will fill in when he goes. Sorry for the drip feed - need some support. I have posted before but under different names and he has tricked me into believing he will change - I have realised for a while now that he won't.
We have four children and I am pregnant. I have a very demanding job; he is unemployed. My family all live hundreds of kilometres away.

[ElvisIsKing]

How are you getting on OP?

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Mack you sound very clear minded which is a strong tool in fighting your way out of an abusive relationship. I agree re the addiction. Like any addict he needs to sort his own self out- you can't do it for him as you know. For yours and kids sake I would second wholeheartedly what SGB said. Good luck, keep posting as it'll keep your thoughts straight.

[macklemom]

Also , the fact that I have been the breadwinner, seems to have triggered his chauvenistic tendencies, he thinks I am defective as I do not service his need nor will I take responsibility for the housework in it's entirety as I work full time.
I had been conditioned by my mother to believe that 'that's just how men are'. That there are two types of men in the world, exciting cads and dull, limp family men. A few years ago I realised that this is utter bollocks and challenged his behaviour routinely , I also called my mother on it . Once you realise something is awry, you can't just forget about it.

[macklemom]

Thank you all. It is a strange situation altogether. His violence in the past was during the better times , unprovoked and out of the blue; after binge drinking and I suspect recreational drug use.
In recent months/years it is the utter peculiarity of his behaviour which has killed respect for him. Although he clearly has substance abuse problems, it used to be a weak spliff in the garden shed before be time (all these inadequate stoners lurk in the shed!). He was always lazy around the house and a bit childish but he was funny,confident, hard working and good fun. |Since his accident (second life threatening one in his lifetime) he has suffered with chronic pain and decided to self medicate with super strong herbal cannabis- to which he is fully addicted.

Honestly I would be a fairly relaxed person, but this new stuff which is around is lethal- I would call it green heroin. So strong and addictive , his personality has changed completely, I think it has caused a psychotic episode. Our sex life dwindled because I can't feel aroused by someone I had no respect for. How my current pregnancy occurred is a million to one chance, I had been sleeping with him approximately once a month only because I felt bad. He had turned from an exciting and caring , passionate lover to a creepy fecker who would never look at my face /eyes ..just stare at my body in a dispassionate way.
His crappy lovemaking skills coincided with his use of online porn ; no shock there.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Never mind what he says, chat to WA, police etc about keeping him out of the house, pack his belongings in a binliner and leave them on the doorstep for him. And change the locks.

Even if his name is on the mortgage/tenancy agreement, a violent man (and you say this one's violence in record on more than one occasion) can be locked out of the house and banned from entering. The most important thing to remember in the early stages of getting rid of an abusive man is, no matter what he says and even though you have been trained to percieve him as Always Right and ALl Powerful, he's just an inadequate dick and definitely not above the law. The police and the courts can keep him away from you, he has no rights at all to any contact with you once he's been dumped, and WRT contact with the DC, it is legally framed as being the child's right to have contact with the parent so it's about what's best for them (and an aggressive druggie definitely isn't).

[BreatheandFlyAway]

[minkembra]

no doubt he will but that does not mean the OP has to let him back in.
see his strop as an opportunity.

if he comes back he will do it all again.

he will not change.
maybe not straight away but he will.

[akaemmafrost]

I do think that once he's been away from home comforts for a few days he's going to try and weasel his way back in, hope I am wrong though.

[minkembra]

Wishing you luck.
My ex very stropilly packed up an entire 52" telly and home cinema during his dramatic exit. (telly i never wanted that he thought I'd miss) exit slightly spoiled by the fact it took him 2 trips.
during cbeebies betime hour. the kids said "why are you packing the telly are you going on holiday?"
quite difficult to flounce out with a telly that size under your arm.

stay strong. breaking up, even with a prize specimen like my ex is never easy but it does get better. and what he deicides to do after you split is his responsibility (as is everything he has done up to now).

hope ear infection improves. although at least the dcs are providing a distraction!

