what to do...

[muminoxford]

our "family" =
partner of 9 years, workaholic, well paid;
me, home maker, no job, debt up to my eyeballs;
son, wonderful, amazing, even loves primary school.

Since the birth of our DS 6 years ago, I've been the principal carer, while DP pursued his career. Our finances have never been merged. So while DP's career has progressed and he has attained increasingly better paid roles, I have been living off my dwindling savings. Expenses for DS are shared. All other expenses have been met jointly from our separate bank accounts.

Two years ago my savings ran out. Although well educated and experienced, I have been unable to find paid work despite very significant efforts. I'm now in considerable financial difficulties. My DP's response to these circumstances has been to provide me with no assistance or support. Now I don't even have money for food for myself, although food for family meals is bought by DP when he gets round to it.

He's a workaholic. Treats the house as a hotel. When I raised the issue of money, he said that it was my mess and my responsibility to find a solution. He offered to pay me £20 per week to reflect my contribution to family life: raising our DS, doing all the cooking and cleaning.

He's mean, moody, and constantly angry.

The thought of me leaving my son is impossible. But as I have no financial means to support him, the prospect of taking my son from his father is a pipe dream.

Entirely unsure what to do apart from put up with the role of slave while pretending to a six yr old that their father is a nice person.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/what-s-a-housewife-worth-.html

Send him a bill and then see how he wants to pay "50/50"

Where to begin..
Am really sorry for not being back in touch with all those who so kindly offered such supportive advice. I can't thank you enough. Your words of support were overwhelming.

Situation update...
DH has changed jobs. Same money, but more travel (10 days in Brazil, 10 days in China blah blah) and much longer commuting. So he has even less time to do domestic family-oriented activities. His weekends tend to consist of sleep, grumpiness and moaning about my influence on our son.

Somehow we've bumped along without major drama since February. He's stopped paying my £20 per week in March. So for 5 months I have received no money from him at all. He pays for the mortgage on his house (it is in his sole name), the utility bills, and the food. He buys a little alcohol for himself but not for me.

At the beginning of the summer he hit upon the idea of renovating the house. It is fairly "tired" and would be a wonderful renovation project. Once done up and sold, it could even make a significant profit - maybe even £75,000 - £80,000. The local housing market appears to be immune from the national recession, and demand for smart properties is always high. DH told me that I should do all the renovation work and project manage the tradespeople I get in for the jobs I physically can't do. I receive no financial benefit for this extra work and will not share in the profit once the house is sold.

Over the last weekend he complained that the renovation work is going far too slowly. I told him that I thought he was being unreasonable given the fact that I alone have been looking after our DS for the entirety of the school's summer holidays, and that I receive no pay/profit share from the renovation work. He was incredulous that I should get any money from his house, and suggested I move out, leaving our DS to be looked after by him. He refused to face facts about managing the childcare requirement when he is abroad for 2 weeks on business.

I would like to provide stability for my son by not splitting the family apart, but I am baffled by my DH's demands that I do more work for him with no recompense. I am at a loss what to do. Am I being unreasonable? Surely it is unfair to expect any one partner in a relationship to do all the domestic work, all the childcare, and all the house renovation, yet receive no money from the other partner? Please tell me if I am wrong, selfish or plain deluded.

many thanks Mumsnet..

Your DH is a selfish selfish man. You and your son deserve better. Seek legal advice, seek a settlement reflecting your contribution to your family life, agree a maintenance payment for your son. LEAVE NOW

I don't normally post on Relationship threads as I don't have much experience. But reading this has left me totally gobsmacked and incensed on your behalf.
He is basically treating you like a slave. If something was to happen to you (heaven forbid) does he think he would get a childminder, housekeeper, project manager etc for free! Because that is what he is expecting of you.
You do not need to live like this. As advised before, get in touch with Womens Aid and they will help you. Your life will be so much better without him as will your son's.

You have to go. This is awful - you are basically being treated as a slave!

Fuck Fuck Fuck. Get out, with your son. Call Women's Aid now and tell them. What is your legal posotion? Is he your partner or are you married?

why didn't you address this back in march? all that's happened is that its got worse.

sorry,but you need to help yourself here.....you must know this isn't normal?

Words fail me on this.

You truly need to get out asap! This man is abusive and vile!

In the event of a split I think the house would be looked at as a marital asset regardless of who's names are actually on the deeds and the court would look at your contribution to the family as significant in regards to the time you have spent at home and doing all the domestic jobs. This abusive twat would find himself having a much harder time than he thinks in the event of a split. It is also unlikely that a court would award him custody (for want of a better term) of your child as he has not been the one to do all the running about after said child.

I second the advice to call womens aid and get some advice and help regarding leaving this utter shit of a human being.

