Sorry I am gate-crashing a little here, but I just want to say thank you to every single one of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on here. I have been reading for a while and it is the little things you mention which help me know I am not losing my mind.
But I also wanted to say, Eternal Rose, you are not unwell or crazy or any of those things. When I read your first posts about ending up a hysterical mess, I so totally nodded along in agreement. I thought it was me too. My STBXH would start to discuss things at 10 or 11pm, for example, when I was breastfeeding a baby and surviving on little sleep, and it would end up in an argument and I would end up getting wound up, and he would start with the just calm down, you are being aggressive, and I would end up in tears of frustration (and tiredness) and he would go off to bed and sleep, whilst I was so wound up, I could not. Even when I said, no, I am tired, can we discuss this tomorrow, this was not an option. I was always the one who ended up distressed (let?s not say hysterical, it is distress and frustration) and he remained oh, so calm.
How did I see it was him and not me? Because I saw him do it to my DD, who is not his. I?m not giving her age, but she is not into double figures. He would wind her up. Even when I said, stop. She would react. Then it would be her fault for flying off the handle. Sometimes, he dressed it up as a joke, but it was still messing her around. The tipping point was that he was needling her about something, and she lashed out at him to leave her alone, and he responded by physically pushing her. She has never in all her small years lashed out, and she is not capable of lashing out hard. But he said he pushed her over because she hit him. She?s a child.
Hopefully, the point of that story is that it was not her, she did not abuse him. Even if you are not reacting properly and calmly and reasonably, that is because you are not in an atmosphere where you feel safe and it is a fight or flight response. I wish you every strength to find a way out and find peace. In the meantime, I guess it is a case of trying to detach (easier said than done), so that you have a different response - I started replying with just yes or no, and not getting drawn in. I could feel the provocation inside me, though, so I recognised it was happening. It is really hard, he still can draw me in (we separated a month ago).
Another thing I remembered on reading this thread (there are so many things, but this relates to thinking you are crazy) was that when he picked me and baby up from the doctors once, there was a poster on the wall with signs of stress on it. He said that I should consider stress counselling because lots of the boxes were ticked for me. I read it, and thought, really? I wouldn?t have ticked them, but he diagnosed me that way. He?d also complain about some apparent behaviour of mine, followed by, you don?t even realise you are doing it, do you? My sense of self was eroded, little by little.
Anyway, just to say again, I think you are an amazing bunch of ladies, and I am so very grateful that you have posted here, even though I wish none of you were in the position that you had to, iyswim. I wish you all strength.