OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

[Superloopy7]

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

From what I know she was only ever violent towards him. Picture perfect from the outside. Violent and abusive spouse behind closed doors. He never told anyone until one day he just broke down in work and the lot tumbled out. Despite all telling him to leave it was another 18 months before he did.

So in relation to the OP's husbandm what about the second group of children he hasn't kept in touch with, the ones the OP did know about? Do we think that this man has been unfortunate enough to be in two relationships with violent and abusive women who then keep him separated from his kids? It's always possible, but a) statistically it's more likely that he has just been a run-of-the-mill deadbeat dad, and b) he has not said to the OP that this is the case, which surely if it was, he would say so.

There's a pattern of behaviour here that makes some things seem more likely than others, is what most posters are saying.

Op, you'd be a fool to stand by him. He left his children with a violent partner, and refused to have anything to do with these kids? You've got to be kidding. And as far as you know, he has now 6 kids? He sits out in the den smoking dope? He must have thanked his lucky star the day you walked into his life....

In response to snazzy, it is well documented how abused partners often end up in other abusive relationships. There is also evidence to suggest that almost as many men as women are the victims in abusive relationships and are less likely to report it.

Your agenda is showing, BS

No agenda.

Look, everyone whether man or woman should get out of a violent or abusive relationship.

They should get out of unhappy ones too.

But parenthood isn't something anyone has the right to abandon.

Few mothers would leave children in the sole care of someone who has been violent to anyone because statistically it's rare for a violent person to confine their activities just towards a partner. Even if that was considered a low risk, there is just no excuse to opt out of children's lives however difficult a co-parent might be to preserving contact. That's why family law exists. It's different if in later years a parent is able to prove that he or she went to court to try to uphold the children's parental rights, but an ex disobeyed contact orders or flew under the radar. Children are however less than impressed with absent parents who didn't even try to see them and just gave up.

Parenthood is not a disposable option - and neither is paying for children.

Let's not forget that the bloke we're on the thread to discuss hasn't just opted out of four kids' lives, he hasn't paid a bean for any of them either.

There are absolutely no excuses for that.

I know of someone who had no contact with his child because the mother was violent to him - and I do actually believe it as she has done it to other people since. I don't think I will ever understand why that meant he couldn't have contact with his child though, even if he was scared/thought it would be disruptive to the child/whatever because surely you would want to be more involved not less. He did pay though, but I think that is besides the point

Yes, you would want to be more involved not less, if the resident parent had form for violence and abuse. I agree entirely.

But society and new partners excuse fathers for doing this far more than they would mothers, when we should hold parents of both sexes to account.

Pure OP didn't say he left the kids with a violent partner. You're being confused by BS story. Plus she only knew about 2 kids.Can OP carry on even if her OH is telling the truth about both previous relationships and the zero contact reasons he gave her when he's lied to her face on so many occasions not least of all over the existence of 25 year old twins?

A nine year old boy here in the States was just murdered by his father, who up until that time had only been abusive toward the boy's mother.

If you will cross that line and hurt someone(out of anything other than self defense), you are capable of doing it again and I'd think very poorly on anyone, man or woman, who left their children in that situation.

There is also evidence to suggest that almost as many men as women are the victims in abusive relationships

Buffalosoldier could you link to that evidence please?

I was under the impression that - despite the Coronation St storyline at the moment - male victims of domestic abuse are very rare. In contrast, 2 women are murdered each week by their male partners.

A helpline for male victims of domestic abuse was set up in my region some years ago (taking funding from the Refuge). It closed down after 2 years because they only received 3 genuine calls in that time, the rest were hoax. The Refuge always has a waiting list.

Buffalo is a visitor from another ranty website, methinks

Wotaboutthemenz.com is it's name

Yes please, Buffalo, 'evidence suggests...' is not really enough to convince me in itself. Plus you are suggesting a possibility for the OP's situation based on what happened to your friend. There is no evidence so far that this is the case for the OP's husband.

Try google search. Plenty of evidence to choose from.

Google search????

Er, no, Buffalo - I think you're getting convinced about who is here to convince who. You came here with a point to make and several of us have asked you to back it up with links. If you are as knowledgeable as you represent yourself to be on this matter, that shouldn't be hard for you.

I have a friend with a four month old DD whose father has never seen her. He tells everyone that my friend is a crazy ranting psychobitch who won't let him near her, is dangerous, etc. (It's all untrue, he just CBA).

And everyone seems to accept this bullshit from him! There is ^no way I'd leave my children with an unstable person without putting up one hell of a fight. I'd want as much access as possible to make sure they were safe and knew they could depend on me.

OP, I can sympathise a little with how you feel. When I met DH I categorically stated that I would never have a relationship with a man who had children, because either he would always put his children first, and I would get frustrated, OR he wouldn't, which would make him a rubbish dad and not for me. DH said nothing, but I found out a couple of months later, through his own slip-up, that he had a daughter. He lied again, said he had only just found out. I found evidence that he was lying, that he had lived with his daughter's mum for 2 years, and was still regularly visiting his daughter, a daughter he had kept a secret from me.

