OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

[Superloopy7]

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

[badinage]

Yet again I'll say that no-one would 'understand' a mother paying less than hitherto because of the CSA's involvement, choosing to live 'a fair bit away' from her children and using travel with work as an excuse for not trying to see her children.

No more than we should either.

But somehow these men get away with it and their new partners make excuses for it, or implicitly support those actions by staying with them and creating new families.

If you wouldn't do the same as a mother and would criticise a woman who did, don't have different standards for fathers.

[izzyizin]

because I've gone into this relationship wanting to trust and there's still a fragment of it that he hasn't destroyed

You must have a might powerful magnifying glass if you can still see a fragment of any trust you placed in him which he hasn't trampled into the dirt.

I suggest you rewind the tape back to your original assertion that I feel this deceit is the final straw because it is, isn't it?

All by himself he's bought about the demise of his relationship with you, just as he's done with the other unfortunate women he's fathered dc by, and just as he will with any further misguided females of childbearing age who are taken in by his dubious charms.

[middleeasternpromise]

OP it does sound as though lying comes naturally to this man and given his mother is so good at covering for him it might be a family trait. Thats a lot of de-programing you are going to have to do to turn him around. I feel very sorry for the situation you are in and dont think there is a quick solution. The whole 'just dump him' approach is all well and good if you have been going out a few months but when youve been with some for years and have 2 kids it takes much more than that to detangle the whole sorry mess and manage the fall out. I feel very sorry that theres now two more little children whose lives have been affected by this irresponsible dishonesty on his part. Aside from all the obvious problems what really comes across is that this man doesnt take any responsibility for his previous actions. Its all about everyone else and theres no evidence of learning so far. I wonder did the last woman know about the twins? was it dishonesty that killed that relationship off too? Its very easy for people to only tell you the end game as justification for their actions - 'the ex cut me off and wouldnt let me see them' but its rarely the whole picture is it. He sounds like he deceives himself first and then everyone else but cant see it as he believes his own crap.

How big is the rest of the family and what do they have to say about standing back and letting this lying go on? I hope you manage to navigate a way through this for you and your children. If you have good friends and family that will be an important support. I dont think you have to rush but I do think you have be clear for yourself what your decision making is.

[Dozer]

So are you going to LTB? What more reason do you need, he is clearly a tosser of the highest order.

[Superloopy7]

Thanks for all the constructive comments and to those who have told me about their similar situations.

I did ask OH to leave yesterday. I told him he'd given me no choice. "I suppose not" was his only reply followed by tears and moping. I' m still going through the mill of emotion but like cabbageleaves said I did feel like a weight had been lifted. Moping was followed by paying more attention to the DDs and I still think he thinks I'll get over my anger.

[YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue]

Has he actually left? So sorry you have to deal with this but I don't see what else you can do, it is such a shocking thing to process.

[Superloopy7]

He hasn't gone. Tiptoeing around while I try and hold myself together and act normal. Says he's sorry it's come to this. I feel so low.

[AnyFucker]

he won't go.

he will stick around snotting and crying and paying faux attention to his current children until you relent.

then some time later, at a time of his6 choice, he will discard you and his current^ family and start another aone with someone else

it's what he does

[AnyFucker]

italics fail there, but I think the gist is clear....just like his behaviour

[badinage]

If you've told him to leave and he hasn't done anything about it or made any moves to do so, you're probably right that he thinks this will all blow over if he looks contrite enough and play-acts father-of-the-year.

One of the issues that I don't think has been raised on what's a long thread is that if you decided to stay with him, I'm assuming that a condition would be that he does right by his four other children. That means that the money available to you as a family will dwindle to cope with the extra money rightfully going to those kids. Whereas if you got out now, your only personal responsibility would be to secure enough money for your own children and it would be for him and his conscience whether he paid for the other four children.

I think you need a good lawyer though to get some advice. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that once he realises you mean business, he'll try to avoid paying as much for your daughters 'because I've got 4 other children', staging a belated but entirely fake show of conscience that a proportion of his future earnings and current assets ought to go to them now.

