Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

That's great of your mum, Leclerc. Hooray for kind people!

Could've done with a second pair of hands this evening for nit-combing while putting all four dcs to bed. Didn't get ds's done, just no time - and he was scratching at bedtime too. Will do it in the morning if I remember. Now have to go and do mine - with chemicals as there's no-one to do the combing through for me...

charlotte thanks for advice re WA and counselling; I'll call them back tomorrow and check on that.

Mink your description of your fw's range of emotions made me though also for you and all of us really, as that's what we've had to contend with.

I've got a few big things on my "will grit my teeth and get done" this coming week. It's like a shopping list but a lot more daunting:

1. Remind fw about cafass
2. Request fw to move rest of his stuff from my section of house (will feel very final to him and he'll kick off)
3. (later in week after dust settled from 1 and 2) Tell fw I wish for a divorce.

Wish me luck

cafass = cafcass

Hi all. I haven't managed to post in a while and just a quickie now. Just a few things to say:

1. fool I see you as the tiktok of this thread (will make sense to anyone who has stuggled with BFing)
2. I have told my Ddad a tiny proportion of what has happened and he has told me that I have my parents full support. Felt incredibly disloyal but also a little lighter.
3. Emailing WA has been incredibly helpful. I've opened a new email specifically for that and can tell them more detail then even here with no fear of being found out.
4. I'm going to see a solicitor next week !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will read the rst of the thread very soon

TisILeclerc - thank you for answering my question. Why doesn't it just sink in for me? It's been 3 days now since the latest skirmish and I have had nightmares, shortness of breath, flash-backs, disassociation from the world and using avoidance tactic to avoid really engage with anyone in RL, people who do deserve my time and attention. I am so sick of this cycle of this complete fucktard managing to make me question my sanity, my perceptions, my basic human decency all over again.

Charlotte you can comb your own hair out over a piece of white paper, and squish them - a needle is good for this.

DD managed to get lice from being in a mosh pit at age 17, well past the time when I thought I was done with all that

oh and sometimes the smallest ones get caught in the tines and you have to slide them onto the paper with the needle tip - but you probably already know this.

I love odd little words like "tines" - also "camber" and "rumble strip"...

charlotte we all had blooming nits too. I combed my hair out using loads of conditioner whilst still in shower - the nits sprayed over the white tiles (tmi, I know, sorry!) and then I rinsed them off the tiles using lots of Flash - it was quite therapeutic (I'm going to rinse that fw right out of my hair)

fool thanks. I'm almost scared to type because I don't want it to be real. But it is and I'm sad . I feel like the longer I'm in this situation the more I'm failing ds, and it's just because I feel so daunted with everything I'd need to do to leave.

If I were to put everything in black and white it would seem mad that I'm still here. His constant criticism (which is my fault because I only hear criticism); his shouting and mood swings from him (which again are my fault because no-one else makes him angry like that); the fact he says I don't support or care for him (when I do all the housework, spend hours listening to him talk about work, make him meals and cakes ffs and he has made me a cup of tea once in 4 years (and I know that's a ridiculous thing to be upset about but it just shows his lack of caring)); the accusations that I'm a bad mum because I wouldn't let him smack ds; the threats of violence; the deliberate goading to try to start arguments . . .

And then the random turnarounds of 'let's have a day together' or 'let's go shopping' when most nights we're tiptoeing around his moods and he only eats with us before disappearing to play on the computer, listen to the radio or go out with his friends.

It all feels like such a mess and the hardest part is not knowing if he is right and it is all my fault. Sorry, rant over.

bounty - all sounds very good!

Thanks, Silvery - I'm just not sure that I'll get all of them that way. Tbh, I think the lice at school are playing a kind of Russian roulette: crawl from head to head and try to avoid the head that's having the treatment that evening... Don't have high hopes of our being nit-free for long! Think we should have a national lice-treatment holiday and all get them at once!!

Ooh, I enjoyed that rant, Fraying - I was ranting right along with you! I could've written a lot of that myself!

Good luck fly. Another good day here as H is still being nice and reasonable, which just makes me question myself. Luckily I then read another post on MN and someone had written that they would not put up with a H that put them in the position of having to compete against others for them. I realised that I have been put in that position at least twice... I must remember this.

Fly :o You sound like Miranda off the telly! I would quote her at you, but I don't have dd1 to hand to remind me which words she likes to enunciate to camera.

Fraying what you describe is very similar to my situation. It's not your fault, he is displaying typical EA behaviour, which includes playing with our heads so we can't recognise what they're doing and even when we do, we are kind of psychological prisoners, I think because even when we accept it's not us, it's them, on some level we don't accept it IYKWIM.

Fraying yes it does seem daunting - but it can be broken down into v small steps, such as unobtrusively sorting books into his and hers, stashing treasured kitchen items (in my case) that he wouldn't notice were gone but might have wanted if they'd still been there.

Informing yourself about possible finances, in some detail, and about the divorce process if applicable is also making progress. I read the Resolution site a lot. Delete history of course if need to.

charlotte

fraying I was nodding my head as I read your post. The only differences are that I haven't had threats of violence and he will make cups of tea.

I keep saying to myself the phrase I think someone uses on here? "How to eat an elephant: one bite at a time"

Hope you feel better soon tis

I have the draft petition looking at me. If I am honest, I can't really bring myself to look at it. I was hoping to have moved out before it came, but moving houses never happens quickly when you need it too! I am in two minds whether to wait until I move out or sign them and get the ball rolling. When he gets the papers he will hit the roof! Despite feeling a lot stronger than I did a few months back when I told him I have had enough, he still manages to scare me.

On a totally different lighter note, has anyone found their cat/dog being extra affectionate? Since all this started, one of my female cats has not left my side (especially at night) for over 2 months now, bless her!

Now you mention it, dcat has become extremely affectionate, even more than usual. He almost hugs me when I pick him up and purrs so loudly he chirrups

Also, good luck with petition, Dillie. It's pretty scary having to do it whilst under same roof. I'm in same position though haven't had papers drawn up yet.

my dcats never came to bed, now they fight over it! and the ddog is up here every few mins chancing her arm paw at a sleep on the bed! Eldest dcat I thought too old for playing now gets under feet every morning chasing things across kitchen floor and romping with other younger DCat.
night lovelies xx (still hurting all over, hope this has gone by school run tomorrow) bluurgh..