I was raging. Not only because of his deceit (like your OH, his excuse was that he knew I would dump him, and he thought he would enjoy it while it lasted)but because he thought he was cleverer than me- clever enough to deceive me- stupid delusional git!

I let him know in no uncertain terms that he was dumped. I was very angry and needed space. I also realised he had become important to me, but there was no way I could just accept it and carry on. I took a couple of weeks while I digested what it meant, what it would mean. Meanwhile, he called me several times a day.

I took him back, but I made it crystal clear that he was not smart enough to lie to me and have me never find out. He knows that I will ALWAYS catch him out, there is no point in trying to lie to me. I accepted that his dd would be part of our lives, with all that entailed.

Sadly that's not really what happened. THings went bad between him and his ex, unpleasantries were exchanged. The CSA got involved (which actually ended up with him paying less than he had been) and he discovered his dd was calling his ex's new partner "dad". We live a fair bit away, and DH was away a lot, sometimes for long periods, so regular contact was impossible, and things got worse when his mum (who had always been part of his dd's life) got a nasty letter telling her to stay away. DH decided to back off (a decision I didn't support, but which I believe he genuinely thought was "for the best") and we haven't seen his dd in years.

We now have 3 dc and have been married 10 years. Think it's a bit unfair to say that every man who has "abandoned" a child will do the same again. DH is older, wiser and in a relationship of his choosing, rather than one he felt shoe-horned into. We recently got in touch with his dd via FB, as CSA payments were stopping, and he felt sad. it is early days but they are e-mailing and hopefully things can improve from here (I had urged him to try to contact her for years, but he refused, although I know he always cared about her).

It's obviously harder for you, OP, as there are children involved, but I think the best thing I did was give myself a bit of space to sort out how I felt and what I wanted to do, what it all meant. I'm not exonerating your OH (smoking pot doesn't seem like a particularly mature way of handling things) but his treatment of these twins doesn't necessarily mean he will do exactly the same to you and your children, although of course it is a possibility. I think you should ask him to leave for a while until you sort out what YOU want, without him in the background. Good luck

www.ncdv.org.uk/index.html

hope that works. (I'm on my mobile and at work)

BS, why don't you start a new thread to put your dubious point across ?

Hijacking this woman's thread is a shitty thing to do

To badly misquote Oscar Wilde, 'to lose contact with one set of children is unfortunate, to lose contact with two sets is pure cuntery'

'to lose contact with one set of children is unfortunate, to lose contact with two sets is pure cuntery'

He had a point.

OP you are in a horrible situation but I think that one thing you need to do is tell your Dds the truth about the twins now. Don't let them ever think that you too hid the situation from them. Don't overthink this by worrying about any consequences, just tell them, otherwise you are being sucked in and are starting to keep your partner's secrets for him too.

BUffalo Some stats for you from the Crown Prosecution Service. The only stats I can find for male victims are from a lobby group, Parity. They are asserted but not supported with evidence. CPS are obviously drawing their stats from police and court figures.

I will post no more about this here, other than to say if a man stops seeing his children because the other parent is abusive he should be more determined than ever to get access/custody of his children through the court. For me, it would be a very powerful reason to continue contact, not an excuse to stop it. The children's lives might depend on the non-abusive parent's determination.

www.cps.gov.uk/news/articles/domestic_violence_-_the_facts_the_issues_the_future/

Nearly 1 million women experience at least one incident of domestic abuse each year (2009/10 British Crime Survey data:rds.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs10/hosb1210.pdf as reported in latest cross-government VAWG strategy www.homeoffice.gov.uk/publications/crime/call-end-violence-women-girls/vawg-paper?view=Binary)
At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence (DoH, (2002) Women's Mental Health : Into the Mainstream, accessed at: webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/www.dh.gov.uk/en/Consultations/Closedconsultations/DH_4075478 p.16)
Two women are killed each week by their partner or ex-partner (Womens Aid (March 2011) accessed at: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1280)
54 per cent of women victims of serious sexual assault were assaulted by their partner or ex-partner (Stern, (2010) The Stern Review p.9 accessed at www.equalities.gov.uk/pdf/Stern_Review_of_Rape_Reporting_1FINAL.pdf )
Victims of domestic violence are more likely to experience repeat victimisation than victims of any other types of crime(British Crime Survey Reports)
76 per cent of all DV incidents are repeat (Flatley, Kershaw, Smith, Chaplin and Moon (July 2010) BCS - Crime in England and Wales 2009/10 , Home Office, accessed at rds.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs10/hosb1210.pdf p24)
Women experience an average of 35 incidents of domestic violence before reporting an incident to the police (Yearnshaw 1997, accessed at safer.sthelens.gov.uk/SITEMANV2/publications/40/0901316LeafletsforDVVictims_3.pdf)
19 per cent of women have experienced stalking since the age of 16 (Smith (Ed.), Coleman, Eder and Hall (January 2011) Homicides, Firearm Offences and Intimate Violence 2009/10 Supplementary Volume 2 to Crime in England and Wales 2009/10, Home Office accessed at rds.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs11/hosb0111.pdf)
These statistics are shocking and demonstrate that women are still more at risk of violent crime at home than anywhere else.