[AnyFucker]

very good point, badinage

I imagine he will use the previous 4 children he abandoned as currency if things get difficult for him

OP...make him leave. Stop trying to act "normal". Why would you do that ?

[YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue]

Tell him to leave and stop acting normally.

[Superloopy7]

I mean acting like a normal mum to my two DDs. We're also not married and I'm the main wage earner. The mortgage is in my name he doesn't even have one bank account (never mind one for each of his kids).

I've told him twice now to leave.

[Earlybird]

Not that it is your problem - but if he left, where would he go? Could his Mum take him in?

Would it help get things moving if you asked him to move out temporarily so you could get your head straight?

[badinage]

You're not married?

Does he have parental responsibility for your DDs?

Whose names are on the house deeds?

[izzyizin]

You've told him to leave twice so, by my reckoning, that's 2 strikes and now he's out.

If he's too blinded by tears to pack sufficient items for the remainder of the weekend pending collection of the rest, I suggest you load up a bin bag, knot and tie it to a stick, and send him on his way with encouragement from the police, if necessary.

The shock of your boot up his arse decisiveness may result in him experiencing an epiphanybut, if not, you'll be relieved of the onerous burden of having a manchild to dance attendance on care for.

[AnyFucker]

Get him out

What are you waiting for

You don't want him there. He has no claim to be there. If he won't leave, call the police.

You are a normal mum. But if you let this dickhead stay, that comes under question, sorry.

And you are letting him. Unless you are scared he will use violence against you, in which case that is an entirely different matter.

[moondog]

So you pay most of the bills too?
Streuth.....
What did you ever see in this bloke?
Does he work and/or pay his way (at least in this particular family set up)?

[ElectricSheep]

He sounds like a total waste of space tbh. I would not tolerate all of this crap from him as well as enabling his drug addiction. I'm sorry but I think if you let him stay then you are as bad as each other. FFS I feel very sorry for your DDs having a father like this - what an example for them

[Superloopy7]

Ok. Posts have gone from supportive to insulting and a bit agitated. Thanks to all the support over the last week. You are immense. OP signing off.

[AnyFucker]

You are staying with him then

Good luck, you will need it

[izzyizin]

Since when has it been insulting to tell someone what they don't want to hear?

You seem to have conveniently forgotten you were the one who referred to this latest in his long history of lies and deceit as being 'the final straw' and said you'd told him to leave, by which even a casual reader would assume that, having wrung every last ounce of sympathy for your situation over the past week, you had turned your attention to seeking confirmation you were within your rights to tell the duplicitous cocklodger to get his sorry arse out of your home.

FWIW, the only 'agitation' that's apparent here are the pom-poms which were shaken by way of further support for your stated intention, albeit I suspect those who have taken the time to respond to your thread may feel 'a bit' agitated irritated by the manner in which you've chosen to insult their intelligence.

In the interests of conserving my time and energy for more worthy causes, when you post again after he's upped sticks for a similarly deluded ow I would be obliged if you would make it clear that you don't intend to take on board any advice and are merely looking for affirmation that whatever you've already made up your mind to do is the appropriate course of action.

[badinage]

I expect it's a bit more nuanced than this.

I think when someone gets a life shock that forces them to confront what they've been avoiding, about themselves as much as the other person, it kick-starts a process rather than a big bang.

Hopefully this thread has started that process. Certainly, it's outlined quite starkly for the OP what her future choices will say about her and her character. But it may also have forced her to confront things about her past decisions that she's preferred to see as being motivated by positives such as wanting to believe the best of people, and not selfishness.

It's very hard to confront things about ourselves that we don't like and when that's combined with having to face the upheaval of the end of a relationship and life as you know it, it's not surprising if old self-defence mechanisms kick in to cope with the enormity of the situation.

I hope you feel you can come back OP when you're a bit further along this process.

[izzyizin]

There's no question that you're right about the 'nuances', badinage, and the OP is most probably conflicted by considerations which she's not made reference to here.

Nevertheless, the manner in which she has abandoned her thread would suggest that unless she deals with her oh's lamentable lack of integrity in a straightforward manner, she'll be in danger of of losing hers.