[BreatheandFlyAway]

so sorry to hear about ear infection and bathroom; last thing any of you need right now. But it's up wards and on wards from here. Big (((hugs))) which are apparently not allowed on MN, sorry, )

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Mack could you make an appointment for him to fill his bin bag when you're not there? Is there anyone in RL who could meet him while you're out of the house and get his keys off him when he had his fill of bin bags

[macklemom]

I think he wants to fill another bin bag/sulk a bit ...

[macklemom]

hi all; glad it wasn't only me being prickly -thought I might be a bit oversensitive!

This thread had completely disappeared from my mumsnet page had to search for it!
Feeling so so tired , had to go to emergency doc with one of the dcs ; she has an ear infection :( .
Then one of the dcs (nobody taking the blame! ) flooded the bathroom by leaving tissue in the sink and the tap running so fun and games here.
DCs are primary school aged 5,6,9,11.

[tallwivglasses]

Maybe start a new thread, City? I'm sure mnetters will be happy to help.

OP I've just spotted your thread. Maybe it was on p.2 for a while. Well done for chucking him out. Why does he have to come back to your house to go to the council? Keep him away! How old are your DC?

[akaemmafrost]

Actually why not start your own thread asking that question? May I suggest you start a thread in AIBU.

[akaemmafrost]

And if you need to have it explained to why people sometimes stay in abusive relationships then I suggest you do a bit less posting and a bit more reading here on the relationships board because at the moment you sounding ignorant and narrow minded and in light of what the OP is posting about she shouldn't have to be explaining that to you right now.

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Mack good luck, I am cheering you on . However hard the future may be, don't forget it will also be full of joy which you'll be able to appreciate because you don't have an abusive cock lodger undermining, abusing and stinking up the atmosphere of your home. You're a brave and clever lady, well done Loads of support on here to carry you through the early days and then you'll never look back!

[akaemmafrost]

Well City now you know it's a cramp thing to do so don't. And stop trying to drive your point home even when apologising because that kind of makes it NOT an apology.

[CityTiliDie]

You're right it doesnt matter now anyway and I appologise if anyone found it offensive to ask a question, being a male I do not understand what makes an intelligent woman think " this partner of mine is a twat, drinks, takes drugs, gambles, is violent towards me...... I know what will help. More children!"

I'm not having a go at any one and I know these children are nearly always loved and well cared for but they are nearly always damaged by the parents relationship too. I simply dont understand why you would have more in a relationship that is that bad.

If any one can explain I would be grateful.

I hope that OP gets herself sorted and this nob out of her life for good.

[akaemmafrost]

Anyone who asks someone why they had children/are pregnant when that person posts about their relationship being problematic and for support is a complete and utter arsehole.

IMO.

[macklemom]

eek something weird going on with this thread..ie its not showing up ..

[SolidGoldBrass]

Have a chat with WOmen's Aid about getting help and support for yourself, also your midwife/HV/GP and the police DV unit. As this wretched man has a track record of violence, they will support you in keeping him out of the house and indeed getting a non-mol order to prevent hiim coming anywhere near you if necessary. RIght now you need, by the sound of it, some practical help with the DC and, in time, some counselling for yourself eg Freedom Programme. If you had an awful childhood, that's part of the reason why you have ended up with an abusive man - it's not your fault, but people who have been abused are attractive to abusers.
Best of luck, your new life starts today.

[macklemom]

thank you for the overwhelming support everyone.

CitytilIdie - thank you but I must say I have seen similar comments on other threads ( not by you) and always think it sounds terribly rude to ask someone 'why' they had their children. I don't expect such comments are meant to be insulting but it sounds like the posters think the children from abusive relationships don't deserve to be born.
A quick read of these boards will show that it is not uncommon for otherwise intelligent women to be married to and have children with abusive men and that extricating oneself from such is a long and painful process.
Sorry but my children are loved and adored and it just rankles a bit when comments as such are made.. not looking for a bunfight :)

[CityTiliDie]

Well done for chucking him out and make sure he stays gone.

Must say I'm a bit surprised why you went on having children with this twat when you have had a 'long history' of trouble and violence.

Bit late now.

Good luck