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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help I think I may be going to have an affair ...

131 replies

Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 18:56

I am quite prepared to get slated here and actually think I deserve to . I really need some advice . I have been having an on off flirtation with a dad at school run . I do find him attractive . However I am also friends with his fiancée sho they have three kids with .... I am mostly happily married with three kids , we have our ups and downs snd sometimes life is a bit boring , mundane , he works away a lot . This relationship with the dad has been getting more flirtatious , we texted last night and the texts got very flirty .... He suggested we meet basically to get up to no good next week
Please help I know I am bring wrong but I really do find him attractive and don't know what to do .....

OP posts:

myroomisatip · 02/03/2013 20:03

Don't do it.

He isn't your soul mate!

He does not care about you!

The repurcussions will be nasty and messy.

It won't be worth it.

You are worth so much more than that!

He has no respect for you.

All he wants is sex.

Is that really what you want?

How would you feel if your husband was considering the same thing?

Original poster

Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 20:04

Thank u for understanding some of u , I m going to sleep on telling my dh

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 02/03/2013 20:05

When push comes to shove he will chose his fiancee over you. This means that if he gets caught he will make out that this was all at your instigation. You will be painted as a slit, who led him astray. His fiancee will want to believe that - if she forgives him, she will spend the next few years shooting daggers at you across the playground. If the other mums find out, you will have a very lonely time until your kids leave that school. And don't think your kids won't hear about it either, in glorious detail, if you are the subject of school gossip.

I would text him to say you don't think this is a good idea - that you were having a weak moment but don't want to hurt your dh or his fiancee.

CardinalRichelieu · 02/03/2013 20:06

Don't tell your husband for fuck's sake. Nothing has actually happened and you've made completely the right decision re meeting up with him, so well done for that. Just draw a line under this, don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Original poster

Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 20:09

True I won't tell him thank u I'm sorry guys I know I've been an arse

OP posts:

jenny99 · 02/03/2013 20:10

I agree with not telling your husband. Nothing has happened. Don't hurt him over nothing. But talk to him about what you are lacking and need from him.

phoenixrose314 · 02/03/2013 20:12

Hey OP.

I really think you should take the time to think about the following things: the fact that maybe one day you will be that fiancée (to anyone, not him) and have your love cheating behind your back; and also do you really want to be another notch on this serial cheater's bedpost? Remember - when you sleep with someone you're sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with, and I bet he's had a few in his time!!

For you this is about a much-needed self esteem boost. At one time or another we could all be vulnerable to this kind of manipulation. However, to him you are another warm wet hole (sorry but tis true), to his fiancée you are the reason her heart will break, and to his children you would potentially be the woman who separated a secure and loving family.

This is about more than you. Leave it.

And if you really have some balls, tell his fiancée what's been going on so they can have a chance at fixing their relationship. It may be beyond repair but who's to say.

Wewereherefirst · 02/03/2013 20:12

Yes, you're a total arse even contemplating it and flirting with him.

Get some self esteem and a hobby that doesn't involve flirting with men.

AuntieStella · 02/03/2013 20:17

Just to look at the telling husband issue from another angle: on the (many) 'affair discovered' threads here, one of the refrains is "he didn't confess, you found out".

You need to think about how best to strengthen your marriage (if you are truly committed to it). The specifics of it being 'this man and this type of contact' may be too much. But a frank admission that you are dissatisfied and are worried about getting crushes might be the spur to better communication and in turn to greater intimacy. Your DH might be just as dissatisfied as you are - finding a way to air it all gives an opportunity for improvement.

myroomisatip · 02/03/2013 20:18

Sunniside I hope that posting here has really and truly been of help to you.

I dont think you should tell your husband but I do think you need to think long and hard about why you have found youself in this situation!

I do not agree that it is about a huge ego, more about maybe low self esteem?

neontetra · 02/03/2013 20:22

OP you don't deserve all the insults. In the real world lots of people cheat, and even more people are briefly tempted but decide, as you have, that what they have isn't worth risking. Being tempted doesn't mean you are evil. Resisting means you are strong. But whatever you do delete all evidence now, and do not tell your husband!.

