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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

999 replies

foolonthehill · 17/02/2013 13:51

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

OP posts:
FairyFi · 01/03/2013 14:45

I thought that these might go well together for you St Davids Thanks St Davids Blush - never been that good at flower arranging

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 15:25

tis I just remembered Ach a fi too Grin ha ha !

Lahti · 01/03/2013 17:48

Haven't read through today yet ( will do this eve). I broached H moving out again to give him space (he has refused so far) he asked if I would mind if he bought a shed and lived in the garden SERIOUSLY!!

foolonthehill · 01/03/2013 17:53

Hahahahahahahahah.........Lahti

OP posts:
Lahti · 01/03/2013 18:14

give me space I mentioned that a shed would have no running water. He says he would have to come in for showers etc.

TheSilveryPussycat · 01/03/2013 18:20

Take him at his word Wink - at least it would be a start...

TisILeclerc · 01/03/2013 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minkembra · 01/03/2013 19:38

ah bonnie tyler. my dad loved bt. he also once suggested my mum dress a bit more like Tina Turner. did not go down well. Grin

lahti shed well its a start and when/if he is properly gone, he will be gone and you will have a shed. in the meantime he can rig him up a watering can on a pole and he can use that for showers Wink bracing but healthy.

minkembra · 01/03/2013 19:41

notmy i am also dubious about £300. I'd be wanting to see that receipt.

and silvery I hope we can all get to where you are some day. not literally obviously or we will cramp your style Wink

Hissy · 01/03/2013 19:54

notmy My love, he is LYING. There is a house around here that the cover is missing... it's been gone for YEARS... no ishoos. no shorting, no damage, no tripping.

Anyway, if something trips, it stops... it'd blow a fuse. that is what is designed to happen.

I used to be in inventories.... loads of times the meters are uncovered, sometimes I have seen them practically underwater... no issues.

WRT any 'damage' that's what INSURANCE is for.

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more. Smile and wave, smile and wave.

Who was it earlier that was saying about the FW using the Mediator as the bad person, and making things worse?

The answer to this, and being used to de-rail the process is as follows:

Female rights come from the PERMISSION of Menfolk historically. To the normal, this is fine, understandable and acceptable. They see equality and fairness and essential.

To the super-entitled, the ones that demand full control over everything, they see it as a personal attack to lose the right to roar and rule and demand. They see it as a MASSIVE imposition to have to roll up their sleeves and look after their DC, clear up after themselves, 'allow' their partners to go out/socialise/laugh and have fun. They also see that if their partners are having fun without them being involved, it is a slight on them and they can't have that. Their insecurity screams at them that they will lose their skivvy/lacky and that their partner will leave them and THEY will look bad.

They OWN their partners, they don't do sharing or personal development, they trust no-one because they know what they are capable of, so expect it of everyone else, and don't trust those around them to read situations with clarity.

They don't value themselves to be able to trust us, they don't value us enough to allow us the freedom we need.

Hissy · 01/03/2013 19:58

Lahti, tell him the neighbours will think he is a tramp, or an illegal immigrant and that you won't have someone living in your garden.

He has to do the right thing and move out for a bit. He needs to LIVE somewhere else for a while, not camp in a garden FFS.

Stay firm, the fact that he has considered living outside shows he's desperate to stay, but accepting that he has to get out of the house.

You have him on the ropes now, don't back down.

Remember that these wankers are total twats from a position of WEAKNESS AND INSECURITY, not power. If you stand up to them calmly, they don't have what it takes to reason. You are stronger than he is, and he knows it, that is why he has to RULE you. He can't have you being knowledgeably equal to him, you would be onto him in a heartbeat.

Knowledge is power dear thread-buddies, and the truth really DOES set you free!

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 20:04

tis hey butty! why would you?!..... you made me laugh with that... isn't it. just jumped on here for 2 secs, out at mo, read nothing more than that! v. funny.. laters all xxx

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 20:05

oh & 'Delilah' (the rt hon rev. T Jones), out clubbing

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 20:08

hey butt (tis) bathers was what gave your game away Wink but is giving allowing me to home in on the area a bit more..