Renovating, for free, a house that you don't own, and for which you will get no share of the house value enhancement? Errr - no! And I don't think he's your H is he, so in the eyes of the law he has no responsibility towards you - just his son. Time to down tools on the renovation, tell him to stick it all where the sun don't shine, and leave - with DS as you are primary carer. Sort out details later - do you have family you can go and stay with?

So if you leave him, take your ds and get tax credits and benefits, plus maintenance from him, you could rent a small house, get a part time or full time job and be much better off.

You don't own the house you live in now and have no rights over it so you'd be no worse off if renting. Once you get back into working you can look at getting on the property ladder yourself. At the moment he probably thinks you are earning your keep by working on his renovations... words fail me.

I am confused though about what you have done for clothes etc the past 6 years. And does he label things like booze as 'his' and you just sit and watch him drink it with none for you?

When you got together what was his attitude to money? When you had ds was there any discussion about you not working for the foreseeable future?

oh and if your son is 6 don't stay there a minute longer, you don't want him growing up thinking this is a normal relationship or that this is how women should be treated!

Get out now. Please I cannot imagine how much he's destroyed your confidence to think this is a way to live and a 'family unit' cantact Womens aid. Local council. Make arrangements to get out next time he is away for 2 weeks. Do you have any family that can help?

He is an abusive twat! Please please please leave him

and finally

perhaps you need to lower your expectations of employment. Get to every agency you can think of, take anything you are offered. If you are on your own there will be tax credits to help with before and after school clubs. You need to get out and you need to become financially independent from him.

How on earth are you paying off the debts if you don't have any income, I assume you get child benefit though? If not then that's another reason to leave him cos that should be paid to the main carer.

Oh my god.

I have no words.

Apart from one that ends in unt and begins with C.

I hope you can get away from this life sucking, poor excuse of a man.

Your poor son. He is seeing his mother being treated no better than a indentured serf.

How can splitting from this abusive idiot be anything but a boon to you and your son? If he's not around for weeks at a time, your son will see little difference in reality. Go get some legal advice about your options, please!

This is so sad. This just sounds like a shadow of a relationship.

This is NOT what decent men do or how they behave in relationships. You are not doing your son a favour by staying in this relationship. You are showing him that it is fine to treat the woman you supposedly love like a second class citizen. He sounds utterly, utterly vile.

I am so sorry for you and your child. I would also advise you to contact Womens Aid and leave.

Next time he goes abroad, assuming it's very soon, just leave. I know that sounds ridiculous, impossible etc, etc but you can do it. This is a terrible environment for your son - and he will notice I promise. So if you won't do it for yourself, do it for him.

You could go sooner, but this would give you some more time to pack, get copies of documents etc, and it sounds like you are not a physical risk. But you are being abused and you must get out.

Women's Aid will help you find somewhere. You can get benefits and he will have to pay maintenance. Get yourself a small job to start with - office junior, part time in a shop / coffee shop, whatever. Be a real role model for your son and stop wasting your life.

I know it must be really hard but I seriously cannot believe you are still there.
Call Women's Aid right now!
Pack a bag and get out with your son.
Every single one of us told you back in February to leave this evil, wicked, cruel, vile man and now it's worse!
Please please believe the women on here who have been there (not me by the way).
Go - right now!!!!!
Do you have family or friends who could you help out initially?
This is absolutely NOT right and is totally and utterly NOT your fault!
HE is doing this and you CANNOT put up with it any longer.
LISTEN to everyone single person here.
Read your OP and your update, read the responsed and start to realise that you are being ABUSED in sooooo many ways it's scary to read.
GET OUT - NOW!!!!!

OP how does he justify this £20 figure? Has he stopped to consider what he would pay on childcare if you weren't around, let alone all the other costs of having washing/cooking/etc done?!

Could you move in with family/friends for a while and see if it gives him a wake uop call? Do you want to be with him, or is it just the money issue preventing you from leaving?

You do realise this is financial abuse and reportable to the police? As others have said, have a look at the womens aid website, there is info on there for people in your situation.

I don't think you are ready to really hear what everyone is saying. He is abusive. You need to leave. If not for you for your DS.

Just leave - NOW!

What a terrible terrible man.

Are you actually married? If so, everything he owns is yours too. And a judge will sort all that out for you. I have been there and done it recently.

If you are not married, then sod it. Just leave.

In either case, call women's aid, and at the beginning of his next trip to wherever he goes, pack up the important things (passports, birth certificates, any payslips and bank details you can get your hands on) and get yourself to a refuge, then work from there. It is NOT as scary as it sounds, and this time next year you will be in a much much better place.

This man is a shit, and he will not change. Your son deserves so much more than seeing his mother treated like a subhuman.