Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

pony that is extra rubbish that he is in your house. when I started seeing ex he was still living in his former marital home (as he still does) I was not next after his wife IYSWIM. still a bit weird though. (and there was not much gap between me and him going official and previous ex they move on quick (because their emotions are shallow))

I actually get the last laugh on this one with my ex though. a constant source of strife in our relationship was that he would get in a really bad mood about the state of his house and blame me for it (even though I didn't live there). it has had a hole in the floor between ground and first floor for years and is full of building materials. he always meant to do it but never did and when he shoudl have been doing it but wasn't he was extra tense and nasty.

I could not even mention his house without him shouting at me. It was my fault because he had to spend so much time 'helping' me (NOT!) with the kids that he had no time to do it (more like all the time he spent on FB and farmville and having nice daytime naps).

so now he is back in his house full time a) he has plenty of time to fix it and b) there is no way he could bring any woman back to that tip! must be well cramping his style. ha ha ha.

(and last time I was at his house to help with the garden. he got really annoyed with the kids for not dead heading his flowers just so and ended up screaming 'just get out of my house you f**g c*t' extremely loudly in the back garden.

the neighbours heard and grassed him to his ex wife.

and he wonders why I didn't volunteer to help him out very often)

Not read through yet but I will ASAP. Just been chatting with my neighbour about things. Apparently H has upset all of our neighbours over the past 5 years (I had no idea). Apparently he once cleared our driveway of snow and just dumped it all where our neighbour normally parks!! I remember wondering why there was a big pile there but had thought that kids had done it. This is why I just think he is crazy rather than EA.

MrsM hope the counsellor can help.

pony so sorry you met up with him like that. I must admit I am not sure how I feel about mine seeing other women. I know he is on dating websites and I haven't even moved out yet!

I am having counselling. I am having hypnotherapy to build my confidence and self esteem back up and to get over my phobia of being on my own. My therapist has given me some exercises for relaxation and assertiveness. I actually managed to ask for some bread to be sliced in Sainsbury's without going red and stuttering! She said in time I will be able to stand up to whoever inc ex when I need to, but in a decent non-agressive way.

I do recommend counselling. Its not cheap, but don't think I could get through this without it.

to all.

Hi Dillie, glad the counselling's going well. How did you find her- is she specialist ea/da?

Pony so sorry to hear about your gut churning encounter with ex. That's just horrible and however well you're getting over him, of course it's got to hurt so much. I would feel the same way even though I truly don't want and never will want fw again for myself. You can't just rub out years of past feeling. ((Hugs))

breathe this therapist I found on Google. She is actually my third try. The first one I found was OK, but didn't really feel she was getting to the core issues. It helped with the initial stress and upset, but that is as far as it went.

The one I am seeing is a recommendation from another therapist who was full. She has been very good. Her take is all behaviours are learned which is why some of us get stuck into certain patterns (like bad relationships). All my relationships have been domineering men and its a pattern that quiet frankly scares me to death! Its a pattern that I learned through my younger sister. I know she did not do it purposely, but since I am naturally shy, I just went with what I was told to do. Anything for a quiet life as my dad used to say!

I cannot go through this again and I am hoping that this time I will break the pattern. Plus also to find out who I really am.

Recommendations are best way to go, but Google is good too. Always make sure they are registered with the correct bodies though :)

Had quite a dramatic dream last night I was driving up a mountain in Wales we well he was driving my car, off a cliff-edge! - he's an aggressive driver, drives close to others, and slams through gears hunched over steering wheel, use to scare me! and I was thinking as the car was hitting rocks and bouncing and rolling down the mountainside, that he would die on that side of the car (I was holding onto things and managing to sort of suspend myself from hitting the insides of the car each time it hit the rocks and rolled).

So those thoughts to anyone out there that has this notion that you die if you hit the bottom, you don't!

well.. I've runaway with myself there!..

I've been having bonkers dreams lately, last night I was giving birth (I would love a DC but not with H) and there was no midwife or Dr, instead I had a giant Yankeur sucker (like a medical hoover) shoved up my fanjo. It was an awful experience.

I also had a rude dream about my ex and also about one of the porters at work.

It's really annoying me!!

Fairy that sounds scary, I hope you got some sleep.

Yikes at the weird dreams.

Quick nc have quandary.
So dcs said they would like to see df for more than 3 hrs. He often has them on Saturday 1-4 but this is not immutable as he works shifts. so Saturday not always an option. when not working he goes to gym am. so rather then suggest longer visit Saturday i suggested Sunday. ( also he often leaves it v last minute to arrange times- if i ask him on Monday he won't reply until Thursday or Friday just to be controlling- so this week rather than ask, i said the kids want to see you longer can you have them on Sunday 11-4.
If this doesn't suit make another arrangement.
Funnily enough this time the reply was almost instant.
I'll have them Saturday 1-3.
I said that is not longer.
him-I cannot see them for longer.
Me- why not.
Him-i'll have them Saturday 1-4. i can't keep texting it is expensive.
Me- Saturday at 1 doesn't really suit me. Sunday at 11 would be better.
Him- well go fuck yourself then.
[...]few more msgs. then-
Saturday at 1 take it or leave it.

So....at the moment i have left it at it is no skin off my nose i like spending time with my kids.

Now i don't want to engineer a situation where he does not see the kids. i would actually like him to see them more and if he gets into the habit of squashing them into a tiny amount of time around whatever else he is doing then it is it easy for him to only see them a few hours a week if at all.

