I'm being cheated on aren't I?

[Unknownfuture]

I know the answer is yes

Recently DH has been very attached to his phone. Initially thought it was because dd is more mobile and grabby. But now have noticed that if he leaves the room in the evening he'll take it.

So yesterday he made an error and left it charging in the study when he went out. I wasn't looking for it but when I saw it I couldn't resist looking.

I saw loads of texts between him and a female name. There was a red heart from her to him on valentine's day. He texts her night night every night. She sent him a message saying HFKA. He texted back? The reply was happy first... X.

I can only think this means happy first kiss anniversary? Can you think of any even unlikely other options?

The last text sent today said sorry you're I'll. Let me know if you need some looking after...

This has to be an affair doesn't it. And clearly for 12months. There were no texts before feb so presumably been deleted.

So do I confront now? Or see a solicitor first?

Things haven't been great the last 3 mo but I thought things were ok last year. I thought I was at fault but it's him isn't it

[Tubegirl]

Re the advice to take originals and leave copies - please don't! Your solicitor wouldn't be able to use them because of the way they were obtained. You can take a copy of anything lying about but not anything that was locked away e.g in locked drawer or safebox. If it's not locked then that's ok. You cannot open letters he hasn't already opened. This applies to password protected accounts such as email accounts. Also, even if you know his passwords for his online accounts you can't print copies. There are several high profile cases on this, you might remember a certain celebrity chef's wife got into very hot water over taking his private correspondence. If it turns out you are right, then I sympathise, it's an awful feeling. Think you need to confront him as calmly as you can.

[Tubegirl]

Marco Pierre White! Sorry had a mind blank then.

[Skyebluesapphire]

I would still take copies of stuff though. When I sat in mediation, my XH couldnt even remember a pension fund that he had until I reminded him. He had no idea about his life or sickness insurance. He was useless.

I had access to my XH's online mobile account as I did his paperwork for him, thats how I spotted 100's of texts to OW. I printed all of that out and used it to get a divorce for unreasonable behaviour, along with copies of facebook chat and emails. He couldnt defend the divorce as I had proof of it all.

It doesn't matter whether you can use it or not legally, it is proof that he has a pension, or a bank account or whatever and you can use it if he fails to declare things on his form E.

[ImperialBlether]

Good for you, OP, for responding so decisively and how lovely to see someone in this position who has her own account and is financially independent.

One thing: he would have been aware that his phone was left at home; I wonder why he didn't come back for it. Is he in a job where he simply can't be late? Did you notice him panic when he came back home?

I know when my ex was involved with someone else I didn't realise that's what was going on but everything felt very strange. I thought I was going mad. You should find everything a lot better once you've separated.

What do you plan to do about your house?

[ThePinkOcelot]

So sorry OP. What a twat!
Where is he? Do you think he's with her, so he thinks it safe his phone being at home, as she won't be texting him? xx

[jenny99]

If you screen shot and email it to yourself as others have pointed out make sure you delet it from the photos but also from the sent emails folder too! Or from sent texts etc.

[Unknownfuture]

I have the screen shots. Have deleted the pic and sent mail and camera roll so think I'm safe.

He is a fitness freak who usually runs so takes phone out in the car. He's hurt his leg so cycled from home instead. Hence the phone was left behind. Hidden today. I think he is so sure if himself he really doesn't think I'm onto him.

So will be phoning solicitor Tom.

Thanks so much for practical advice.

[wednesdaygirl]

Dont forget to delete emails from his phone sent to you x

[chaosagain]

And just to add to what Wednesdaygirl said, you may also need to delete them from the bin. Gmail for example, never deletes anything permanently unless you ask it to. So you need to go into sent mail and delete and then into the bin/trash and delete the emails you sent yourself from there too.

Sorry you're going through this.

[Skinnywhippet]

Couldn't it just be flirtation? Maybe I'm naive.

