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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

537 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 15:57

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him Confused

OP posts:
Lueji · 02/03/2013 15:44

Yes to clothes outside.
A shower outside might also be a good idea, if he insists on one.

Surely he can shower wherever he is.

Lueji · 02/03/2013 15:46

Oh, and happy birthday.

Just think of it as being born again. :D

Next year you'll have a double celebration.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 15:58

Do not let him in the house.

He will try and refuse to leave if you do.

Put his clothes on the doorstep have your key in the lock so he ant get in check all windows are closed and back door is also locked with key in it.

If he can enter the property peacefully then he is doing nothing wrong legally BUT if you are inside he cannot force entry without a court order as him smashing windows kicking doors in creating a scene ect would be classed as another DV incident.anything you are happy for him to have bung outside with his clothes anything you want to keep, keep in the house call it a marital asset and let him take you to court to argue about it months down the line.

If he turns up at your door do not engage with him ignore and pretend he is not there,if he gets threatening hostile or abusive call the police
Do not give him the opertunity to collect kids from school or anything like that chances are he will try and keep them.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 16:08

And incidently you can change the locks nobody can prevent you from doing so

But you just need to remember that if you do he could take you to court and get and get an order telling you to either change them back or give him a key.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 16:10

What Sock said.

Call the police, YES.

It wasn't an accident that he threw that at you knowing there was no way you could use it, anyhow.

Clothes on the doorstep.

"Fine keep the dog, I can't believe you are over reacting about me accidentally hitting you in the eye. It was an ACCIDENT. I'll be round for some clothes shortly, might as well go out on the pull tonight since we're finished happy birthday by the way. Oh and ill grab a shower when I'm there"

Good riddance! Hope his cock falls off.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 16:12

In that case, I'd beat him to the punch and go for a temporary restraining order.

Funny he has money to go out pulling but not to pay for his kids.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 16:38

The police can obtain a temp protection order for you only lasts a few days but its helpful.and if he turns up kicking off then it will be easier to get

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 16:50

The police said to call if any problems. My friend has some sort of emergency and can't come over until later. I'm sitting here a nervous wreck waiting on the knock on the door. He can come in, collect what clothes he needs and get out. He can have 5 minutes tops. Kids have left for my parents and te dog is practically sitting on my head staring at me.

OP posts:
FelicityWasCold · 02/03/2013 16:58

Keep calm and carry on- you can do this. Think about the putting clothes outside idea though.

Darkesteyes · 02/03/2013 17:03

Just caught up with this. What an absolute bastard. Threatening to take the kids beloved dog and leaving you with no money but he has dosh to "go out on the pull" Twunt.
I have a bro who is 38 this year and he would not be welcome in my home either if he did this to his girlfriend.
Please dont let him in the house. Stick his junk outside. Bastard. Abusive man-child.

pigletmania · 02/03/2013 17:03

Yes it is unfair and he needs to be splitting te bills with you and chidrens things. You need to have a talk with him

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 17:05

do not let him inside the house

If you do he can just refuse to leave and as you currently have no orders and he is a tenant the police will not remove him unless he abuses you again.

pigletmania · 02/03/2013 17:16

Gosh sorry the thread as moved on good luck op, you are much better off without him

fryingpantoface · 02/03/2013 17:21

OP you are doing brilliantly. Stay strong. We're all here for you if you need us

Reality · 02/03/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HansieMom · 02/03/2013 17:28

I would run all the hot water out into the sink.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 17:31

What Sock said. Put the key in the door call the police if he kicks off.

And yy, get a temp restraining order.

And remember, he has money to go on the pull but not buy food for his kids? WTF?!

perplexedpirate · 02/03/2013 17:33

Happy birthday. You have given yourself the best present ever.
Good luck. Hope everything goes ok.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 17:33

We are here for you.

Many of us have been in abusive relationships.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 17:34

My partner was nicey nice. Within a week of my moving in he showed his true colours! I left when he threw a drink at me in the flat after screaming at me in the street.

ZebraOwl · 02/03/2013 17:54

Oh, Alice...

Getting shot of him def best birthday present for you!

Thinking you'd be wise to follow advice about leaving his stuff on doorstep & not letting him in.

As for his "my friends will believe ME" stuff, what a total eejit. Even if they were allowed to ignore proper protocols & side with him they're not bloody going to when he's thoughtfully given you evidence to support & substantiate what you're saying.

I hope your friend can get round to you soon & that your eye heals up okay.

Brew Thanks

MrsKoala · 02/03/2013 17:55

good luck OP. Happy Birthday. Next one will be so much better :)

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 18:25

He's been and gone. Told me he didn't want any trouble and barged past, got some clothes then knocked a wedding pic off the wall ad the glass broke. Pottered in the bedroom for a bit, I stood watching him making sure he didn't take the box with passports/birth cert etc. Then as I walked ahead of him to the front door he grabbed my top and said "this isn't over". I had my phone in my hand and told him I was phoning the police and he laughed and left.

I actually can't believe I've been with this person so long. He's like a stranger.

Anyway I've told my friend not to come round, I'm too tired and just want to be by myself.

Thank you all for your support. It is really appreciated, you don't know how much.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 02/03/2013 18:28

I think you should log that he grabbed you & what he said with the police.

Sorry he was still so horrid.

Take care tonight.

ZebraOwl · 02/03/2013 18:32

Definitely log his grabbing you & what he said: "this isn't over" is quite menacing.

Understand you wanting to be by yourself - you can always post here if you find yourself wanting to braindump &/or have a wee chat: an be easier talking to people not directly involved in the situation.