OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

[Superloopy7]

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

Do you not think I should do more digging before I tell him to leave? I am realising that he will lie to me about anything if it suits him. Badinage you make lucid and strong points. I will always live with the guilt of colluding in the abandonment of the kids I knew about by choosing to believe that he'd been wronged by his ex. By staying I would be colluding in his cover up of the twins too to my DDs. And yes, I will tell them the truth.

I think you are all getting very mean to her now.

Oh, there goes her marriage, oh well, well Done, cheers and goodbye - onto the next thread!

Do you really think it is that easy to end a relationship??

Give her some time for the shock to wear off for gods sake!!!

FWIW I do agre with the thinking btw. We as women have to take our rosy sunglasses off but it is hard at times. The tendency to want things to remain the same is very strong.
Even if they can't.

asfarasitgoes thanks for posting an alternative view. OH said he thought he'd told me early on in the relationship. Then when it became obvious that he hadn't, he felt it would be too damaging to let the cat out of the bag. He said when I asked him about the twins he panicked and lied. He said he panicked and lied when I confronted him with the texts and who the number belonged to. He said he panicked and lied when he denied being caught speeding but DD1 said the police had stopped the car and asked him to produce his docs which he never did leading to his licence being revoked. He said he panicked and lied when he had gone to pick weed up but told me he'd been talking to my BF's fiancée who was impressively also working in a hospital 28 miles away. He ignored a series of parking tickets and driving fines until we had bailiffs knocking at my door and I sorted it out by arranging payment plans...

The stock 'psychological' response is one thing, but to put yourself in the same situations that require cover up is what's also been rocking our relationship. He won't take responsibility for anything.

I commend your honesty with us about all the things he's done over the years.

To pick up though on 'asfar's' post, this isn't just about lying and an untruth that got too big, bad though that is. The far greater offence is his utter failure to shoulder his parenting responsibilities to 4 kids. To this we must add all the additional acts of selfishness and dishonesty that he's shown towards the OP in their time together, including being unfaithful to her when she was at her most vulnerable. If all that doesn't make someone a bad person, what does? And remember, these are just the things known to the OP. I'm sure other people he's conned over the years could tell their own tales, plus there are probably other secrets while in this relationship that are still with-held.

I'd put his claim that he 'though he'd told you' about the twins on a par with his other lie that his family 'thought you knew' about them. It's a form of gaslighting, but the lies are so ridiculous that no-one of sound mind could believe them.

As if you'd forget that he had two other children and had never mentioned them all these years.

As if his family wouldn't have mentioned the twins in front of you, if they thought you knew of their existence.

How can he insult your intelligence in this way?

He does it because he knows that he can spin ever more ludicrous tales and because you want to stay in the relationship so badly and believe the best of him, he will be believed.

When someone gets away with terrible behaviour time and time again with no consequences, their behaviour only gets worse. And their respect for a partner diminishes with each lie that's believed.

By the way, what more digging would change anything?

You've got a divorce lawyer's dreamcard of unreasonable behaviour already.

Loop Hes told so many lies now, if he was pinochio, his nose could wrap around the globe.

Hes so ridiculous, can you honestly say to yourself, this is the best i can get?, because i think your so much better than him.

People only lie to hide things, as hes obviously got more skeletons than a graveyard.

The thing is, this man has let down his children in the absolute worst way a parent can. He's abandoned them. Not only that, he's denied their very existence.

Sadly OP, it is almost a certainty that he will let your DDs down.

All that money he spends on drugs? Was it the maintenance he should have paid to support and see his children by any chance?

Do you know OP that cannabis can lead to psychosis? Your husband might be one of those lucky enough not to be affected by cannabis in this way. But how will you feel if one of your DDs smokes it when she's older (afterall, 'it's fine, Dad does it')
and she gets a criminal record or much much worse it triggers a psychotic state.

You cannot stay with this man and continue to call yourself a decent mother. Tell him to go.

It is normal to still feel love towards him, but as soon as he has gone and you get some distance you will start to feel and see how he really is - rather than the person you thought he was.

As the poster something said earlier, it is hard to end a relationship but there are many relationships which are damn hard to be in as well. This sounds like one of them.

I left an abusive relationship which sounded just like your in many ways (different details but essentially a man you see as incapable rather than responsible?). The problem I had and you have is a sense of deserting a 'needy' person. I mothered him and knew he'd had a shit childhood so was very sympathetic and tolerant of the 'behaviour'. I also loved him and the man I had married was funny, kind and loving. He became grumpy, selfish, vindictive and irresponsible financially. Cannabis featured heavily here as did alcohol. I stayed because I wanted him to 'recover'. Wanted to heal him. Wanted my 'marriage' back, worried how he would cope without me. Accepting it had gone was very prolonged and hard for me.

What I wish someone had done for me is what is happening here. Some straight talking. No excusing his behaviour, no 'you try harder' and it will work.

I left and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Finances improved, (no reckless spender) and the biggest most important thing...my DD calmed down and became less tense and more peaceful. She's happy. My older two suffered because ...well because they were older so their ability to understand and be affected was more. I also think they'd suffered our tense relationship for too long. I bitterly regret staying which is why I come on these threads and hope desperately that another woman will see the light.

"deprive your children of a father"

such ridiculously emotive language could only come from someone with a very suspect agenda

I am sorry to see you grab onto that particular straw, OP

stop listening to the messages that you are nothing without a man (any man...even a useless one like this), and that your DD's will suffer if you finally decide you and they are worth more than this deceitful tosser

your daughters don't need to see you swallowing such ridiculous lies like some sort of Stepford wife

"he thought he told me"...how did you keep a straight face with that one ?

