They aren't worth it...

[Tasmania]

Why do some women end up in a relationship with guys - have kids with some even - who are not worth it?

I've met women who despite all the warning signals were completely blinded by... lust (can't be love, surely?). These were men who already showed signs of being abusive while dating.

Why don't people just turn their backs on them, and move away?

Not being controversial. Just wondering what goes on in people's head. My head is automatically guided by logic, and I don't know why, but I spot such guys from miles away, and just never tend to like them...

My mother was like that, I didn't hook up with anyone until late and yet it turned out to be the wrong person.

My brother almost married the wrong woman too.

Also wishing your dp good luck, btw. :)

On the other hand, my dad has been what I'd call a good husband and dad. For over 40 years. Yet, he lied about something fairly important to my mother before they got married. No doubt you'd have dumped him.
It's not all black and white, you know.

Totally agree with SGB. I thought I was a failure and worthless because I didn't have a boyfriend when I was younger. Ended up in a three year relationship with a total wankstain who subtley and not so subtley eroded what little self-esteem and confidence I had. It was only when I started my first job and spoke to colleagues about him I woke up to how badly I was being treated and they helped me leave him (it was a small, family run form and we all looked out for each other).
I still look back at that time and wonder WTF I was thinking. But I was young and stupid.

Okay, so really all that's going on here is that you think in a particular sort of way and can't get your head around people who think differently - why don't they think like you? Because you so clearly think you are clever and right. So being friendly in an email is a stupid waste of time, letting some man abuse you is also stupid.

I think its a shame you decided to post this on a forum where people come for support though. Couldn't you amuse yourself another way?

Sorry just to clarify, my first proper job when I left Uni, so I was 21.

FairFi - define "foul up"?

ArtVandalay - if people are meant to do their jobs, and are getting paid quite well for it, you shouldn't HAVE to beg them to do it... [hmmm]

ArtVandalay - and I was thinking of putting this into "Chat", but "Relationships" was the obvious place to put it in... because it is about relationships?

Saying please isn't begging though really, is it?

ScentedNappyHag I say please already - apparently, that's not enough. Hence, the need for a paragraph.

walk in anothers shoes before judging. tbh I think our culture, or expectations around whats rude (or begging?!?!) are pretty simple to follow to avoid upsetting other's cultural norms within a fairly short space of time.

Working out how men manipulate women into abusive relationships however, would be more tricky and not something thats going to be answered here from some personal assertions from the other side of the fence.

TisILeclerc Am I not just challenging an assertion, too?

FairyFi Tbh - I find it rude when people don't do their jobs that they are being paid for (a lot more than the average UK salary, may I say), and on time. But to each their own. No wonder, we have cowboy builders around...

Following on from SGB earlier post which explained things very well, I would add that women will always have a pressure of a 'ticking clock' re fertility hanging over their decisions. Do women have the time to always think there is someone better or more suitable for them to come along? Can we afford to not give men a second chance if we've already committed months or years to them? If we have the desire to have a family, then I think that will always be at the back of many women's minds.

Solid point, Teeb! It's a little annoying that men don't have that problem. Unfair that nature didn't really make us equal...

What have cowboy builders got to do with being polite? (leaves thread as its getting surreal) :)

Oh dear

I am reminded of that ole truism "pride comes before a fall..."

I don't think you're getting very far at actually learning anything, which doesn't suprise me. Agreeing with fool wasting time now.

ArtVandelay Polite is saying please, and expecting the person responsible to do the job they are actually paid to do. It is rude, however, for that person to be paid, not do their job and then expect to be asked nicely to do their job. How do you feel about cowboy builders coming to your home, you paying them a lot of money, but then, you still having to "ask nicely" for them to do their job - and finish on time. How polite would you be to that cowboy builder?

If people volunteered for something, yes - they can expect so much more than a please and a thanks from me. Gosh - I'd get them presents.

FairyFi - what's wrong? I agreed with Teeb? What she said made sense?!?

I simply do not employ cowboy builders, my head is automatically guided by logic and I can spot them from miles away.

(really have to leave :) )

Neither do I. But can't change my company single-handedly though, can I?(which isn't a building company)

Good night . Leaving this now, too.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men" OP. It is written by a man by the way who has worked with thousands of abusive men. In it he explains that these men are extremely charming, loving, passionate & attentive until they have their bait trapped usually by motherhood. Then they change. It's isn't the fault of the women they catch. These women are often vulnerable it's true, but they are not silly, or in lust or in any way to blame for not spotting them a mile off as you seem to be able to. God forbid you ever slip up eh?!

Midewife99 - thanks, will look into that book. I have heard about the charming, etc. part. It's a well-known fact that sociopaths are more often than not charming, successful and popular people. If you think about it, even bullies at school can be charming / popular, and yet cruel to a few selected people. I am very interested in how that happens, and how others fall into their trap!