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 20:13

where to r u now then? butt

TisILeclerc · 01/03/2013 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 01/03/2013 20:32

Fi is it wrong that I read your last post in my head in the exact voice of Nessa from Gavin and Stacey? Grin

Lahti · 01/03/2013 20:56

notmy he is definitely lying re the meter cover ours got left open once by H with no probs apart from it got caught in the wind and swung into our car door!

Thanks hissy and everyone re the shed. He keeps asking how I think him moving out will help me to come to terms with his fwittery? and how long i expect him to go for? I am trying to be as honest as possible but I snapped and said "well how long do YOU think it should take me to get over YOUR emotional affair and YOU asking me to choose between you and my parents (incidentally it has been 5 and 2 years respectively and I am still not over it).
Thank god for you guys keeping me sane. I am thinking of telling my sister about it tomorrow, what do you think? The only people in RL who know are a work colleague and my friend who is due baby number 2 any day now. My parents are on holiday in New Zealand until the end of March so I can't tell them yet.

foolonthehill · 01/03/2013 21:07

I would tell everyone who you feel comfortable with.......make it real.

My FW also suggested he lived in the "office" last March (quite a nice shed in the garden) he promised he wouldn't bother me at all...i asked about the loo, showers, food...apparently he was coming in for those, and when it was cold, or damp, or dark..........!

Just to rant..I am being F'witted around with.This week have had a letter form FW husband (nothing unusual there I've had one per week since November...doing my head in!) who has produced a textbook apology as per St Lundy of Bancroft using all the appropriate language and NOT BLAMING ME.........

Damn he has been so reliably awful and blaming for 17 months even violent, how did he pull this out of the bag....who told him??? I don't believe him but now I look (and feel) awful that I don't believe his change of heart and I don't want to explore this further . A year ago maybe. Not now. My skin is crawling and I can't sleep, flash backs, nightmares the lot.....argh gone back 10 months in 4 days.

Bloody man.

Blush rant over

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsislost · 01/03/2013 21:12

notmy - how frustrating re the WA experience! I know what you mean about thinking of it as an omen, that's how I reacted to the house that I was set to move into disappearing off the market. But actually it's more accurate to say that all the FWery is a string of omens that the marriage must be escaped from...

St Davids for all you for whom this country I live in is more home than it is for me! (Er, iyswim - rather convoluted sentence!) Sad to say, I don't know any Welsh really except for araf and canol y dref Hmm

CharlotteCollinsislost · 01/03/2013 21:16

fool - no, why should you look awful for not giving him yet another chance? Hey, if it turns out to be a genuine transformation, you can be (outwardly, at least) pleased for him, for the dcs and any future woman he attaches himself to. As for you, what's it got to do with you? Stay strong. x

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 21:49

Oh no Match cover blown Wink

tis , durrr Castell Coch is a bewty lovely isn't it...
used to play on The Magic Rhonddabout as a child in the hols, and dabble in the taff.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 01/03/2013 21:59

My DSDs are from Nessa's neck of the woods. Tidy!

FW has opened the letter from my solicitor and is apparently instructing his to finally put the Acknowledgment of Service in. He has queried the bit she included about the child maintenance increasing once the divorce is final as I knew he would.
DD has being saying all week she doesn't want to stay there overnight after he had a go at her over nothing last week. We'll see what she says tomorrow when it's supposed to be.

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 22:01

Lahti tick re the shed thing! cos I guess that would make YOU look like the bad one again?

fool oh so shit, sorry! Sad he seems to have swallowed the book and knows even better how to do the push you pull me thing! he's been practising and learning, honing his skills even more... Pull up drawbridges and post guards around perimeter, send out spies, etc. extra security for peace of mind. How about 'return to sender' or not at this address, and readdressing the front so letter now go unopened? Maybe he'll finally giveup (well maybe not, like water, will find another route realistically) but at least he'll get a clear message fuck off

Charlotte Sad you are unhapppy there, but you can't go wrong with araf, at least it'll keep the Heddlu off your back. (worrying I'm not remembring these things right now and talking nonsense like Sheldon in Japanese)

FairyFi · 01/03/2013 22:01

Bampy from the heads of the valley

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