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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 44

999 replies

lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 09:46

Here we go - all dating chat here!

OP posts:
AndLibbyMakesThree · 08/03/2013 10:42

Does anyone have any tips on how to be less sensitive? If anything goes even slightly wrong with Mr C, I tend to get really upset - which then ends up causing more problems! This happened again yesterday. I'm getting fed up with it, and I'm sure he is too.

VoiceofUnreason · 08/03/2013 10:45

Libby - are you like this with other people or just with Mr C? If the latter, I'd wonder whether he is the cause?

AndLibbyMakesThree · 08/03/2013 10:49

Good question Voice. It's mainly Mr C, but to be honest I think it would happen with anyone I was having a relationship with. I've thought about it quite a lot, and I think the problem lies mostly with me, not him.

Thanks for responding, by the way.

Original poster
lubeybooby · 08/03/2013 10:51

Libby when you say things going slightly wrong... like what for example? Can't really advise unless I could say for sure you really were being too sensitive...

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 08/03/2013 10:54

Libby hope you didn't mind the question! I guess it also depends what precise sorts of things "set you off" and the level of the upset.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 08/03/2013 10:55

Lubey, really hard to say as it can be so many different things. Yesterday was him taking a long time to respond to a text (this wouldn't usually be a big problem, but it was a particularly significant text - don't really want to say more). There are loads of other examples but my mind seems to have gone blank! But I really do think I'm far too sensitive.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 08/03/2013 10:56

Voice, not at all, I genuinely meant it was a good question.

Scrazy · 08/03/2013 11:00

Grin Ike, I like both versions.

Lubey, I totally agree with you on this one. When I look back at any successful relationships I've had and there were a few, I wouldn't have been looking on dating site (if they existed) even when things were going wrong. I would have been devastated that I might lose a great thing instead.

I see working at a relationship as being compromise on the small things, like what you eat that night, not expecting your own way and throwing strops etc, rather than putting up with crap.

The thing with this long running thread is that posters are looking for different things, so we might read about and encourage one poster who is looking for a short term fling with an unsuitable in one post then try and help another poster understand that although a man might be making the right sounds and sometimes doing lovely things for us, they are not showing the rights signs for a relationship with legs when that poster wants that so it gets a bit confusing.

Flipper924 · 08/03/2013 11:10

Well, good morning!

OWW, I'm really pleased for you that you're doing what you feel you have to with LM, and I do hope it works out.

(Can't you just see the giant 'however' hanging in the air here)

However, I do agree with Lubey and Voice. You are putting up with a lot from him that other people, on this thread and your other one, don't think you should have to. If I remember rightly, you are out of a particularly nasty relationship, and I can't help but wonder if you have quite a high tolerance for crap. I'm worried that your persistence is fuelled by a belief that becauses LM is lovelier than your ex, he's worth waiting for.

I'm also worried that both of you went on Match to cheer yourselves up. I have chocolate, or go for a walk, or watch a bit of rubbish telly, or call a friend if I need cheering up. Lubey has her French pussy video. Ike has maltloaf. Needing validation from the opposite sex when you're feeling down makes you vulnerable.

I really hope that you don't think I'm lecturing or telling you to dump LM, I just want you to be able to look after yourself, so you don't get hurt. Please feel free to tell me to butt out or that I'm wrong!

Velvet, your colleague is insecure. 7 pictures, on her desk at work? What's her front room like at home?!

I was offered a job in Glasgow, many years ago. The city is full of the most gorgeous men. I was offered a promotion to stay, so I did. I think that was one of my worst decisions ever.

lulubellaboozle · 08/03/2013 11:11

Libby I think I know what you are describing, I was exactly the same when I started seeing Mr EA, and although it is a hundred times better now, it is still there.

It was never about him and what he did but my own insecurities and self doubt and having come from an abusive marriage not really knowing what 'normal' looked like, I was also cheated on and that meant I doubted everything and questioned everything. We had quite a few hiccups, many of which I posted on here.

Time has helped as I have learnt that he is a good genuine and lovely man. I also had to tell him why I was reacting as I did, however silly it sounded and I had to tell him what I needed him to do, which was lots of reassurance, which was often done in a jokey way but it all helped!

At one stage I used to get texts, first thing in the morning saying 'Hi lulu here is your reassuring text to tell you nothing has changed and all is good with us Smile after a while he just got what I needed and when he got it, I needed it less, if that makes sense?

Sorry to ramble, but my advice is tell him what's going on, as Mr EA says 'I'm not a mind reader and it really is so much easier if you just tell me!!' Hmm

Original poster
lubeybooby · 08/03/2013 11:18

Hmm, libby. I don't think it's all you. What's your relationship with him like generally? what sort of stage are you at with him? Sorry, questions questions but I've got a bit lost with where some people are with who they are seeing.