On the other hand, i could just let him have them at 1 on Saturday. It is not ideal but not desperately inconvenient either.

I don't want to get into a war of control. I could just have not rocked the boat. but should i make a stand!

Feck nc did not work so that is cover well and truly blown if he us checking oh well.

Now he is going on about his this is his access visit and not my free babysitting service and he does not have to fit into my social arrangements.

not because i have social arrangements but because this is his parental responsibility not right. i do not see why he should get to pick and choose when he sees them and be inflexible. he has given no reason why not Sunday.

So should i refuse to budge and not let him see them this wknd in the hope it will get point across or let him see them at time he wants just to keep peace for sake of kids. bearing in mind Saturday May be the usual time but only for the last 3 weeks. he is just doing his usual - i'll see the kids when i want or else you will have to look after them. but if i don't let him am i being just as bad and using them as a bargaining chip.

Added to this he used to see older kids fir far longer and was me flexible. I feel like he treats our kids as second class.

Probably saw older kids for longer because it was part of legal separation.

Soz fir long/ multiple posts.
Can't decide if I'm being a twunt or if this is important point of principle.

Oh, mink, I sympathise. I have a saga about the holiday arrangements (STBXH having decided to be away for two weeks, and then laid down when he will see DC on his return, even though I want to be away myself with DC then). With FW, it is a control thing, he has completely disregarded what I asked, and now puts me in the position of having to stand my ground and come across as unreasonable. Urgh. But that was the story of our marriage, so no surprise really.

FWIW, I would say that either you are flexible and try to accommodate each other's arrangements, as you are both parents, or you have a set arrangement which he needs to stick to and you can reliably plan around. If he misses it, he loses time. It is not your responsiblity to ensure that he sees his children, though I understand you wish the children to see him. Personally I couldn't go for the any time he wants arrangement as it is not good for the children, they need routine. So, try and focus any discussion on what is best for the children, and that is not keeping the peace so they can see him, it is him being reliable and sticking to plans.

I sympathise Mink. I asked FW if he wants the dc on the thurs/fri of one of the Easter weeks as he is off and a friend has invited me over for the day and to stay over. He says I'm only happy for him to have them when I have something I want to do, which isn't true, he has them whether I make plans or not. But obviously if I want to make plans with friends, I make them when he is going to have them. Told him I would take them with and told him I would tell my friend, who'd said they were welcome. Then he said he would have them as he was only making a point in order to try and ruin my plans.

He says the divorce should progress quickly now, so am deducing from that that he has finally allowed the Acknowledgment of Service to be submitted. A mere 3 months after it was supposed to be.

Thanks snow unfortunately because of his shift pattern we cannot set a fixed day. he works 2 Saturdays in a row every six weeks or so. So he could have them the other Saturdays assuming we were not away or they had no events on.

His seems to be trying to set it up so if it is not this time he has defined he won't have them that week. i think it should be he has them fir at least x hours per week on a day that suits us both. i am pretty flexible about day but would like to get a minimum time sorted as i feel if i let him away with it this early on it will only get worse.

That is what happened before. It was too hard to get himto do things so i let him way with it and he then got into a pattern of doing as little as he could get away with.

Hs position is 3 hours per week. or less. i think that is unacceptable.

Hi Thanks for info, dillie

Mink you're def not being a twunt, he is!! You're within your moral rights to make suggestions as per the dcs' requests. His text was abominable.

pony I'm glad your laptop came back clean, that's reassuring. If only the same could be said for leclerc's Teddy of Doom, eh?

Maggie you out there lovely? Hope you're ok. Also been thinking of nini alot. I hope she's ok.

Sorry, I didn't know about the shifts.

FW#1, that is DC1's dad, who left when she was a baby for OW, saw her 3 hours or less, his choice, could not change this for hell or high water. Upshot: she is older, he is re-married with a new family, and wants her to stay over, she doesn't want to go. I have facilitated contact every which way, so it is not me standing in her way, she does not want to go.

FW#2, current FW, STBXFW, I was reflecting on the fact today that actually I have probably played into his hands, as now, rather than muck in and be part of the family, he can lead his life as he sees fit, and parachute in for fun time with DC2. Thus, he gets all the good bits of having DC, but none of the career-stalling, sleep-depriving reality, which, incidentally, I wouldn't change for the world, but still, it is hardly active co-parenting.

I sympathise. It is unacceptable.

Thanks breath. actually I have decided I am going to make a stand as otherwise I know he will end up saying but I always have them for 3 hours per week on the weeks when I am free and that is it.

he sent me an email saying amongst other things that he can't do anything about it if I decide to fuck him around.

I replied by saying that I am not trying to stop him seeing the kids. far from it I am trying to give him the opportunity to see them more which I would have thought he would welcome. and that it is about the kids right to see their parents for a reasonable amount of time and his parental responsibility.

I also said I was quite happy to make arrangements to take into account weekends when they are away or when he is working.

I am hoping to appeal to his better side

parental games of chicken though. not the best way to go about things.

tick tick on the parachuting in for fun times and otherwise leading life as he sees fit. that is the way it was before. as long as I organised the fun!

I need to make a list of practical steps. I'm doing the FP online and bought the Lundy book (but where do you find the time and place to read it?!).

Luckily, he is so controlling about the house that most of my books, photos, paintings, ornaments and trinkets are in storage. When I look round it's almost as though I never moved in. I'd only have clothes and paperwork to pack up.