Casmama · 02/03/2013 20:25

Text him no. You got yourself into this now get yourself out otherwise you are hedging your bets.
I'm not sure I believe you OP.

CardinalRichelieu · 02/03/2013 20:27

I agree with neon tetra, very much so. Lots of people are tempted, it is natural. But as a responsible person it's important to have the strength to recognise that you are doing the wrong thing and turn away from it.

Skyebluesapphire · 02/03/2013 20:27

You are in control if your own actions. You will break up your own family while your text "soulmate" moves on to the next one.

My XH chose to start a secret email account and text OW all day every day. Nobody made him do it. OW stroked his ego and told him how wonderful he was while I was stressed and trying to hold everything together.

If you CHOOSE to do this , then you are betraying your husband your children and your friend.

Grow a pair, stop texting him and delete his number.

Casmama · 02/03/2013 20:29

Sorry Op, cross posted with many others- went off to do something and didn't refresh when I came back.

Original poster

Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 20:33

I am going to ignore him
Mon I'm not going to text him thank u everyone for the advice and the kids up the ass I needec

OP posts:

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 02/03/2013 20:34

'i am also friends with his fiancee'

no you're not!

Original poster

Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 20:37

Sorry kick up the ass

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 02/03/2013 20:44

'i am also friends with his fiancee'

Absolutely not. You are her worst enemy, and no friend of her children either.
You are deluded to call yourself "her friend".

BOF · 02/03/2013 20:45

Good for you, I'm glad you've seen sense. You will avoid getting terribly hurt and hurting others that you care about. I wish you luck in finding a way to feel a bit more positive about your life- that's what you need to be looking at.

Cupquake · 02/03/2013 21:20

I think Cabbageleave was talking talk in cheek. Trying to make OP see what exactly could happen should she opt to go down that route.

ClaudiaWinklepants · 02/03/2013 21:23

Good for you. Don't falter nor look back. He will still be charming, funny, witty & whatever else you may have seen in him but stay strong & stick to your decision. Cut ties & move on.

As for telling your husband etc etc, I think the old "least said, soonest mended" springs to mind.

Wishing you all the best xx

enjay0811 · 03/03/2013 03:25

I don't think ur planning to have an affair, u jst like the attention u've received n its made u feel good. Nothing wrong with a confidence boost but tht's where it has to stop. Been in ur situation too n I think the comments on here r well harsh but maybe the kick up the arse u need. It's neva goin to b worth wrecking ur marriage, kids, life etc. If this has made u realise u need sum love/lust in ur life, make a conscious effort to do this with Dh. Date nights? Different things in the bedroom etc. U'll feel so much btr gettin tht attention from Dh n it may even make ur relationship stronger. Ignore the other bloke n for god sake, don't tell ur Dh! Good luck Xx

LongingForLamu · 03/03/2013 05:03

Text him and say no thanks. Then ignore. It's very hard to let go of something that feels so good but read through this board and see how hurt people feel by being cheated on.

DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

Lavenderhoney · 03/03/2013 05:26

You haven't actually done anything apart from exchange text and chat to this idiot. Why tell your husband? Just to make yourself feel better? Bringing a world of misery to his daily life? If he has any sense he will tell you to get out for a few days whilst he wonders if he wants to continue with you.

Do you think he will say " oh it's all my fault I have neglected you how amazing to resist this adonis?" he won't. He will start to think how you cared so little for him and your dc you not only get to a point of meeting this man, you engage in texting like a teenager, and then you have the nerve to tell him and expect sympathy.

Delete his number, delete all the text, take your dc earlier or later to school and get a job so you can be somewhere after school instead of mooning about. Or go to zumba or something. Anything other than fill your time daydreaming about this idiocy. And don't shave your legs.

And then watch him hit on the next poor woman. And stay away from his partner, you are nothing but trouble.

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