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Original poster

To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

537 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 15:57

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 23:52

MrsTP, definitely shown his true colours.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/03/2013 23:54

You don't need anyone who treats you like this.

blacktaildog · 01/03/2013 23:56

i'm so glad you have realised you are better off without him.
i would have thought you would be able to get some sort of help, even if you do work 40hrs on nmw, it might be worth a quick call to check.
as for tightening the belt the mse site is amazing for advive and tips

zipzap · 02/03/2013 00:05

expat When I wrote this I was assuming the OP was going to split with her 'd'p and thus everything was based around that assumption. However reading through it a second time I can see that as I didn't explicitly state that, it can also be read that I think that the op would be getting back with her partner. Blush

But you'll spot that at the start of my thread I put 'I was going to suggest...' and wasn't intending on writing such a long post, it lost its way somewhat. That and I started writing it, got interrupted by the dc and was away from it for a while so came back and finished it and then posted it, without reading any of the more recent posts.

And, so I didn't tie up with the thing that I had intended putting in, namely that even given the fact her 'd'h has treated her so badly and she wants to leave, it's still a worthwhile thing to do because she needs to show him that he has been bleeding her dry whilst he has kept all the cash and is laughing all the way to the bank. In an ideal world he would be giving her extra money back so she does have a financial cushion - but obviously it's not an ideal world and I'm sure he won't from what the op has said about him.

The thing about asking him to put all his money in her account wasn't meant to imply I thought they would be back together, just turning the situation on its head to point out how unfair he would shout out that it was and no way would he put up with that, to try and illustrate that she has been putting up with exactly that since they got back together last time. Still works as an illustration just as vividly if they are split up.

And again when I said about getting peace of mind with regard her relationship - wasn't meant to imply they were together or not. Just that she was happy with how things turn out - both getting him out of the house tonight/tomorrow and when they finally split. I was just trying (and obviously failing) to say best wishes to the OP without saying a blunt LTB with no thought to the consequences further down the line.

OP - sorry if this offended you in any way, it wasn't meant to and certainly wasn't supposed to suggest getting back with your partner at all. just trying to provide a little help with having a discussion with him about the money situation - which from the sounds of the way this evening has been - is going to be increasingly difficult and why filling in somebody else's budgeting planner might be an easier way to go about things to work out all the necessary expenditure, rather than just saying 'I want' which he can turn around and throw back in your face and accuse you of frittering money away, even though you absolutely haven't been. If you have the figures, he can't argue with them.

zipzap · 02/03/2013 00:07

and it's moved on again - OP so glad to see that he's gone for good now and thus has definitely become an ex.

YouTheCat · 02/03/2013 00:14

When I wrote 'Trying to make you feel guilty because you have to ask him for money isn't good. But, if he's still there, now would be a good time to calm down and have a good honest chat.

I would usually just say LTB but it's always worth a good chat. You aren't a mind reader and neither is he.'

I was trying to be a bit devil advocatty because I usually just say LTB. But seems like I should have just said LTB to start with.

OP I hope this all works out and you are well rid of him. Be strong. x

Longdistance · 02/03/2013 00:15

My dh was like this. Although I am a sahm with zero income. He'd give me 'housekeeping money' wanker
I demanded several times for a joint account as at times he refused to give me money for important things, and was left several times saying to people I don't have the money Blush
After the straw broke the camels back, I exploded into a rage (which isn't me, as I'm so relaxed I'm almost horizontal). We now have a joint account, and I see exactly where money is going. I have access to money now.
I tell you, there's nothing dignifying about asking for money :(
Now to find out what the fuck he's doing with the rental money from our house bak in the Uk. I do know he's pissed about with money with shares like gambling but need more evidence.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 02/03/2013 00:16

Glad he's gone, Alice.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 00:18

Thanks zip, not offended at all. I appreciate you going to the trouble of giving some advice :) I'll have a proper read when I can see out both eyes.

Thanks youthecat too. In fact thanks everyone. On what could have been a really lonely night, reading your posts have helped so thank you.