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 08/03/2013 11:18

Flipper - not just any maltloaf for Ike. It MUST be Soreen Smile

lulubellaboozle · 08/03/2013 11:22

OWW one of two things is going to happen ...

One, you and LM move forward slowly and positively and you get what you want in terms of a relationship. There is good stuff there to build on and that's what you want to do.

Two, you feel it's not working out the way you want despite your last chat. I think if this happens you will know then whether it can still move forward or not.

Only YOU will ever know that and I think you have been brilliant in the last few weeks in saying what you feel and what you want and I think you now need to trust your judgement and see how the next few weeks unfold.

But you are a lovely person and he is lucky to have you! Hugs x

Original poster
lubeybooby · 08/03/2013 11:23

Great post Flipper :)

Have to agree with you on the general gorgeousness of Glaswegian men.

For anyone who isn't opposed to the idea of a LDR, get yourself on PoF with your location as Glasgow and say you are visiting the city for the night. Prepare to get far fewer potatoes, blank profiles, etc etc and enjoy. haha. Although I was in IE, most of the men who have contacted me were in the 'dating' category

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 08/03/2013 11:25

Lulu "you are a lovely person and he is lucky to have you!"

Yes! exactly this.

And OWW is beautiful too! He's luckier than a lucky four leaf clover on lucky day at the lucky olympics, that just won the gold in 'most lucky' and then found a stash of £50 notes.

OP posts:
lulubellaboozle · 08/03/2013 11:27

Wow lubey that's lucky!! Grin

VoiceofUnreason · 08/03/2013 11:29

I heard OWW was "gorgeous"

KinNora · 08/03/2013 11:41

Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrf, Voice, get 'em off.

VoiceofUnreason · 08/03/2013 11:52

Ah, Kin, there you are. I've been waiting for you....!

AndLibbyMakesThree · 08/03/2013 11:53

Sorry, had to go out - on phone now.
Lubey, been together 3 months. Things generally going really well - lots of great times out, he's kind and caring, lots of chemistry, etc.
lulu, I really identify with what you wrote. That morning text you used to get from Mr EA has brought tears to my eyes - sounds perfect and just the kind of reassurance I'd like (though I feel pathetic needing that).

Original poster
lubeybooby · 08/03/2013 11:57

Ok libby... shouldn't he be kind and caring enough to give you a bit of understanding and make you feel secure and reassured?

Like I say I really don't think it's you

Or if you are really convinced you are then when it comes to waiting for texts just get on here and tear your hair out like we do :o

Also keeping busy and make sure you are not dropping friends or other parts of you life to see him, as then you will be much more reliant on him than you would otherwise.

OP posts:
AndLibbyMakesThree · 08/03/2013 12:00

Lulu - you've also made me feel less of a freak by knowing that kind of reassurance helped you too. And it's so encouraging that things have got easier as the relationship's progressed. Really happy for you, and thanks so much for your post.

I'm another one seonding/thirding/whatever that OWW is lovely.

ike1 · 08/03/2013 12:02

I get the feeling that Voice n' Kin will be making 'the beast with two backs'...

JulietteMontague · 08/03/2013 12:09

I think any time I've clearly been with a person who is good for me they do nothing but enrich my life and it's just easy. This.

Which, if you've been used to either abusive or low level combative or even just ok relationships is something that you just don't know until you have it iyswim. When you do get it, it's a revelation.

I think it's similar with sex. This isn't specifically about you OWW although what you just posted reminded me of this. One of the most often said things on here is that the current man is the best in bed a poster has ever known. Now although said man might be good, statistically that just can't be the case that they are all that good so something else must be going on.

Again, if you're comparing current sex with previous meh sex then of course it is the best. And good sex that gets better as your partner bothers to get to know you is a very powerful attraction especially for women who haven't known it before as it can be like an entirely new discovery of themselves and their sexuality. But good sex, sex that satisfies you physically and emotionally and enhances your life, is the standard in a good relationship.

So what I think I'm saying is that we should all be aware that ok overall is not enough, we shouldn't be grateful for things which should be a minimum and we shouldn't mistake better for the best. Most of all when we keep having a sense of unease we should still take a good look at whether a relationship really is right for us.

lulubellaboozle · 08/03/2013 12:23

Libby what i'm trying to say is, Mr EA is perfect and neither am I, he didn't know what I needed until I told him. I actually said "however much reassurance you think I need, multiply it by 100 and you'll be closer. If you've told me one day, then don't think you don't need to tell me tomorrow because you do." BUT, I also said "I know how this sounds, and this is why I am like I am (long explanation), I don't intend to be like this forever, I want a normal, trusting and honest relationship and if you don't think you can give me what I need or you aren't up for it, then we probably aren't going to be get much further than where we are now".

He went away and thought about it and that's when it all started to get better because he decided he was up for it and liked what we had enough to invest in it.

So, you need to say what you want and need, even if you may not like the answer ...... it's a tough one Smile