[unknownfuture]

I wanted to believe that at first skinny but what else could 'Happy First K A' mean apart from Happy First Kiss Anniversary? Which means it is has been going on a year.

I'm seeing a solicitor soon and then will give H chance to explain but will be very sceptical of his answersaa

[ChateauCollapso]

Yes it's him detaching. Men love flattery and so the grass seems greener. When he finds out what you know it won't be all lovely and secret anymore. That's when he'll backtrack. If you're willing you may be able to move along from this together but it will be very hard for you. Once you know he's been massively flirting (probably shagging), loads of stuff will fall into place. Working late, pub with mates, staying out overnight - all seemingly fairly innocent at the time but in hindsight ... Sorry but I may be projecting my experience on to you but haven't had the bottle to start my own thread as don't want to hear the truth.

[unknownfuture]

I should also add that when I went back to get the screen shots that he had replied to her last text of "sorry you're feeling ill. Do you want some looking after...!".

His reply. "yes please! X". Am actually really angry now.

[rightchoice2]

Not surprised you are angry, you have every right to be. What a cheat, he'll get his comeuppance soon.

[Ruprekt]

He will get the shock of his life when you do confront him

Git!

[chocoreturns]

you are doing so well. Keep calm and gather the evidence you need and make a plan. I can't imagine being so calm... when I read emails from my STBXH and his OW I literally confronted him immediately and walloped him, and threw him out there and then. I had a lot of catching up to do on the practical things which would have made my life much easier.

Having said that, a year down the line I'm much happier and life is back on track. Use the anger to your advantage because the energy may not last forever and you'll need to be as strong as possible when you do actually confront - in my experience, the bit after that is the bit that hurts the most, because you'll get to see how nasty and unrepentant cheaters are. :(

He doesn't deserve you, remember that x

[unknownfuture]

Thanks choc I think it will be another 2 weeks until I confront. Solicitor next week and then I'll know where I stand custody wise. Currently work FT - desperate to go part time anyway. Have worked out that will be (just) able to make ends meet on 3 days per week plus occ weekend shiftr that could fit in with when he had DD at a weekend. So need to find out whether I would be in a better position to already be part time IYSWIM or whether can just say that my plans are to go part time. Anyway don't want to go all through this and then find out that I will be paying him maintenace to be at home with our DD. I guess the solicitor can tell me all these things. So I'm kind of in limbo until then but need to be patient as think it will be better for me in the long run.

Ironically he has been much nicer the last few days. Don't think he's onto me as I don't think he could contain his anger at being found out. I think maybe now I know what has been the root cause of our unhappiness recently that I have relaxed a bit (with hidden pent up fury) and he is responding to that.

Thanks for letting me know that things will be better and to be prepared that they may be worse for a while. IT's good to know what to expect.

[PureedGoodness]

how are u managing to be civil knowing what u know?

[almostanotherday]

The kiss anniversary does not always been a year, could be a week, month or indeed a year.

[almostanotherday]

does not always mean it has been a year.

[skiesmylimit]

OP, please make sure there is no way he can find this thread if he goes on your phone/pc ect

[Ahhhcrap]

Sorry OP this sucks!

[newbiefrugalgal]

m.imore.com/how-to-take-a-screenshot-with-the-iphone

Just remember to delete!
I also emailed a copy to my sister so I had someone to read and make sense of it all!!! Grrrrrr

[Ruprekt]

OP - how you doing today? X

[KirstyWirsty]

Sorry you are going through this OP

I'd like to reiterate that once confronted he will be nasty to you and unrepentant .. Please be prepared .. And when you are getting yourself sorted out and are happy he'll begging you to come back .. I never believed my STBX would try ( i thought he knew me better) but he did

I'll also reiterate what Choco said .. I am much happier a year and a bit later without the lying grumpy git that I had found myself stuck with

One last thing .. This board was a lifeline to me .. The women (and men) have helped me so much .. Keep posting and reading .. I've learned a lot

Good luck!