Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello all ladies, can't stop, hugs (cwtch) to all and strength for struggles (thinking of your clawing your way out of that hole Maggie).

tis you made my day, that I hadn't ever realised (or really thought about cwtch as being a welsh word! just always used it! but never known how to spell it! love the word)

take care all xxx

Mink you made me snort with lahti shed well its a start and when/if he is properly gone, he will be gone and you will have a shed. in the meantime he can rig him up a watering can on a pole and he can use that for showers bracing but healthy.

BTW Lahti I didn't mean to minimise your worries by my chuckling at mink's words! I am so pleased for you that he is moving out - please share your secret!!!!

So how do you do the daff? It's very cute!

Notmy I felt for you reading about the WA visit, but it wasn't destiny, it was understandable that having keyed yourself up to get there (huge step) you then left after being messed about by their inefficiency. I hope you manage to get back. Oh yes, and as soon as I read the electric sage I thought, "her fw is lying" and now it seems he has had to admit it so on your behalf, grrrr. Mine has done stuff like this in the past too.

Fool - what everyone else said - your exfw is fwitting around royally. I found it interesting what you said about being an enabler - I will have to explore that WRT me and my years of being a doormat relationship history.

Mags, so good to hear from you, so glad you are ok (ish) though very sorry that you are feeling in a black hole. xxxx

Fi loved the film list - must admit I thought Heeks was probably a welsh word but 9 and a half leeks even funnier

Silvery - woohoo, sounds like good things are happening so pleased for you Was it you who said your depression lifted as soon as D papers served? That gave me real heart. Because even if I can't get him out right now and I can't move right away, what I can do is serve him with the papers - he could stick them in his pipe and smoke them, perhaps the arrogant sod.

I didn't go to mediator on Fri because one of my dcs ended up in A&E (all ok now, minor accident) but am looking forward to going back and getting her insight into his fwittery. He has decided to hate her because in the last session she asked if we'd both feel safe if living under the same roof.

My favourite bit of paper at the mo is the one the court sent him saying because he didn't show up, the emergency order will remain in place. Another one for his pipe

sage = saga!

Hi am realising that I have a classic inner voice telling me I am not worth more than i have been given in my abusive relationship...no wonder so many people on this thread at least pass through the "stately homes" thread too!!

Much love and strength to you all.

Definitely fool - I think that's why 'leave the bastard' is so difficult, because something from our past lead us to these rubbish relationships, and can also hold us there. That's why I admire the posters onthis thread so much, though sometimes from afar.

Hi ladies,

Hope you are all well. I have been lurking on this thread for a while and it makes me mad and so sad that so many of us are in a similar situation.

I stood up to my stbxh last night. I will spare you so the boring details, but by the end of the discussion about who was staying in the lounge (me so I could finish my beading project, or him and his mate to watch TV) he went off with his mate, made me look like the bad guy and feeling incredibly guilty!!

I decided to stand up for myself as an earlier argument, he told me he will make sure that our dd (who is 7) will know what a selfish fruit loop her mother is for splitting up the family by moving out because fw refuses to. When I told him not to screw with her head, he yelled I will screw with her head if I want to!

Can't wait to move out! Trying to keep it together. Counselling is helping me stand up to him. If he ever hurts dd I will probably kick him where the sun don't shine!

Why do fw do this when you decide that you are your own person, who has rights and feelings! Its all so hard :(

Maggie only way is up I hope.

lahti yeah. space at last.

thatsnot the whole electric thing made me think. my ex used to have full on mental at me about something i had allegedly done if he was stressed. i don't cry that easily for him anymore but these would have me crying.then when it turn out he was wrong he would apologise. but like the tabloids the initial accusation was full front page with sweary abusive headlines in capital shouting and the apology was a tiny paragraph way down the page usually with some blame attached to me.

I think he did it as a form of stress relief and thought the tiny apology later made it all ok.

dilie welcome.
think you know the answer but they do this when you decide you are your own person because in extreme cases in their head you are not, you are their possession/skivvy/project and with men like my ex he just thought whilst i might well be my own person i was a much less important person than him.

And they suspect if you don't want them none else will and then they will have to actually do things for themselves.

Re. being abusive back. yy. because i could not have a normal conversation with him i started to talk like him to see either if he understood that or if he liked it any better than i did. i thought if he heard what it sounded like he would think fuck me that is maddening and unproductive.

Epic fail. i just dragged myself down to his level.

And when he pushed me over i pushed him back. so he pushed me. so i pushed him. calculated risk as he is much bigger then me and could have lost it. but he always used to tell the kids if someone hits you hit them back. So i pushed him back and said just following your advice and you can see how this is going to end up. you pushed me first i think you shold stop it. so he did. Could have gone horribly wrong tho.

Looking back i did a lot of wrong things just trying to find a way to get him to understand before finally the penny dropped.

Did not acquit myself well today either

We are ALL accused of being abusive, we are driven to the very limits of injustice and frustration, some of us lose it and lash out.

