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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm being cheated on aren't I?

52 replies

Unknownfuture · 03/03/2013 00:09

I know the answer is yes

Recently DH has been very attached to his phone. Initially thought it was because dd is more mobile and grabby. But now have noticed that if he leaves the room in the evening he'll take it.

So yesterday he made an error and left it charging in the study when he went out. I wasn't looking for it but when I saw it I couldn't resist looking.

I saw loads of texts between him and a female name. There was a red heart from her to him on valentine's day. He texts her night night every night. She sent him a message saying HFKA. He texted back? The reply was happy first... X.

I can only think this means happy first kiss anniversary? Can you think of any even unlikely other options?

The last text sent today said sorry you're I'll. Let me know if you need some looking after...

This has to be an affair doesn't it. And clearly for 12months. There were no texts before feb so presumably been deleted.

So do I confront now? Or see a solicitor first?

Things haven't been great the last 3 mo but I thought things were ok last year. I thought I was at fault but it's him isn't it

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 03/03/2013 00:14

Oh no Sad

On the anniversary thing, some people call 1 week rather than a year an anniversary, or 1 month. so if it only goes back to february maybe its 1 month?

...and yes it's him not you.

I think Id see a solicitor first.

yellowbrickrd · 03/03/2013 00:22

I would have to confront first, hear what he's got to say. Best to know exactly what you're dealing with before you see the solicitor. Whatever it is sounds like a bad betrayal, sorry x

leaharrison11 · 03/03/2013 00:23

Dont really have advice hun but didnt want to read and run. Id take a few day and really think whats best for you!

Sending hugs xx

Allalonenow · 03/03/2013 00:27

The standard advice is gather financial information as a first priority, if possible move some money to a secure personal account, collect pension information, income details, collect documents such as passports, birth certificates, bank accounts.
Collect evidence such as emails, copies of texts, information on credit card accounts, phone bills etc.

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation, I know just how painful it is, someone much wiser than me will be here soon to guide you, but I did not want you to be left alone.

Sending you courage.

Bluelightsandsirens · 03/03/2013 00:33

I agree with all that you should start gathering copies of everything, including screen shots of his phone and email them to you.

Leave copies in place and keep originals.

So sad, I have been through similar and stayed and every time I come across my folder of flight I feel a bit sad.

Prepare yourself, I also have my own account and work forms ready if needed to transfer mine and all our savings into

My nan called it her rainy day fund Sad

JulietteMontague · 03/03/2013 00:52

I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP. On a practical note, an easy way of copying his texts without any trace is to take a photo of his screen on your own phone, then to be sure you have secure copies, email the pictures to yourself.

almostanotherday · 03/03/2013 01:12

Bastard! Just get up and leave don't tell him how or why just go for a few days, leave him wondering, then perhaps text him, happy first divorce!

almostanotherday · 03/03/2013 01:22

Sorry if that sound harsh op I just can't stand anyone that thinks its ok to behave like that.

Skyebluesapphire · 03/03/2013 03:20

So sorry. The evidence speaks for itself sadly. Gather as much evidence as you can, copy all financial stuff, then co front him. Give him a chance to tell you what he is up to, then when he denies it hit him with the evidence and ask him to leave while you think about what you want.

If he begs forgiveness then it is up to you what happens next. If he doesn't then tell him to sod off and get legal advice

izzyizin · 03/03/2013 03:21

It's very definitely him, honey, and it's entirely possible he's been engaging with Ms Soppy-Sentimentalist for some considerable time. What a shame the silly cow she can't see that what are meaningful dates to her are meaningless to him Hmm

Don't confront him yet as the chances are you won't get anywhere near the truth as he's likely to protest his innocence/claim it's some midlife crisis type flirtation that meant nothing and which he's ended, but he'll then take extra precautions with his phone or buy another just for his communications with the ow.

Meantime you'll be left with a head full of quandary and more questions than you'll ever get answers to.

Play smart and hold a watching brief whereby you check his phone and email account whenever opportunity arises and make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law at your earliest opportunity - if you have any reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid you're best advised to seek a consultation before the end of this month after which this benefit will not be available to you.

When you know what you can reasonably expect should you decide to separate/divorce you'll be better prepared to tell him how it's going to be as opposed to how he would like it to be.

