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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

They aren't worth it...

180 replies

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 17:31

Why do some women end up in a relationship with guys - have kids with some even - who are not worth it?

I've met women who despite all the warning signals were completely blinded by... lust (can't be love, surely?). These were men who already showed signs of being abusive while dating.

Why don't people just turn their backs on them, and move away?

Not being controversial. Just wondering what goes on in people's head. My head is automatically guided by logic, and I don't know why, but I spot such guys from miles away, and just never tend to like them...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 00:36

Any

I do apologize for having offended people. That wasn't what I wanted.

Never heard of the boiling frog - but it does make sense from what I've read above.

OP posts:
badinage · 18/02/2013 00:39

I'm with Snowshapes here. The question isn't why do some women get sucked in and stay, but why do some men do it?

Survivors of abuse don't fall into neat little boxes either; I've known women who've come from stable and secure childhoods who've ended up in this position too.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 00:39

no, no

an apology for your ignorance would be much, much better

I could tell you to fuck off, and then apologise for offending you. Wouldn't mean much, though

a little humility goes a long, long way

which is why your Op was so very badly received

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2013 00:41

Tasmania, I don't understand. You say you are leaving the thread. I ask my questions with no expectation that you will return.

Yet you do. Why?

Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 00:49

Any

It's not ignorance. It's more that I've been cocooned from this problem. If it had been ignorance, I wouldn't ask about it.

If you told me to fck off, and apologize afterwards, it would be fine with me. But I understand that we are all different. While I may have reacted more like SGB* others are obviously more sensitive to the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 00:50

DioneTheDiabolist Because I don't let myself be chased away or bullied by you?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 00:52

It is ignorance when you spout "solutions" for something you have no experience of

and take your tongue from up SGB's arse, it's getting a bit embarassing for you

Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 00:52

DioneTheDiabolist And I am free to always change my mind. I can say I'm leaving, and not do so. It's my decision, not yours. Get it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 00:54

Well, Any - considering that SGB was one of the few people who did not resort to your sort of words, I rather like her... so maybe let it be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 00:54

And when did I ever offer "solutions"??

OP posts:
Lueji · 18/02/2013 00:55

Why don't people just turn their backs on them, and move away?

AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 00:56

Why don't people just turn their backs on them, and move away?

is your memory failing you ?

Original poster
Tasmania · 18/02/2013 01:09

Any

Have you seen the question mark? It's obviously a question? Have you seen teh word "Why"?

Had I said: "You guys should just turn their backs on them, and move away", now that would have been a solution.

But I guess I guess even the use of words like "why" and question marks are no longer what they are meant to be?

Loads of people ask "Why don't people do this or that?" It doesn't often mean that they are offering a solution. It's just that they might deal with it in one way, and want to know why others deal with it in another way - which to them may not sound logical.

As said, I'm quite direct and straightforward. A question is a question. I don't offer solutions via a question.

OP posts:
YNK · 18/02/2013 01:16

10 years ago no one involved in the hellish aftermath of my ex's departure could get their heads around the terrible accusations he made about me. He tried to lose me my children, my family, my home and my job (to no avail, thankfully).

He made accusations about me being addicted to drugs, being a prostitute, having MH issues everywhere he could. People only realised what he was like if they came into his sight's that this behaviour would turn on them if they disagreed.

He was phoning my doctor, dentist, police, work, hell even my mother. The court welfare officer came under a 6 month investigation initiated by him for 'equal rights' of all things. The welfare officer is now the head of the County Cafcass and remembers it as a learning experience for him.

Incidentally, I knew he was abusive but I was extremely fearful of him. In the end I called him out on an ultimatum (one of many) and i agreed he should leave as I simply could not be made out to be responsible for his obvious unhappiness. I wished him well at that time but it was still over a year of berating me when he actually left. The problem got much much worse 2 years later when I tried to separate my finances from his.

According to you OP I am to blame for all this?????? I should have known better???? FFS have a word with yourself!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 18/02/2013 01:45

OP, being cocooned from something usually means not having any experience of it. In other words being ignorant about it.
I have some relatives who are in this position about quite a lot of things.
I tell them to shut up and listen to people who know.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2013 01:46

Tasmania I get it. But then I survived a LTR that after 8years became properly abusive.