We rail against the putdowns, insults, snide remarks, undermining of us, sometimes we snap.

This is what is technically known as ANGER. Not manufactured, not with an agenda, only from exasperation and distress.

ABUSE is 'anger' manufactured to achieve a purpose, to frighten, manipulate and control.

We are not abusers, every ounce of our anger is justified and rational.

Hi all, H is at his mums with DD for the night so peace at last. Actually he has been really good today- he took DD shopping for the morning and I went out in the afternoon. I have only seen DD for a couple of hours today which is a bit weird but she is fine and I have had some quiet time. The thing is though, when we have a day like this it is great and I start to think that he is genuinely a good guy who is just a bit selfish if left unchecked. I need to remember more of his crap moments so I stop feeling sorry for him and end up backing down on him moving out - which is exactly what happened when we went to RELATE.

After days like today I feel like we are great friends and that he is a brilliant dad etc etc but as someone upthread said the thought of anything physical just fills me with dread which is not good for a successful marriage. My dread for the physical side of things is completely down to his nasty behaviour and my acceptance of it over the past 10 years and I just don't know if I can 'reset' that part of me. This is why he needs to move out - as seeing him constantly will wear me down and make me feel sorry for him, it will also give me time to think through if I actually can get over his hurtful behaviour which tbh honest should have been dealbreakers at the time but I was brought up to believe the best in people and that a failed marriage was not an option.
The financial implications of being on my own etc scare me senseless.

I am with you there minkembra

A few times I have yelled back. My h is not physical, which is just as well given his size to me! But it never got me anywhere and I would end up in tears because I was so very angry.

I have found the powerful thing is to walk away. It does wind them up, and I get accused of being the abuser, but at least I maintain some dignity.

Then behind closed doors I let the frustration out.

If ever I speak to FW about him losing it with the kids he tells me he's seen me lose it too. But I've never left them terrified, thrown things, yelled so loud that we flinch. For god's sake, when I had a week old baby he was yelling at me about the mess in the house and smashing glasses because his dds had made a mess with craft stuff. So many things happened that I excused. I could kick myself for having no boundaries at all.

Being on your own is not nearly as scary as you think.....
Not being on your own is also an option , in the fullness of time
But even if I never let a man into my life again (and heaven knows I don't feel I am likely to) this (single with kids) is much much better than you can ever imagine...the only bad stuff being down to my NSDH doing more FWittery...but at least from afar!

don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a bad place.
(and this is from someone who is finding life exceptionally hard at the moment)

Fool I agree. This is the most relaxed in my own home I have been for years. My friends have told me I am visibly more relaxed. I feel if I am single long term it is infinitely better than the half-life I was living before, frightened to death of incurring the wrath of the person who should have loved me more than anyone.

Wise words fool. I think us ladies are just too nice to the FWs and not nice enough to ourselves. My counsellor keeps saying that i need to be kind to myself - I have no idea wtf that means. This evening I have decided that it means going on MN, eating 3 bags of quavers and having a bubble bath

I think for me "being nice to me" is going to mean silencing the inner voice that tells me it's my fault when things are bad, that I don't deserve more than this, that my feelings don't matter as much as anyone else's and that I am always trying to live up to the WRONG mental image of who I am rather than letting myself be myself (albeit trying to be the best version of me I can be)

If your inner voice undermines you, what chance do you have?

seem to be doing stream of consciousness posts at present...

And can I just remind myself that I HATE my FW at the moment, for putting us through all this.

thank you...as you were.

when I had a week old baby he was yelling at me about the mess in the house and smashing glasses because his dds had made a mess with craft stuff. So many things happened that I excused. I could kick myself for having no boundaries at all. Tick Match

^Being on your own is not nearly as scary as you think.....
Not being on your own is also an option , in the fullness of time^ tick tick fool

too nice to FW and not nice enough to ourselves tick Lahti

feeling the commune tonight ladies

good posting fool do you talk to your that voice? challenging repetitively?

oooo, hang on...

Being on your own is not nearly as scary as you think..... yes definitely tick

Not being on your own is also an option , in the fullness of time not so much! not contradicting, just serious misgivings about that one fool

and being on here, it not so much like being alone any more :)

On our own is fine, I have no great desire for a fully grown Y chromosome to share my space....but , as Hissy and Silver will testify...life has a funny way of doing things that you never expected!

Me neither Fool but I would like a good shag

Longtime lurker here but just had to post because the comment about having no boundaries rings so true. In fact it's only through lurking on here that I've realised I should have different boundaries.
It's been like a lightbulb . . .or more a flickering candle because when I'm reading descriptions of abusive behaviour I recognise it but when I'm living it, I'm constantly questioning my judgement so my light is flickering on and off.
Anyway, thanks for throwing some light onto areas of my life I'd probably rather hide in the dark

hi fraying welcome and post whenever you want...there's something about writing it down that helps it to be real (if not comfortable)