"Because I'm loyal to the hilt and I always want to think the best of people" it will do you well to recognise that this is a very dangerous trait in yourself. I am also very loyal and want to see the best in people. I used to think it was a positive trait. Now I see it as a double edged sword, as being like this leaves you very vulnerable to manipulation by people who do not have the same high standards in how they treat others.

Some people in this world are manipulative, selfish, damaging individuals who don't know how to do the right thing. People like you and I gloss over the wrongs they do to others (including yourself)!by being too fucking understanding. I have (mostly) got over being like this after coming up against one particular individual (my ex) who was very damaging indeed to me. I had to pull the wool off my eyes to survive.

I realised I had a different set of standards for people who made excuses for themselves for the way they treated others while maintaining a high set of standards for myself and people I considered together and competent. Your "wrong side of the tracks" comment rang bells here (not that he had a rough upbringing, but that you may give him more slack because of it).

I've had to learn that actually people who aren't able or willing to treat others with the respect it's obvious they should be given, and damaging and dangerous people who have no place in my life.

I have become more cynical and less trusting, but I am a better - and safer - person because of it. When I allowed my impulse to see the best in others to run unchecked, I was (I can now see) incredibly naive and a danger to myself and those close to me by letting damaging people into my life.

He 'panics and lies' a lot, doesn't he? It seems to be his default position when anything goes wrong. You want to put up with that forever?

His relationship with his children is neither your fault nor your responsibility. It's his, and he couldn't be bothered.

I'm not sure what you expect to find with more digging. Possibly more secrets, but at this stage does it matter? He's made it clear what kind of man he is. I appreciate that saying LTB is far easier said than done, however.

I am realising that he will lie to me about anything if it suits him.

Sadly that is true.

He also seems to do anything which suits him, eg kids, drugs, sitting in his den whilst you cope on his behalf.

Everyone has a right to more than this.

I recently found out I have 4 older siblings tbh I really resent my M&D for never telling me and have decided that if they lied to me all my life then I don't want anything to do with them anymore, I feel I've missed out on so much (I was raised as an Oc) don't let him do this to ur Dds

Good luck and big hugs xxx

I second the danger in being both loyal and seeing the best in people. I am the same, it has burned me more times than I care to remember. It means manipulative people have taken advantage of me, and I have wasted emotion and hurt myself believing more of people than they are.

There's also a bit of a rescuer in me. Not everyone can be saved. It's not my job to try. Are you trying to save him? People told you he was bad, you ploughed on seeing the best side and saving him from himself. It's a dangerous way to be. You risk hurting no one but yourself.

Excellent post above from aufaniae

OP, you are in what might be called a codependent relationship with an addict. You might want to try and get yourself some counselling or attend 12 step groups with people who have freed themselves from this.

Take your time to plan your exit and come to terms with this, you need to be prepared that he will give you no financial support and lose interest in DDs as soon as he has found the next person to convince that the evil ex won't let him near his children I'm afraid. I think I understood that he is a plumber so I presume self-employed? One of the professions most chased and most notorious for being able to wangle out of CSA demands.

I'm not sure if I understood correctly that he was caught speeding with DD in the car? You have to think really seriously about what to do if this is the case and you split because he can't be trusted to have them. You may even need to report his criminal activity (easy to forget that possession of weed is a crime, if only a minor one these days) to the police to protect you and the DDs. Very sorry for you that it has come to this, as you say, you were just trying to be loyal, I'm afraid your loyalty has been misplaced.

Just a couple of things about this thread that concern me. Whilst not condoning, nor supporting, the OP's OH, some comments here are quite sinister.
For example, how did 'he was texting somebody' morph into 'he's been unfaithful' or 'he's cheated before'?
Everybody appears so eager to have the OH hung, drawn and quartered without the full facts. The OP herself said she knows very little of what actually happened.
I once worked with a chap who, after many years of being on the receiving end of a violent relationship, not only via his OH but her family too, garnered enough courage to leave. His ex continued the abuse, mentally this time, by doing all she could to prevent him access to his child. Missed visits, moving house, changing phone numbers, even threats of more violence. Eventually he gave up. Every ounce of fight slowly but surely eaten away. Is he also a disgraceful father for not seeing his child grow up?
As I said, without all the facts, anything can seem a million times worse than the reality of a situation.

Are you calling op a liar, BS ?

Come right out and say it if you think that is the case

What has your unfortunate example got to do with this woman ?

Never called anyone a liar. I simply said that sometimes things happen for reasons beyond your control.

All this stuff has been completely IN this man's control

"control" being the operative word

You are excusing the inexcusable

How, and where, did I excuse him?
I said the OP herself doesn't know the reasons why OH is/was not in touch with eldest sons. Therefore how can she, let alone anybody else, make judgements on something you know little about.

I hate the way these men who leave their children with allegedly violent women and their families, get off scot free and even get sympathy for abandoning their kids to that hell. Bollocks to that. No woman would get sympathy for leaving her children with a violent man in a violent extended family, or for not trying her damndest to uphold her children's rights to see her by using the law if necessary.

Also, this bloke was sending another woman 700 texts in a 4 week period while his wife was pregnant. When confronted, he lied that the calls were to an internet forum rather than the specific woman it turned out to be. Anyone who has a different interpretation of that other than infidelity needs to check their grip on reality.

Allegedly violent?

She stabbed him once. Broke his cheekbone, jaw and fingers. Dislocated his eye socket. Numerous other cuts, bruises, beatings and threats.

These men eh.

Are you sure BS?

It could just be one of those things that are out of one's control.......

As sure as being stood next to him daily for 5 years. She was from a 'big' family. He never stood a chance. Went from happy, confident and outgoing to a reclusive wreck of a man, frightened of his own shadow.

But why would you leave your child with someone capable of stabbing someone?