To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

[WomanCalledAlice]

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him

Log it, Alice, that's threatening behaviour.

Good luck x

What a wanker . He's just trying to intimidate and frighten you, because he knows he's losing his control over you.

Is your friend coming over still? If not, could you go and see your parents this evening instead? You're probably shaken-up and I think some company would do you good. .

Hope you are OK Alice.

Log it, please.

And if you really want to be by yourself ( though I think you should be with people) then keep posting on here and we can keep you company.

Definitely log the threat. ON Monday you should be able to get a court order preventing him from coming anywhere near you or the house, as he has assaulted you and threatened you and the court will agree that he is a danger to you. Sorry this has happened, but at least you are rid of him and can see him for what he is.

Please log it, Alice.

Someone on another thread said that all abuse is emotional abuse at bottom - the financial abuse that you have been suffering for months is because he thinks he is better than you and gets to have all the money he wants, the physical abuse of throwing something at you and making out you are overreacting (when you had to go to hospital FFS) is because he thinks you should be doing what he says, and not arguing, the taking ages in your house and then grabbing your top is physical, yes, but done to intimidate you.

What I'm saying is that the card-throwing and top-grabbing aren't one offs, they are part of his pattern. This has been building up and it may escalate further. Keep the police informed and take care. X

Thank you.

I have called the station again and made them aware of what went on. Also apparently his police friend text him and told him I'd been in touch with the police, I don't think that's on really. I told H anyway but surely a police officer shouldn't be getting involved in this on a personal level? Maybe he told him to back off or something.

He keeps texting, so I've turned phone off and on the iPad. Doors are locked and watching crap telly for the rest of the night.

I think you are right and the friend should not have texted him

That is disgusting behaviour from a Police Officer. I worked at SS and would NEVER in a million years have told anyone I knew ANYTHING I heard at work about a family member. It is extremely unprofessional, unethical and a sacking offence. Do you want to take it further with a complaint?

It's a matter of confidentiality. Complain to the Chief Inspector.

No, his police friend should not have done that. I would be raising it as a question 'why would this happen' with the police if I was you.

It is over as far as him controlling you so don't worry about that.

Have a nice quiet evening with us and the TV and then tomorrow start making plans for getting him financially back in his box (so no more house in joint names, him paying through the CSA for his children) and your lovely new life free from abuse.

This weekend you have ensured that your children don't have to live with an abuser anymore- that is huge and you should be very proud of your bravery.

Information about making a complaint. I know you are probably a bit wary of doing it. However, if this Police Officer knows the first thing about DV he should know that what he did was dangerous.

Thanks for the link , it definitely was an irresponsible thing to do. I will be taking it further. My heads a bit like mush just now but it makes me less comfortable about having to contact the police if I think he's going to text H and tell him everything. It could have serious repercussions especially if H is out drinking tonight.

Wow he is a nasty piece of work. It's all come out, hasn't it. He cheats, withholds money, hurts you physically, bombards you with abusive texts, threatens you... I agree to getting the restraining order, the complaint about the police officer being unprofessional and moving towards getting locks changed.

I am also aware that these are all headachey tasks on top of the grief and physical pain you're going through, never mind work and kids. Alice keep moving forwards, one step at a time.

Don't engage, no texting etc. nothing good can come of it.

And maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships? It seems to be going okay here but there is fantastic support over in R.

How is your eye?

Hi, who told you the police officer texted your H?

Save the texts/emails. Keep a record of everything.

My eye still stings a bit but better than it was. How do I get the thread moved?

Thanks :)

Is it possible your H invented the story about his policeman friend texting him to make you wary of complaining to the police as you will think they are in league with him?

Report your original post and make a request it be moved.

If the police called him, then I think you have to raise it as a complaint. I would have thought it was more than irresponsible. Surely, that would become a disciplinary matter. It's just wrong.

Good luck with all you are doing. I know it's scary and horrendous but it's all posturing at heart. It's the last flair up of the man who sees his time has run out.

I'm assuming it was your H who told you about the text?

Yellowandgreen, H text me and said "I heard you've went running to the police, good luck with that" . The only way he would know is from his police friend. And when he came round earlier he told me police friend had text him and told him I'd called the station.

Just report it and ask, I am sure they will do it for you.

I think whoever told you about the text, you should report, but in case it is H stirring, report in a 'concerned not sure this can possibly be right' way rather than hostile?

Are you keeping the texts from DH? You may need them.

Yes I have all the texts MrsTP. All 19 of them since this morning.