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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what to do...

61 replies

muminoxford · 28/02/2013 11:24

our "family" =
partner of 9 years, workaholic, well paid;
me, home maker, no job, debt up to my eyeballs;
son, wonderful, amazing, even loves primary school.

Since the birth of our DS 6 years ago, I've been the principal carer, while DP pursued his career. Our finances have never been merged. So while DP's career has progressed and he has attained increasingly better paid roles, I have been living off my dwindling savings. Expenses for DS are shared. All other expenses have been met jointly from our separate bank accounts.

Two years ago my savings ran out. Although well educated and experienced, I have been unable to find paid work despite very significant efforts. I'm now in considerable financial difficulties. My DP's response to these circumstances has been to provide me with no assistance or support. Now I don't even have money for food for myself, although food for family meals is bought by DP when he gets round to it.

He's a workaholic. Treats the house as a hotel. When I raised the issue of money, he said that it was my mess and my responsibility to find a solution. He offered to pay me £20 per week to reflect my contribution to family life: raising our DS, doing all the cooking and cleaning.

He's mean, moody, and constantly angry.

The thought of me leaving my son is impossible. But as I have no financial means to support him, the prospect of taking my son from his father is a pipe dream.

Entirely unsure what to do apart from put up with the role of slave while pretending to a six yr old that their father is a nice person.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2013 11:26

He is an abusive shit.

If you leave, he remains financially responsible for your child.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2013 11:29

Please read the links at the start of this thread

He offered to pay me £20 per week to reflect my contribution to family life
I really have no words. Other than repeating that he is an abusive shit.

pinkyredrose · 28/02/2013 11:30

Contact Womens Aid. You are being abused. If you left he would be duty bound to financially support his son.

AgathaF · 28/02/2013 11:32

He is financial and emotionally abusing you, and by turn his son.

Please get in touch with Women's Aid. They can support you and your son in leaving him, get the benefits you are entitled to and housing. You really must not stay with him - he is treating you like a slave. It is no way to live your life and no way for your son to see his mum being treated.

Bossybritches22 · 28/02/2013 11:33

You can get financial help & he would have to pay maintenance for your DS & you can go for spousal maintenance too, possibly as you gave up your job to be a home carer. What did you do before, is it something you can pick up again PT to get some income? or other skills?

You need to get away from this abusive git, he is not a good role model for your DS.

Could you ring Womens Aid for advice?

You deserve better, be strong.

CookieLady · 28/02/2013 11:38

You deserve to be treated much better than this. He is abusing you. Leave him. He doesn't deserve you.

craftynclothy · 28/02/2013 11:52

WTAF??? How the hell does he think he'd be able to work if you fucked off and left DS with him? Would he sort out and pay for childcare? It'd be a hell of a lot more than £20 a week he'd have to pay.

As others have said LEAVE. You'd get more than £20 a week and a lot less shit to put up with.

Kione · 28/02/2013 12:55

that is so wrong, as said above, leave

OxfordBags · 28/02/2013 13:06

Abusive cunt! If he had to pay people - yes, it would take a team - to do all the jobs you do for your child and home, he would be shelling out over £100 a day, easily.

You cannot put up sith this. Do not kid yourself that your DS doesn't perceive anything going on. He will know that there is a use in your home, even though he couldn't name it. By staying, you and your Oh are both training him to become a future abuser himself. Don't kid yourself your son can't already see you are basically a slave, or, that if doesn't now, soon will. Children in abusive homes can often appear to be virtually perfect, as they don't want to attract any adverse attention themselves, or make thing harder for the abused parent, please be aware of that.

If you leave him - and you should - it will be very easy to prove and show how badly you have been financially abused. I can't see any judge thinking the way he's forced you to separate your finances this way and not help you out, as acceptable or normal in any way, shape or form.

As you are married, you can actually make him leave. And he will have to legally pay you a hell of a lot more than £20 a bloody week once you're gone.

This relationship is over. He won't change and will only get worse. What's next a you can only have your paltry twenty wuid if you sleep with him? I bet he's abusive in most ways, if you think about it.

Leave him, no matter what. Your situation is truly shocking.

Reality · 28/02/2013 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2013 13:16

I don't really know what to say - this has left me speachless.
As others have said - GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT - NOW!!!!!!
Do NOT put up with this abuse!
Good luck and let us know how you get on.

oldwomaninashoe · 28/02/2013 13:43

Good grief, this is unbelievable.

There should be nothing stopping you leaving him, do get in touch with womens aid, make a clear decision you will get support.

Corygal · 28/02/2013 13:44

BLOODY HELL. Call Womens Aid.

His behaviour is repellent - you will be so much better off in every way when he is out of your life.

Cherriesarelovely · 28/02/2013 13:48

Wow, that is truly awful. Everyone has given you the best advice already. He is not a "partner" in any sense of the word. He is an abusive, selfish git. Why is it a pipe dream to consider leaving with your son? You can get financial help and your DP will have to assist PROPERLY. I feel so much for you, this is dreadful.

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2013 13:51

you are worth a lot lot more than this - don't let anyone tell you any different and particularly yourself

MustafaCake · 28/02/2013 13:51

Ugh, your partner sounds vile.

And you sound so lovely.

Agree that you are being financially abused and will be so much better off (financially and emotionally) without him. You need to get advice on how to seperate.

Who owns the house?

pinkyredrose · 28/02/2013 19:02

How are you OP? Worried about you as you haven't been back since your OP.

Sugarice · 28/02/2013 19:14

He's a twat, get advice and leave him taking your ds with you

The debt can be tackled and dealt with help from CAB and other services .

Yoy can have a better, happier like without this Dick dragging you down.

verytellytubby · 28/02/2013 21:32

Seek help. He's an abusive cunt.

You sound lovely.

Selba · 28/02/2013 23:30

who owns the house?

ClippedPhoenix · 01/03/2013 00:24

Blimey OP.

Enough is enough.

Us single unmarrieds can really manage and very well without and abusive arse. I did it and am doing it, I also have a good standard of living.

It's not as difficult as you think.

Make the move to get rid of this horrid person.

ClippedPhoenix · 01/03/2013 00:27

Oh and I also had/have debt. That can be more than dealt with, in fact once I went to the CAB I found a legit company that took it all off my shoulders and I paid a fraction of any cost. Interest was stopped and payments are very very minimal.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2013 00:34

CSA would award you 15% of his income as maintenance for your DS. Bearing that in mind, could you now afford to leave?

Viviennemary · 01/03/2013 00:42

This situation must be totally soul destroying for you and it really cannot continue. You must leave.

Walkacrossthesand · 01/03/2013 01:30

How on earth can 'all other expenses be met jointly from your separate bank accounts' when you don't have any income?! Its not 'your mess' at all - you're married and supposed to be a family! If he regards you as a chargeable expense, then charge him - the going rate for n hours childcare per day, n hours cleaning/domestic duties, etc. It's nonsense!

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