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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

241 replies

Superloopy7 · 01/03/2013 15:54

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

OP posts:
NotADragonOfSoup · 07/03/2013 17:08

And yet who allows them to behave like this?
The women who they then go on to have other relationships with.

Oh yes, it's the woman's fault Hmm

Xiaoxiong · 07/03/2013 17:23

I think the point is well made. No one, not even the OP, is arguing that this guy is a weapons grade liar and pot-addled dickhead who should have been kicked out long, long ago. Hindsight is 20/20.

Now let's give the OP all the support she needs to kick this sorry tosser to the kerb and make sure she nails down the financial support for her DDs they deserve.

something2say · 07/03/2013 17:38

I think as well, lets give her a space to talk it all through without having to jump immediately to the conclusion we all think she should make. It must be a terrible shock.

CheerfulYank · 07/03/2013 17:48

Oh OP.

You say that your daughters adore him. Presumably the other children did too (the other two, not the "secret" twins) and then he left. He didn't give up contact to spare them grief, I'd wager he just couldn't be arsed.

If he has already treated four children this way, there's no reason to think your daughters will be any different.

onefewernow · 07/03/2013 18:10

OP what are the absolute facts?

That he will always cry and feel sorry for himself when he has behaved appallingly.

That his need to get comfort or whatever it is from an attentive woman will always come before his kids.

That he is a liar.

That he runs to another woman as soon as you have your eye off his ego with a baby on the way.

That he handles any uncomfortable feelings about himself with another joint.

I suspect he is a philanderer in nature, who sees other people's role in his life as making him feel good about himself. If they don't, he moves on, as though they never existed, even when he has created them himself.

I have a sister who was married to a man like this, with 4 kids and 2 previous marriages behind him. It took her 25 years to finally see the light, and in the end it has partly destroyed her. Needless to say, he has dumped a couple of the kids he had with her. Sees just one who is useful to him . And even recently she found out about another one, which he had hidden and denied.

onefewernow · 07/03/2013 18:11

Ps keep thinking. You will notice more when you put your mind to it. Things like this act as a catalyst to rearrange the picture, and help you to reevaluate him in a whole new light.

lemonstartree · 07/03/2013 18:33

you poor thing. What a horrible shock. Dont feel guilty and dont feel stupid - how could you have known ?

I agree, unfortunately, with other who point out that he has now abandoned 4 out of 6 children ( that you know about) - and what kind of person that makes him .

You sound strong, kind, intelligent and capable. Does he deserve you? I think not really.

Good luck

kinkyfuckery · 07/03/2013 19:06

What a horrible situation for him to put you in.

OP are you scared that if you end your relationship he will do the same to your children?

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 19:14

I think that's a foregone conclusion, isn't it ?

kinkyfuckery · 07/03/2013 19:18

I just wondered if that was the only (or main) reason for being unsure what next step to take.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 19:20

I know, KF

not a reason to stay with him...a reason to run very, very far away

moondog · 07/03/2013 19:50

'Oh yes, it's the woman's fault'

Whose fault is it then Dragon? Are women so ineffectual and weak willed that they are powerless to resist fuckwits? Is that what you are saying?

LynetteScavo · 07/03/2013 19:55

I too would be gutted.

I would be concerned if he could deny his two older children's existance like this, he could also pretend the DC you have together are non-existant.

I wouldn't have much respect for someone with such an attitude. Sad

Snazzynewyear · 07/03/2013 19:56

He will never, ever tell you the truth about anything if it is better for him not to. That is now inescapable. Carrying on with him means accepting that you will be lied to for the rest of your life, and so will your daughters. I think you all deserve a lot better than that.

clam · 07/03/2013 20:19

In my experience, anyone who swears on their children's/mother's/dog's life about something, is always lying through their teeth.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 20:20

clam yup, with you on that one

it's very Kyle-esque to swear on someone's life...and those that do invariably fail the lie detector test

Original poster
Superloopy7 · 07/03/2013 21:44

Kinkyfuckery I'm not scared that he'll do the same to my DDs. If he does I'd feel really sorry for them but justified that I'd made the right decision. My DDs are adored by me, my wonderful family and loyal friends. They are a complete joy. It would be OH's devastating loss.

