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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

537 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 15:57

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him Confused

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 02/03/2013 19:58

Can't believe his Police friend gave him a heads up Angry

Glad you're taking it further.

If he is out drinking and comes round, please ring 999 straight away.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 02/03/2013 20:01

Alice, report one of your posts to MN and ask for the move.

WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:01

I've reported the thread now.

I will roomforasmallone

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 02/03/2013 20:02

Aw Alice, so sorry you're going through this. Have been reading since yesterday, and wanted to post to say how in awe I am of your strength.

Hoping you have a quiet evening of crap tv and manage to get some sleep tonight. Can you bolt the doors?

Others are so much more wise in these things than me, but I did wonder if it was worth texting H to say that if he wanted you to think he was a decent person he would transfer money into the savings account to see his kids through to the end of the month. It might be better to avoid all contact though?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 02/03/2013 20:03

Hi Alice
Just want to say how brilliantly you are dealing with this :)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/03/2013 20:10

I've been out all day and just caught up with this thread - things have moved on a bit!

Alice your head must be in a whirl with everything that has happened in such a short space of time, and you must be missing your DCs horribly. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:13

If you could see me you wouldn't think I was doing brilliantly, swollen eyes, no make up, frizzy hair, but thank you. I know I'll be ok in the end :) as long s I have my kids, dog and job I'll be grand and him out of my life.

OP posts:
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:14

I'm so tired I could sleep for a week Ali!

OP posts:
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:17

I am missing them, I just want to protect them as much as possible from everything just now. I miss dd crawling in beside me at 2pm with her cold feet and kicking me all night :)

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 02/03/2013 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoomForASmallOne · 02/03/2013 20:31

Good Smile

And you are doing brilliantly.

Missing your kids is tough but at least you can process it all in peace itms.

Having less to do tonight (dinner,bedtime etc) is good for you because your head must be wrecked and it has been a very draining couple of days.

I'll be grand can be your new mantra Smile

WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:45

I've never even looked in Relationships before, I don't want to leave the comfort of AIBU!

Thanks again to everyone who has offered advice. Debating opening the bottle of vodka in the kitchen...

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/03/2013 20:46

Dont drink. You need to keep your wits about you as tempting as it may seem right now to get hammered. :) You are doing great so far.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 02/03/2013 20:47

Alice, have you got a trashy DVD you could watch?

WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:48

I know, you're right Squeakytoy. It's tempting though.

OP posts:
WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 20:52

No trashy dvd's. I'm watching The Cube and the contestant looks like H Hmm

I do have Netflix, I'll have a look for a nice lighthearted comedy.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 02/03/2013 21:42

Alice you are being incredibly brave. And im glad you are going to put in a complaint about his copper friend warning him.
It was a dangerous irresponsible thing to do which could have had dire consequences.
Unfuckingbelievable.

newcastle34 · 02/03/2013 21:51

Well done op. As others have said please stay strong.

SquinkiesRule · 02/03/2013 22:09

Well done Alice. Stay strong for you and the kids, and also the poor dog

WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 22:11

I think in my sleep deprived stressed state at first I never thought much of the police friend telling H but the more I think about it the more I think how bad it is.

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 02/03/2013 22:17

It is really bad and must be a disciplinary offence??

Report him to his superiors, his telling your H has the potential to be very dangerous.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

NorthernChinchilla · 02/03/2013 22:30

For speed, your Force will have a Professional Standards Department that you can complaint directly to, rather than going via the IPCC, which will delay the complaint being sent to the local Force for a couple of days.
You'll be able to complain via your Force's website, and once you've made the complaint they're legally obliged to contact you within 72 hours to let you know whether they're recording the complaint or not.

I'd report via the website then follow up with a phonecall to PSD (their number should be on the website) first thing Monday, as well as all the other direct contact you're having.

I know there's a million things that you'll be thinking of and will need to do, but you'll need to do this for your own security and to prevent it happening again. Definitely keep the text your ex sent.

Hope you manage to get some sleep.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 22:55

He grabbed your top that's actually an assault.

He has now assaulted you twice in less than 24 hours

I'm a bit concerned about your local police station, the uk's DV procedure is that you do not have the option of pressing charges or not so he should have been arrested,

They should have given you various support service info and done a risk assessment for you and you should have been given some face to face police support and someone from the DV unit should be contacting you ASAP.

I very very much doubt that his police officer friend did tell him anything as he may be his friend but even friends don't like doing favours that get them sacked.

If he had then it would be a serious (dismissal type serious) issue,the type of thing that tends to end up on the front page of the papers, seriously it would be that serious.

Does your husband have a habit of making out he knows everybody that loads of people mention seeing you to him,that it would be hard for you to do anything without him finding out,when you argue does he try to back up his stance by saying that everybody else agrees with him,that sort of thing?

I ask because its much more likely that he is saying that to you to attempt to isolate you from support AND to have you perceive him as all powerful its a very very common thing for blokes like him to say and given that you know he has police friends it would be a very obvious thing for him to use like that.

I have worked in domestic violences services for over 20 years now and in that entire time I have only ever known 1 police officer do anything like that and it was by accident ( the victim was married to a policeman a colleague of his saw her in the station and assumed she had come to see her H and mentioned seeing her).

The best way to call his bluff is to put a complaint in or raise it as a concern with the duty inspector if his mate did tell the shit will hit the fan or his mate will go out of his way to avoid even a hint of people thinking he did and probably drop your H like a hot potato.

Keep all text messages from him and try not to respond to any if he phones don't bother answering,your call logs can be great evidence of harassment,if he turns up again on the doorstep try to avoid opening the door so he can't push past you again ( incidentally that's another assault)

Does he have a back door key? If not use that door to go in and out and leave your front door key in the lock even when out that way he can't get in when you are not there.

If you want to pm me your vague area I can see if I can find you a DV outreach worker near by to help you.

WomanCalledAlice · 02/03/2013 23:56

Thanks socks, I've cracked open the vodka so ill read your post properly in the morning.

I don't know what I think, I'd like to think his friend didn't text him and he's just bluffing, I will look into it

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 03/03/2013 00:00

That was the instruction I forgot about.

Crack open the vodka have a nice birthday drink dance on your dining room table and sing songs loudly.

But first make sure the doors are locked

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