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Original poster

OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

241 replies

Superloopy7 · 01/03/2013 15:54

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

OP posts:
NotADragonOfSoup · 07/03/2013 09:08

For me, what it would all come down to is "what else is he hiding?". If he can hide two children for eight years then I bet that isn't all

This. Although more that he directly lied when questioned about it.

NotADragonOfSoup · 07/03/2013 09:08

Sorry you've got to deal with this.

chucklemummy · 07/03/2013 11:52

How long was there between him denying it and you finding out Superloopy? Sorry you're going through this. How are things lying at the moment? Is he still on the charm offensive hoping it will all blow over?

Original poster
Superloopy7 · 07/03/2013 13:32

I know mummymccar. The enormity of this deceit is bringing up some other major instances where I've battled with trust issues and taken his word for it.

It's not going to help with the character portrayal or indeed your judgements of me in choosing a partner when I say that I knew he had two other DCs from the relationship prior to ours. When I first got together with him he was seeing them for supervised visits but after about 4 months of us seeing each other these stopped. He said that his xOH didn't like that we were together and refused him access. He didn't want to take her to court for access, saying that it would cause more grief and hurt to the kids and everyone involved. I said then and have been saying all along that if he wants to then I'd support him 100% and of course, I offered to end the relationship if it helped him get access.

I've been living with the guilt of feeling that because he and I got together too soon after the relationship breakup, (approx 2 months) that I was to blame for him not being able to see his kids. This latest revelation has made me wonder if it's just that he stopped paying maintenance or demanded to see them on different terms (he doesn't put away money for them at all or send birthday cards) and has been refused access because of that, rather than because of me. It's definitely made me stick with the relationship over the years because of the thought of what he's given up to be with me.

Then there was the 700+ texts to one number over a 4 week period when I was heavily pregnant with DD2. I am the account holder for his phone and when a whopper of a bill landed I checked it out, checked his phone and found the popular number listed under an address rather than a name. The texts had been sent all hours of night and day. When I confronted him about it he first of all denied it saying it was for a forum that he subscribed to - I then told him I'd checked his phone and it was for an address and there was one corresponding text still on his phone which said "Hi peachy, sorry I couldn't pop round today with your birthday card". Doesn't sound like the sort of text you would send the administrator of a forum... then he told me that it was an old female friend who was having a bad time and he'd had the number in his phone under an address because he'd been doing work on the house (he's a plumber) and that's how they got back in touch. He swore on our DDs lives that there was nothing else to it. I texted the woman (who I'd never even heard of) and she said how much he adored me and DD1 and it was totally innocent, although she could see how I would think that!

At the same time as writing this and realising how it appears to strangers (I'd be screaming at me to GTFO) I still care for him.

Chucklemummy, there were 8 weeks between me asking OH are they your kids and me finding out. Things at home are really awkward - separate rooms and tears from him when I leave for work or go to bed without showing any affection.

OP posts:
Original poster
Superloopy7 · 07/03/2013 13:33

sorry for the long extra post Blush

OP posts:
moondog · 07/03/2013 13:36

What, there are two other kids as well as the secret ones? Shock

Original poster
Superloopy7 · 07/03/2013 13:41

Yes. He has six now ... to my knowledge

OP posts:
moondog · 07/03/2013 13:42

Which rather begs the question as to why you got involved with him in the first place.
He sounds like a first class prick.

Xiaoxiong · 07/03/2013 13:45

I think you are correct and that he has lied to you about the reasons he lost contact with his other two kids. Even worse, he has lied to you and made it seem like it was your fault Sad

I'm not judging you for choosing him as a partner - hindsight is 20/20 but everyone makes mistakes. You couldn't have known the extent to which he would lie to you in the future - 8 weeks of lying straight to your face about his own children, let alone all the rest.

It's what you do when you realise you've made a mistake that matters. You say you'd be screaming at yourself to GTFO - I think you've got your answer there. Is your caring for him enough to cancel out the enormity of all the rest of what he's done and what he might do in the future? Can you ever trust him again, knowing what has happened?

GuffSmuggler · 07/03/2013 13:46

So he has 4 kids that he hasn't bothered with and just deserted without a dad because it was 'too difficult' to do otherwise.

This is all you need to know about him to a make a decision really isn't it?

