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Original poster

To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

537 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 15:57

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him Confused

OP posts:
Inertia · 02/03/2013 13:52

You are doing brilliantly.

He is using the same bullying tactics he always has in the hope that you will capitulate. The difference is that you are no longer giving in to him, and he doesn't know what else to do.

Be prepared for him to ramp up the pressure once you put a CSA claim in.

mantlepiece · 02/03/2013 13:55

I think he is saying "bought the birthday present, am taking the dog" because he knows these things will upset you and it makes you respond to his texts. Therefore he has your attention and you are engaging with him.

It is early days and yes, he will need to organise removing his belongings from your home etc. but you need to keep one step ahead of him mentally and realise what he is doing with the mind games.

You need to detach both physically and mentally, you cannot change how he behaves, but you can change your response to his bullying and controlling behaviour. Starting today.

Lueji · 02/03/2013 13:57

Men like these really don't give a crap about the childre.

When I left mine, he immediately emptied our joint current account, obviously leaving nothing from which to support DS.
Not half. All of it.

Brace yourself for more antics. :(

hugoagogo · 02/03/2013 14:34

You are being so brave Alice.

I cannot believe he would take the dog; how has he got somewhere to stay that will take a dog so quickly?

You are doing all the right things.

hugoagogo · 02/03/2013 14:37

My Dad emptied the joint account 30 years ago when he left my Mum. bastard.
The significance of it was lost on me at the time.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I like having my own bank account.

willesden · 02/03/2013 14:38

Let him pay for one of the utility bills to free up some of your cash, then you won't have to ask him for some cash.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2013 14:53

At least he isn't doing the hearts and flowers routine. It may well come so be ready for it... Everything since you asked for more equality has been mean and controlling (and/or violent and abusive) so you can judge him by his actions. He is happy to take the children's dog and leave you with nothing to look after them. Twunt.

When I think about this thread, I'm really impressed by how you are coping and out of whores made me laugh.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 14:59

He is staying at his brothers house apparently. He's adamant he is coming for the dog and has said the police can't do anything about it as police officer friend knows he bought the dog. If he wants to take the dog can he? The house is in both our names. What's to stop him just walking in and taking him. The only thing I can do is lock the doors and leave my keys in so he can't get in.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 15:01

Not true at all! Call the police! He is doing this to threaten you and get access to the house after abusing you. Do you have friends or family who can be with you today?

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 15:01

If my brother did this to his wife and kids he would not be welcome in my home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2013 15:02

Have you called Women's Aid, Alice? They can give you some advice. Women's Aid website.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 15:02

My parents said they'll take the kids tonight but I don't know. I want them here with me but on the other hand if he comes and kicks off I don't want them here to witness it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 15:03

Call the police and call Women's Aid NOW.

If I were your parent I would not leave you alone in that house.

Is there anyone who can be with you?

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 15:05

Thanks MrsTP, I'll have a look at that website.

Expat, he probably hasn't told him the reason he is there, he will have told them some cock and bull story blaming me. I don't care where he goes as long as he's not here.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 15:06

Is there anyone who can stay with you, Alice? You really need to involve the police now, he is menacing with all these texts. There's a record now, and there are all those texts.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 15:10

My parents would just worry if I told them everything. I know I should but at 35 years of age I shouldn't be causing them more worry. The original plan before last nights events was my friend and I were going out for a meal tonight for my birthday so I've text her and asked her to come round when she finishes work instead, so she should be here around 4.30

OP posts:
FelicityWasCold · 02/03/2013 15:10

Please be out at 5pm with kids and dog. If I was you I would take all paperwork- passports, kids birth Certs, bank, utility etc... Etc.. And the things most precious to you- favourite clothes, jewellery, laptops etc.. And go and stay with your parents until you can arrange to have the locks changed so he cannot get in.

Either that or send kids and dog to your mums and get your dad to sit in the house with you with keys in the lock.

FelicityWasCold · 02/03/2013 15:11

Sorry x post, glad your friend will be there. Just don't let him in.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 15:13

Good!

'And go and stay with your parents until you can arrange to have the locks changed so he cannot get in.'

She can't legally do that without involving the police because they are both on the mortage or tenancy agreement.

That's why, Alice, I'm sorry, but you really need to ring the police.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 02/03/2013 15:18

You need to ring the police. You have been amazingly brave and strong thus far but you need to keep going.

He is despicable doing this. Don't back down. Phone women's aid and the police.

And tell your parents! If one of your kids was going through this would you wants help or be kept in the dark? They live you, unless they are unsupportive parents then please tell them.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 02/03/2013 15:20

Grrrr, typos!

Would you want to help them

They love you

perplexedpirate · 02/03/2013 15:21

Wow! You are so brave.
I would go to my parents for a night or two if I were you, not just for the security, but also for the tlc. If not, give the police a ring on 101.
This guy is a twunt of the highest order, you are better off without him.
Hope your eye is ok.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 15:32

I've just had this text from him

"Fine keep the dog, I can't believe you are over reacting about me accidentally hitting you in the eye. It was an ACCIDENT. I'll be round for some clothes shortly, might as well go out on the pull tonight since we're finished :) happy birthday by the way. Oh and ill grab a shower when I'm there"

Nice.

I'll call police station just now, my dads coming to get the kids. I feel sick :(

OP posts:
FelicityWasCold · 02/03/2013 15:36

I'd put a bag of his clothes outside and keep your key in the lock.

Stay strong, you're doing so well. Well done for calling the police it's absolutely the right thing to do.

hugoagogo · 02/03/2013 15:40

What a shit Sad

Is it your birthday today?

Good to hear you are calling the police, you need to feel safe in your own home.

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