Do you get it?

Even in a small way?

Lueji · 18/02/2013 02:13

Strictly, the way you worded the question says that they should just turn their backs on their partners and move away.

This kind of question gives a solution. What you perceive as a solution.

Many questions are more than just questions. And that's why the police have to be very careful in questioning, not to lead witnesses and so on.

Lueji · 18/02/2013 02:18

Loads of people ask "Why don't people do this or that?" It doesn't often mean that they are offering a solution. It's just that they might deal with it in one way, and want to know why others deal with it in another way - which to them may not sound logical.

Actually, when people ask those questions, they usually don't mean to know why the other doesn't do such and such. They are actually offering such and such as solutions.
Nobody really expects an answer as to why the other won't do such and such.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 18/02/2013 02:28

Actually I've re-read your last post OP and realised that some of those relatives have that same attitude as you.
I think they are kidding themselves.
I also think they are twats.

TisILeclerc · 18/02/2013 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HandbagCrab · 18/02/2013 08:58

Like with many things in life op, it is luck that you have not been in an abusive relationship, not your marvellous amazing skills in picking a partner. Most people do not experience abuse in relationships, therefore, to not experience abuse in a relationship is the normal experience for the average person. Logic would tell us as much.

I agree you are asking the wrong people. Instead of asking why women put up with abusive relationships, instead why not ask why in 2013 people are getting away with abusing their partners and children? Your whole premise is based on the presumption there are evil abusive men that women such as yourself spot a mile off and avoid, leaving less aware women to be their prey. Should we not try and develop a society where no men (or women) are abusive and if they are they are it's with a big neon sign pointing it out rather than letting others rely on their spidey senses to protect them?

plinkyplonks · 18/02/2013 09:27

Tasmania - I honestly don't think you have anything to apologise for. You are not obligated to read every post in the forum and understand every single woman's choice before posting on here. Nor should you be berated for not understanding the complex and baffling choices that other women make when choosing a partner - I know why I choose my partners in life, but I can't possibly expect you to know I choose them if I don't tell you.

Some of the poor choices of bad relationships I've seen or been part of come down to low self esteem, previous history of domestic abuse (sometimes mimicing their parents relationship), bad judgement, being easily manipulated, limited life experience, craving the highs and lows of emotionally charged relationships, first love's - not knowing they deserve better. There are lot's of things - but mostly in my experience, it's not realising I can be part of a happy, loving, drama free relationship.

snowshapes · 18/02/2013 10:32

Nor should you be berated for not understanding the complex and baffling choices that other women make when choosing a partner - I know why I choose my partners in life, but I can't possibly expect you to know I choose them if I don't tell you.

FairyFi · 18/02/2013 10:32

but there absolutely is responsibility for 'wading in with the size 9's' into a world of immense pain & torture where women are in living hells, terrified for their lives and their sanity and end up sometimes losing the ability to communicate or leave their houses and suffer huge mental/emotional/physical torture. This is not the subject of light banter, or a right to hear the reality of how this happens, only to dismiss these women as somehow complicit (because they are not logical or intelligent enough somehow to 'get it', or they must have had bad parenting - as countered by the OPs insistence that her parenting protected her) I think we've heard all the counter-evidence to that here too. She will have the answer she wants. Still demonstrating no sensitivity (there's that wonderful logic again) for the issues that these women have bravely shared on here and biasing the women actions always. Someone earlier said quite clearly 'Why do men do that', not 'why are the victims allowing it'

I think enough has been said on here for the OP to realise she, and others, that have not gotten into these relationships, should be counting themselves lucky rather than trying to 'understand' why they didn't, and why other women 'don't simply walk away'. Was I asking to be raped - why didn't I just walk away! Maybe I should have shouted 'no' louder, or not have spoken this person at a party, or accepted drinks. do we blame the perpetrator or the victim???? As maybe the victim brings it all on themselves? hmmmmm.........

Her logic defies even herself, its not so good if she can't see what everyone else is seeing in these posts.

It is because it is so terribly, awfully misunderstood that people feel they can take a stance like this.

If we were to replace the word 'abuse' with rape in the OP, would that be very obviously different somehow?!

FairyFi · 18/02/2013 10:34

the above was prompted by your posting Plinkyplonks