OP posts:
HillBilly76 · 02/03/2013 00:19

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Longdistance · 02/03/2013 00:27

Christ, I just caught up. He's shown his true colours hasn't he. What a nasty piece of work.
I hope you get your eye seen to, and make it known to your doc that your dh threw his card into your face as a recorded incident if you don't want to call the police.

BratinghamPalace · 02/03/2013 00:29

Good luck Alice.

Longdistance · 02/03/2013 00:32

Hillbilly, in my case we had separate accounts as I was earning pretty good money. Had to leave my job as we moved countries, and opened an account in my own name. Was just too used to having our own money, and paying equal share of bills. It's how we worked, but unfortunately my dh's not the brightest of sparks.

suburbophobe · 02/03/2013 00:46

He saves a bit of his wage for summer holidays and just keeps the rest I guess.

You guess?! How long have you been together?! 2 weeks?

Girl you are crazy! You are being taken for a "summer holiday by himself".....

Get real and get your finances in order, sit down with him with a list of income and outgoings and DON'T UNDERSELL YOURSELF.

If he is financially abusing you, LTB. You will thank yourself in your future.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 01:25

Sub.

She just kicked him out.

snowshapes · 02/03/2013 07:26

Checking to see how you are, glad he has gone. Stay strong. It is not a reflection on you that he ground you down, but on him.

Re the birthday party, DD has had friends turn up without a gift, I have not batted an eyelid. The point is to spend time with friends. If you can't get anything, make a card or something like that and give the gift later. Presuming you are physically able to get there. How is your eye?

All the best, you will be better off without him.

snowshapes · 02/03/2013 07:30

Make a card might not be good advice if you can't see sorry. Point is don't let lack of gift stop you taking DC if you are able to get there.

blacktaildog · 02/03/2013 08:01

How are you today Alice; ? How is the eye ?

Inertia · 02/03/2013 08:22

Alice, what a frightening turn of events - well done for standing up to him.

Hope you are able to get to see the out of hours doctor this morning - it sounds like a very worrying injury. It is also important that your medical records show that your H deliberately injured you, if you feel that you cannot go to the police.

Can you use a credit card to survive financially for the next couple of weeks, or ask the bank to arrange a temporary overdraft ? You might need to speak to them about any joint accounts such as savings - this man would see his children go hungry to spite you.

You can get help as a single person - things like a reduction in council tax - so make sure you get advice about that. You might need to think about whether your h can force his way back in on the basis that it's his house too, which is why you should really consider lodging a record of your injury with the police.

Lueji · 02/03/2013 08:29

I hope the eye is better today. Get it seen by a doctor anyway.

Well, good riddance to him, you will be better off.

Regarding the party you can let them know you'll give the present in a couple of weeks. You don't have to spend a lot. A book can cost just a couple of pounds.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 08:47

I'm just back from the out of whores and I have some eye drops, couldn't sleep all night at all. I told the doctor exactly what happened so its on record. My parents are dropping off the kids shortly, not looking forward to the interrogation from them.

He has text me about 7 times through the night apologising, I'm not even going to reply. On the plus side I went out to car to get my jacket and spotted a scratch card worth £20, must be his. That'll get the present anyway and if he doesn't transfer any cash over I'll need to ask my parents. I don't have any credit cards.

Thanks for asking :)

OP posts:
Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 08:47

Out of HOURS not whores, wtf!

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 02/03/2013 08:59

Just adding my support Smile

Glad you went to out of hours surgery OP

Ashoething · 02/03/2013 09:13

Well done op for being strong enough to tell him to go-I really admire you as I am in a similiar position with dh regarding finances and I fucking hate it.

CremeEggThief · 02/03/2013 09:13

OMG, Alice :(. So sorry to read about what happened.

You did really well, getting rid of this horrible, controlling man. Well done. Thanks

I hope your eye improves soon, and it's good that what caused the injury will be on record now.

I don't really know what else to say only you will be better off in all ways without him. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.