Original poster
Superloopy7 · 07/03/2013 13:46

When I got together with him he was just a kind, considerate, funny man with two kids from a previous relationship. I didn't and still wouldn't judge anyone for that; it wouldn't stop me starting a relationship with them.

OP posts:
badinage · 07/03/2013 13:49

Come on OP.

This man's a wrongun'.

He's got 4 kids who haven't had a father because of his selfishness. The reason he didn't go to court had nothing to do with the kids' feelings. He just couldn't be arsed and didn't want to spend the money. He's an absolute disgrace.

Of course his family knew you didn't know about the twins. It's ludicrous to think they wouldn't have cropped up in conversations with the in-laws.

He was having a bloody affair with the woman at the house and she simply covered for him so that it could continue.

It would be absolute madness to continue in this marriage. As soon as he meets someone else he'll abandon your kids too.

Xiaoxiong · 07/03/2013 13:52

moondog why give the OP a kicking for what we now know in hindsight? When they got together as far as she knew he had only two kids, and he was seeing them for supervised visits and paying maintenance. I don't think that's enough to disqualify anyone from starting relationship.

But now you have additional information OP, you can make a fully informed decision. I wouldn't expect him to make any effort to have any contact with your DDs in future on the basis of his past behaviour towards his other kids Sad

badinage · 07/03/2013 13:53

Hang on, so what you're saying is that he hasn't paid a bean for any of these kids, or sent them money or remembered their birthdays - and you haven't judged him for that?

Why the hell not?

Wewereherefirst · 07/03/2013 13:53

He will treat your children the same way he treats the others. In fact he does, he prefers to smoke weed.

Is this the lovely relationship you want your children growing up with? Do you want them to have relationships like this because they've not known any different?

Xiaoxiong · 07/03/2013 13:53

Which just in case it's unclear is NOT a reason to stay with him!

something2say · 07/03/2013 13:55

I would feel the same as you super loopy....

So what are you thinking you will do now?

badinage · 07/03/2013 14:00

Having two kids might not have stopped you having a relationship with him in the first place, but I do judge someone who stayed in a relationship with a bloke who'd given up on his kids, sent no money and didn't even acknowledge their birthdays. Feeling guilt about him choosing you over his kids wasn't a reason to stay. It should have been a reason to leave. It wasn't your guilt to own then.

Original poster
Superloopy7 · 07/03/2013 14:03

badinage In all honesty I've probably believed him when he's said that the cards or gifts would be destroyed and his money refused by his Ex. And I've probably been living in denial and definitely guiltily. I never wanted to think the worst of him.

OP posts:
badinage · 07/03/2013 14:09

Yeah I can see that.

But no more.

I feel terribly sorry for those 4 kids and their mothers.

Please see him for what he is now and get the hell out. He's a congenital liar and a shocking father and partner.

Your guilt will get worse if you stay with him. Put your own children first now and tie him down to paying for them.

badinage · 07/03/2013 14:42

And this is a general point.

It's high time that we started judging fathers who give up their children's rights to see them in the same way we would judge mothers who do the same thing.

If more women voted with their feet and dumped blokes who did this, it would send such a message to these dickheads that parenthood isn't a disposable option as soon as a new woman comes along.

I'm sick and tired of hearing lame excuses about psychotic ex wives and myths about the family law system being weighted against fathers, from blokes who've never even tried to do the right thing by their kids.

We should judge men like that and no woman should give them houseroom.

Owllady · 07/03/2013 14:53

I think if he wqas scared his mum would let the cvat our of the bag then she knew you didn't know and he had asked her to keep quiet but she felt uncomfortable with it, because lets face it she is the one who has told you now. I imagine if you want to know any more, ask her

EIGHT years though, eight years. If it was a few weeks or a couple of months I could understand but after eight years you must be absolutely gutted and furious

moondog · 07/03/2013 14:59

Hear hear Badinage.
Women would be crucified if they did to children what their father do.
And yet who allows them to behave like this?
The women who they then go on to have other relationships with.
I couldn't find a man who abandoned his family attractive on any level.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2013 16:21

What is an intelligent woman doing with a grade A loser like him?

something2say · 07/03/2013 16:56

Learning the hard way to listen to her instincts.

You of course were born listening to yours. And you have no 'judge not lest ye be judged' instinct either it seems.