Why am I unsure what step to take? Because I'm loyal to the hilt and I always want to think the best of people, especially those that are closest to me. Because the good times and love we shared first as a couple and then a family are clouding my judgement on this latest deceit and those that have gone before. Because when kids are involved shouldn't you put their needs first and if I send their Daddy away I need to be as sure as possible that I'm doing the right thing by them? And because I've gone into this relationship wanting to trust and there's still a fragment of it that he hasn't destroyed.

I originally posted on here to get some objective perspectives on a situation that I still can't believe has happened. Something2say, you're right, talking it through with strangers is helping. From the "get a grip OP" posts to the kind words. I need honesty, my god do I need honesty. Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 21:46

You won't ever get it from your H though, unfortunately

Decide you can live like that, if you must, but it isn't a path to be recommended

CabbageLeaves · 07/03/2013 21:50

You deserve more. Just that.

He's a con artist who knows how to pick soft hearted women who won't see through him. Stop being in denial. Harden that heart and find a good man. He isn't

Xiaoxiong · 07/03/2013 22:00

Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses now because at this point you are never going to trust him again.

Your DDs will continue to have a rewarding relationship with him if he is willing to put in the time and effort. Unfortunately the likelihood of this is slim. But the downsides for your DDs of you not kicking him out for good are really genuinely bad - the relationship modelling alone, let alone the lying, the lack of trust, the lack of respect, the terrible atmosphere.

MsPavlichenko · 07/03/2013 22:04

You won't be "sending their Daddy away". You'll be explaining to them, that you and their Daddy will no longer be living together, somehting that is the norm for countless other families.

It is interesting that you phrased it like that, and I suspect says a lot about your expectations of him. He may well love your children, but with all that you've told us, its hard to see how he can possibly be a good father

badinage · 07/03/2013 22:08

The thing is, we can be supportive of someone who's in this situation, while pointing out that it's always a red flag about a bloke if he's already abandoned two kids. If someone had said this to the OP years ago, maybe she would have got out before having two kids with this tosser who's unfaithful to her and pisses money and time up the wall on weed and as it turns out, has lied throughout their married life and has abandoned 4 of his 6 kids.

It's relevant to the OP if we say it even after the event, because it reinforces to her that this bloke is no good and is definitely not worth staying with. And it reinforces it to lurkers too, because I've been on a lot of threads recently where women are making pisspoor excuses for partners who are absent fathers.

Of course his fecklessness is not the OP's fault, but women who tolerate men who are shit fathers to their children from earlier relationships do have some responsibility to bear when it goes belly-up for them too. If a man treats his exes and his children like shit, why on earth does the next woman think he'll treat them and their children any better? No one person can change a bad man that much.

OP, there's no positive spin on this at all. It's impossible to 'see the best' in someone who has behaved this way. There are simply no excuses or different slants on this.

This bloke is selfish to the core and only cares about his own needs. If you value your daughters' security, you will get out now before he has a chance to dump you all before he moves on to the next woman to impregnate.

If you stay, how on earth are you going to tell your daughters that they've got 4 half-siblings that their father has had nothing to do with? Don't you think they'll judge him and you for not paying for those children? Are you going to tell them the truth that you knew about 2 but not about 4? And what about his affair? That was only the one you know about. How do you know there aren't even more kids he's sired with women who thought he was a victim of nasty wives?

Snazzynewyear · 07/03/2013 22:10

What is this fragment of trust you still have in him? He would lie to you about absolutely anything if it suited him. He would lie to your kids. He has already deceived them and made them fit in with his lies. I don't see how he can be trusted to do the best fo them. You're right that children's needs should be prioritised but unfortunately it looks like that will always be down to you. He hasn't done it for any of his other kids, has he?

asfarasitgoes · 07/03/2013 22:23

Sometimes you start off with a little lie and then as time goes on you just get deeper and deeper until it becomes something that you can't back out of. It's a well known psychological phenomenon. I'm not sure it makes your OH a bad person as suggested by many on here. Seems a bit rough on your two DDs to deprive them of a father without giving OH a second chance?

CabbageLeaves · 07/03/2013 22:24

A 4 and 1yr old will cope better than older DC if you part. Staying together until they are adults sounds a hugely unlikely prospect OP.