Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help I think I may be going to have an affair ...

131 replies

Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 18:56

I am quite prepared to get slated here and actually think I deserve to . I really need some advice . I have been having an on off flirtation with a dad at school run . I do find him attractive . However I am also friends with his fiancée sho they have three kids with .... I am mostly happily married with three kids , we have our ups and downs snd sometimes life is a bit boring , mundane , he works away a lot . This relationship with the dad has been getting more flirtatious , we texted last night and the texts got very flirty .... He suggested we meet basically to get up to no good next week
Please help I know I am bring wrong but I really do find him attractive and don't know what to do .....

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 02/03/2013 19:40

Please replace the word "affair" with the following"

"Wilful complicity in the destruction of 2 marriages, peoples trust, your reputation, his reputation, your credibility, his credibility. Removal of two fathers from their children, 1 deserved, 1 not. 6 children with broken homes (not deserved), 4 people with broken hearts. Ruined finances, ruined careers, hatred, bitterness, anger, mistrust"

Not bad for a bit of flirting.

Be a saint or be a sinner, just be prepared to be directly responsible for the above.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 02/03/2013 19:41

Well, a friend of mine did have an affair, and the fallout was HUGE, and horrible horrible. Her DH threw her out of the house and her children were disgusted by her. She now lives in a flat, on her own, with shared access to her children, who are struggling to rebuild a relationship with her. Her Dh and her HATE each other- the venom that passed between them was horrific. I am so sad, and I think their dc are probably pretty damaged by the whole thing. Selfish, selfish, selfish. It has caused a whole worls of pain, and noone is happy (except her DH, who now has a new partner, which has caused a whole lot more strife and upset for the kids) Gah!

There's nothing romantic about the harsh realities. And there's nothing fun about them either. Only do this if you want your world to implode, seriously.

akaemmafrost · 02/03/2013 19:42

You'll feel like utter crap afterwards by the way. Really rubbish. He only wants a shag and he will leave skid marks getting away. It's NOT a good feeling. Then you have to face him at the school gates daily while he tries to avoid you and you'll be dying a death of a thousand internal screams twice a day till the end of year 6.

I paint quite a picture don't I? Wink

twentythirteen · 02/03/2013 19:43

OP, just wanted to say that we've all made mistakes of some form or other and you stopped yourself before you actually met up with him. I think I'd play it very straight if I were in your shoes. Let the other man know you've changed your mind, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It's up to him and his integrity if he shares the texts or tells anyone so I wouldn't bother asking him. I suppose I would also though want to tell my OH in the hopes of getting closer and also because secrets freak me out and the idea of ever getting found out would worry me. Good luck!

sleepyhead · 02/03/2013 19:46

Phone up his fiancee and tell her that, sorry and all, but you're considering sleeping with her husband.

Doesn't sound appealing? Don't sleep with her husband then. You are the agent of your own destiny.

AuntieStella · 02/03/2013 19:46

Well, if he's already cheated on the mother of his children at least once, he's no great catch. Is that really the best you can do?

And how about rehearsing now what you'll say to your DCs when the hurt of the children spills out into the playground?

Sunshinewithshowers · 02/03/2013 19:48

You wont be his first & you wont be his last.

Don't do it.

Original poster
Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 19:48

I'm very tempted to tell my dh now but frightened he ll go mad . I hate secrets now I feel sick

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 02/03/2013 19:49

I hope his wife /OPs friend isn't on MN. It wouldn't take the wisdom of Solomon to work this out.

Pancakeflipper · 02/03/2013 19:50

Give yourself a little credit Sunny for starting this thread - you knew the response you'd get on here. Did you just need people to tell you to not be an arse?

Draw a big thick line. Move onwards. And get on with improving the life you have.

TheFallenNinja · 02/03/2013 19:50

What precisely would telling DH accomplish?

Original poster
Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 19:52

Yes believe it or it i not a total bitch and I just needed a kick up the arse . Nothing would be achieved except I would prob feel less guilty

OP posts:
BIWI · 02/03/2013 19:53

So much drama!

Original poster
Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 19:54

Biwi I don't consider it about drama and your posts aren't helpful

OP posts:
BIWI · 02/03/2013 19:56

Look. You are asking about having an affair, and lots of people here have told you what the consequences are likely to be.

So you have decided not to go ahead.

Great!

But now you introduce telling your husband. Why? What, exactly, is the point of that? Other than stringing the drama along.

TheFallenNinja · 02/03/2013 19:56

I think when we all look at our lives we will find deficiencies whether it be material things or feelings or just a thought that it should be better.

Generally though, with exceptions of course, things aren't that bad, most things can be improved with discussion and effort. We all get a little lost once in a while but we all find ourselves eventually.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2013 19:58

Do you think that the other mothers at the school gates haven't noticed? Especially if he has 'form'. Do you want to be the subject of their gossip/condemnation? And how long do you think it will be before it gets back to his fiancee?

Look at your life now. Look at your children, your DH, your home. Do you want to kiss your family goodbye?

Would it really be worth it? Because the odds of you having any kind of future with this man are slim to none.

CabbageLeaves · 02/03/2013 19:58

Sunny telling your husband... A passive aggressive way of saying look what you've driven me too.? Perhaps?

Be assertive. It's healthier. Make some time for you, have your hair cut. Pamper yourself then insist DH comes on a date with you. Tell him you feel unappreciated, unloved and your relationship has lost spark. Tell him you can see how affairs start and you want to affair proof your marriage.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2013 19:59

You're going to tell your DH?
Why? Do you hate him? Why bring a world of hurt that he doesn't need?

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 02/03/2013 19:59

Sunny I know what it's like to need validation so much that a little positive attention from someone else can make your tummy do flip flops and make an affair tempting but it would just be swapping a little comfort/attention/affection now for a lot of pain later.
You will not come out of this unscathed if you pursue something. It would be a much better idea to look at why you feel so in need of this attention and how you can resolve the issues in your own life/love life. Its not wrong to be attracted to someone else or to want to be attractive please stop this thing now before it gets you very hurt. I hope this is still relevant as I haven't read the whole thread...

Original poster
Sunnysideup123 · 02/03/2013 20:01

Yes it is relevant , very , thank u

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 02/03/2013 20:01

So you want to tell your DH so you can feel better. Thats not on. Say nothing and deal with it. You were the one who got involved. Leave you DH out of it if you are only going to tell him so you feel better.

CabbageLeaves · 02/03/2013 20:02

You're not the only spouse to feel the way you do Sunny. Nor do you have to accept feeling that way. Find a less damaging solution

jenny99 · 02/03/2013 20:02

I think you shouldn't do it...I've been there. Somebody said further up that however bad all these posts make you feel is nothing compared to how you will feel. That is so true and probably the reply that has had the most impact on me and should on you.

You ought to put a stop to it and draw a line under it and then sort out your marriage.

I've sent you a pm.

twentythirteen · 02/03/2013 20:03

OP, you have to find your own way forward, I don't know you or your relationship. Mine would be able to ride the storm so I could imagine saying "I've been stupid, x and I were texting and it got flirtatious. I was tempted but caught myself and stopped and I'm so sorry...". It could lead to a helpful discussion about how to improve things with your OH. And I don't think you're a bitch. I've been tempted. I know we can sometimes forget or lose sight of ourselves and what's important (although in my case, while the temptation was never anything more than a thought in my own mind it did help me to realise that things were wrong between my then partner). You found yourself before meeting up with him. You're thinking about what you need to do. This sounds like a good time to rethink things and think about what's important, what you need to do to move forward, etc.