In the meantime keep posting here for support and advice as to how you can best make sure that when you burst his bubble, you have the optimum chance of finding out the full extent of his duplicity and get to call the shots.

If you have a Machiavellian streak or a penchant for cunning, now's the time to indulge yourself as you stick a smile on your face and be extra attentive to him while savouring the knowledge that, if he has any conscience at all, he'll be inwardly squirming and may even go so far as to pull the plug on Ms S-S before you pull the plug on him Wink

Original poster
Unknownfuture · 03/03/2013 14:10

Thanks for the replies. I read them all but this is my first chance to reply.

I definitely will divorce as I've always made it clear that I won't tolerate infidelity. It's funny but last month he squirmed when I made some comment about chris huhne deserving what he gets.

I will be financially ok. Have a good job actually. We also have separate bank accounts and I have savings. He does everything on line so no chance of getting credit card or bank statements. I don't know the passwords.

Will copy passports, mortgage stuff etc.

And see a solicitor asap. We're on holiday next week and it's booked and paid for so shall go anyway. May get a chance for screen shots or more snooping.

I tried photographing the screen with camera but they're not really visible. Think my hands were shaking. How do I do the screen shot thing. I don't have an iPhone. I've written all down though.

Feel remarkably composed just now. Almost like I'm watching a soap. He hasn't been a great husband. I always told myself at least he'llnever cheat. But turns out he's not even faithful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture · 03/03/2013 14:14

Sorry should say that he does have an iphone so need to know how to screen shot off that. Will he be able to tell?

Funny how I was always envious of his iPhone when I have a crappy old school phone but actually it's been his undoing as I can see the whole convo not just her texts to him!

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 03/03/2013 14:21

Take someone else on holiday, why would you want to spend the week with him?

Oodsigma · 03/03/2013 14:22

Screen shot is hold down home key & on/off key together. It'll then be in pictures and you can email/text to yourself.
Good luck

NormaStanleyFletcher · 03/03/2013 14:25

So sorry you are going through this.

Be prepared for him to blame you for his own inadequacies. It is part of a script that they follow.

He will try to tell you th bare minimum that he can get away with. It was just a friendship, it was just harmless flirting.... Oh ok there was a kiss.... And on and on

He will say that you were not paying him attention, that you have seemed distant and cold since

When he does that realise that this is something in his head that he has made up to justify his behaviour to himself.

NeonGolden · 03/03/2013 14:27

To take a screenshot, simultaneously press the button on the top right of the iPhone and the big round button on the bottom. The photo will then go into the photo folder, from there you can email it to yourself. After that delete immediately, also delete it from the photo stream! (Another option within the photos app, if that makes sense). Hth

overmydeadbody · 03/03/2013 14:27

I'm so sorry you've found this out. What a horrible man.

Original poster
Unknownfuture · 03/03/2013 14:30

True postman but then i'l have to confront him before I'm ready. If it's anything like the last holiday he'll be off doing his own thing and dd and I can do all the kiddy things he hates.

What's the home key? The one on the bottom in the middle with the square on it? And the on/off on the top? And pictures as in the photo section?

Norma I'm sure it will be my fault cos most things are! In his opinion

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture · 03/03/2013 14:31

Cross post neon! Thanks

OP posts:
ApplyYourself · 03/03/2013 14:36

Good for you for being so sorted and together. You're a bloody credit to betrayed women everywhere and I wish you luck.

postmanpatscat · 03/03/2013 14:40

Fair enough, but Id be ready now! Couldn't bear to see his lying face over the breakfast table every morning Grin

FlouncingMintyy · 03/03/2013 14:45

Has he still not realised he doesn't have his phone with him? Where is he?

Dottiespots · 03/03/2013 14:47

So sorry your boing through this. I know you have said that you will divorce him because you have always said that you would not stand for cheating.....but do be prepared for your feelings to maybe change as it all sinks in. Emotions do take over and whatever you feel is all perfectly normal.

Dottiespots · 03/03/2013 14:48

"going" not boing

LaVitaBellissima · 03/03/2013 14:49

Good luck, hope you can enjoy the holiday with your DD, are you sure you want to go with him?